AIBU to want my estate divided equally between all four children?

[Imdefonotmaddona]

I have 4 children
DD 1 and DD2 are mine and my late husbands.
DS2 - was biologically husbands and not mine but he is with me full time.
DD3 is mine with my current DP so the only one who hasn’t got the same dad.

on the passing off my husband everything came to me. I have always been financially independent and the house was paid for by both of us.
he had some money and a life insurance policy.

I am updating my paperwork and that Includes My will to include DD3.

I was discussing this with my best friend and she mentioned that I should seperate and not give equal amounts because some of what they will inherit would be technically my late husbands so should take than in to account for DD3.

I was thinking that It’s now my assets / money and that I should share it equally amongst the 4 children.

what would you do ?

@changeme4this I think you've got the wrong end of the stick re the children's parentage. Dd1 and dd2 are full siblings ie. they are the children of op and her late ex dh. Dss is a half sibling as his dad is late ex dh but op is not his biological mum. Dd3 is another half sibling in that the op is her biological mum but her dad is the new partner. So technically dd3 and dss are not biologically related. I've only used the term full and half siblings to demonstrate how they are related, ultimately they are a family and I'm not personally keen on those terms.

I think it really depends on how much money your late ex dh left and what it has been used for. The difficulty is that as this was some years ago the money may well have been spent now. Are you able to share how much money was left and how you have used it? That would probably help people answer the question you have asked?

What I take away from other people's posts is the theme of his 3dc not missing out financially compared to your dd3 or your dd3 benefitting from ex dh's estate. Ultimately I think splitting 4 ways for you will just be easier and your current partner can do as he likes re his own finances and his dd. You are raising 4 dc as your own so it makes sense to me at least to split your finances 4 ways.

Fair call, thank you.

Absolutely do it evenly. DH and I have done similar as I have two DC and we have one together. It’s none of her business.

I'd split 4 ways if it were me. It is, of course, your money now. If your husband wanted a different outcome he could have planned for it.

but )so when DH died she should have put the entirety of his estate into 3 accounts and not used it to help raise his kids? they were clearly v young when he died, the value of what he left has and will be used towards raising them. it's going towards dss private education. it'll in essence go towards Uni etc but probably be all gone by then. meanwhile op is raising the non bio child also using her money and has said her estate will outweigh what she left.

I think you’re being totally fair. There are soooo many posts on here saying ‘you have no right to an inheritance’ however on this post it seems you should have stuck anything you inherited in a separate pot and never touched it to leave for the kids.

The money was left to you. You alone. You could spend it all if you wanted. The fact you’re bringing up your step child as your own, paying living expenses and expecting nothing, plus leaving them money from your own amassed wealth, says to me you’re a lovely person.

I’d split four ways in this situation.

I personally wouldn’t give Dd3 the same amount. I would work out a proportion for the other 3 that came from your late husband and gift them that from your father.

Well the fairest way would be to split late DH’s money across his three kids and your money across your three kids. But it’s not that simple, is it. So the next thing I’d do would be account for the fact that your youngest DC will also inherit from their DF, your current partner. Why should your youngest DC benefit from your dead husband, thus reducing what’s available to his biological children? But again, it’s not that simple.

It also very much depends on the sums involved.

Without knowing how much of your future estate has come from you vs your late husband, I’d probably try and roughly work out what youngest is likely to receive from current partner, and then work your estate so all four end up about equal once both you and partner are dead.

Whatever you do, I would make sure you discuss it with them when they are old enough and your reasons, so that everyone fully understands.

Just do the 4 way split.

You have 4 children you consider your own.

He died early, there wasn't any large estate and you used the inheritance to house and raise the children.

Many posters are projecting their situation or wishes.

I’m not understanding the relationships completely I don’t think but technically your late husbands bio children should get an equal split of ‘his half’ of the house, and your bio children get an equal split of your half’ of the house!
So if all children are his ex 1 then that child wouldn’t get any of his half, if 1 child isn’t yours then they wouldn’t get a share of your half…. Meaning I guess that your joint children would inherit more!

However if he never stated what he wanted to happen with his share of the house, and you’re happy o split the inheritance equally between 4 then this seems the least hurtful way of doing it.

if you both raised all 4 children as your own then giving one child less would be a huge rejection!

Ok just read updates…
So initially I’d have said 3 eldest had a third each of his half of the house … then your 3 bio children have a third each of your half.
meaning the elder girls get 2 sixths and the other too only 1 sixth. (Of the house)
Then any money you have from inheritance from your parents would then be split equally between your 3 bio children, and step son would only inherit the 1 sixth of his dad’s half!!
this would mean your step son would get significantly LESS than the other children -

SO taking into account that you intend to split ALL your assets including your parents inheritance left to you equally with step son and bio children, and the 3 others will also inherit from their paternal grandparents, the older 3 are going to inherit more in the long run anyway. The only one that would loose out if don’t split equally is step son…. With that in mind I think your lte husband would be very VERY happy with your intention to divide everything equally! If he wasn’t then he should have left this clause in his will.

