AIBU to want my estate divided equally between all four children?

[Imdefonotmaddona]

I have 4 children
DD 1 and DD2 are mine and my late husbands.
DS2 - was biologically husbands and not mine but he is with me full time.
DD3 is mine with my current DP so the only one who hasn’t got the same dad.

on the passing off my husband everything came to me. I have always been financially independent and the house was paid for by both of us.
he had some money and a life insurance policy.

I am updating my paperwork and that Includes My will to include DD3.

I was discussing this with my best friend and she mentioned that I should seperate and not give equal amounts because some of what they will inherit would be technically my late husbands so should take than in to account for DD3.

I was thinking that It’s now my assets / money and that I should share it equally amongst the 4 children.

what would you do ?

Not sure why everyone is making this hard. If you are comfortable then split it 4 ways as it is easy and fair:

the only way it wouldn’t be fair is if he brought a huge amount to the relationship, and his children that aren’t yours are going to lose out.

but ultimately inheritance is a gift, just split it up as you wish. The money is yours to decide. Don’t fret on it too much…at the end of the day you could end up in a home and they get nothing.

They’re your assets. Unless your late husband left any kind of wishes but it seems he just left it to you.

This. Don't tell family OR friends what your will says - some people cannot resist putting in their oar and it never ends well.

Your money, your decision. Don't think any more about it.

I think you are looking at this incorrectly. The first two children have a different father than the second two children. So I'd be splitting their father's money differently. It's not 123 then 4 is different. It's 1/2 then 3/4 who will inherit twice.

Different DCs will inherit from different people - grandparents, other parent - but this is about the OP and her money. She can't take into account what they may or may not receive from others. The money from DH will probably be long gone on raising his children. Therefore the money to be left will all have come from OP. She has, in her eyes, four children (she does not see her DSS as 'less than') so four ways seems to be absolutely the right thing to do.

I would split four ways. You have accepted your late DH’s son as one of your own. I am sure he would be happy you have moved on and would love your DD3 in the way you love your DSS. I think the fact that your DD3 will be getting some of your late DH’s money is cancelled out by the fact your DSS is getting some of yours. Assuming your late DH’s was a kind, loving man who loved you then he would love your youngest DD and want all of your children to be treated fairly, including the one not biologically his, just as you want to care for all of his children, including the one not biologically yours.

Is your DP living in the house paid for by you and your previous husband? If so, the above poster is correct, and the poster above who said your half should be split across your four children and your deceased DHs half should be split across his three. So the fairest split is 3x 2