I think your will as it stands would be fair split 4 equal ways. Taking into account that otherwise step son would be excluded from your half plus any money you have.

However it is really no body else’s business, as long as you don’t write step son out and leave him nothing either of the above scenarios are fine.

This is the long and short of it IMO. I don't know why people are trying to complicate it by saying what the deceased would have wanted (if he was that bothered he could have written it down), or considering what some of the kids might or might not be getting from elsewhere. You've got 4 kids, split your estate 4 ways. Anything else is asking for trouble.

My step MIL’s estate is being settled. All her estate value is from her late husband. She had two biological children and two stepchildren (one deceased), and 9 grandchildren from these children. She is making no distinction between her biological and step children and their children. I think that’s fairest and there’s absolutely no animosity from her biological children.

So @Imdefonotmaddona in sort step son would either get 1 sixth of just the house or 1 fourth of the whole estate Inc any assets (money) you have at the time of death.
so I’ve no idea why mumsnetters are bleating on about it not being fair on step son…. Given the choice of 1/6 of just the house or 1/4 of the whole estate I’m pretty sure step son will be more than happy with the quarter!!

Quite the opposite, it was there to take care of his family. However DH1 may never have considered the OP setting up home with another man, I don’t think that I would either, but chose to know what is down the track.

I still believe having a conversation with the oldest two is the way forward. They know the family dynamics the best and the circumstances of their Half bio sibling being taken care of by mum.

Whose to know ^

I was 30 when he died and he changed his will 3 months before he died ( his mum was on life insurance policy )
I really don’t think I was meant to never meet anyone else.

OP, you sound like an incredibly strong, thoughtful, loving person with true integrity. My siblings and I were raised for the most part by my mother and stepfather. When my father died, he left his estate in equal shares to me, his other children, my Mum and Stepdad, and the child they had together. Your commitment to your stepson and to the honouring of your late husband and also the “new” family you now have is inspiring and praise-worthy. Reminds me of my family in all the good ways. My “Stepdad” is only that on paper really. In every other respect, he is my Dad. He’s raised and supported us all. Some people can’t get their heads around the reality of this unless they’ve lived it. Those kids are all blessed to have you. I wish you all the best…long, happy, peaceful lives ❤️

I agree your life (esp at such a young age) was meant to continue and I’m positive He would have wanted that for you too!

here’s where I’m coming from. Let’s call her my SIL, her Father re-married and although was cash poor, he had property and superannuation.

The agreement with the 2nd wife was she would retain a life interest in the residence however the property would be passed to my SIL when and if 2nd wife started a new relationship.

he told all of us he had completed a new Will after their marriage. Trouble is if it existed, and we think he probably wrote it up himself, it never surfaced.
2nd wife gained Executor of his Estate and to this day, my SIL is unable to access her parents belongings and property including their wedding rings. 2nd wife has 2 full time relationships ships since SIL’s Dad died and financially benefited (house) from one of those.

Her adult children received his tools and shed equipment.

SIL’s Dad would be turning over in his box. This isn’t what he wanted for his Daughter!

And this is why I’m so adamant you speak with your two eldest before changing your Will. They might have other suggestions, but at least you can all sit at the table and discuss this and each of you know where you stand..

Even though the eldest two are young and still children? Only the first child will remember their father ?

Children have no idea the value of money.

They'll have no idea their their mum is being up someone else's child and paying for a private educated for them.

The OP has already said child 2 sees the DH2 as their father.

Speaking to children could just cause confusion and distress. If they were adults and OP was elderly and frail I agree a conversation would be best but disagree it would be helpful now.

i don’t think the first two are young anymore. ?

if so, all the more reason to protect an inheritance from their Father not falling into the hands or management of a step parent unregulated.

Sorry I was interrupted…

at the end of the day if the bio children are under 16 which was mentioned in a later post, then a trust or something needs to be established so they continue benefit from their Father’s Estate should something happen to Mum.

I had very firm ideas in my teenage years and would hate anyone to have excluded me from such conversations about my Father at that time.

as the two full biological teenagers know of their half sibling’s situation, it’s really important IMO they be engaged for their opinion and some sort of protective structure be included to protect them.

this can be revised down the track.

the Mum’s share of assets can be dealt with separately amongst her 3 bios.

If she has sufficient funds, she should note a gift for the DSS so he isn’t excluded and acknowledged through her portion of the estate… should that sadly come to pass.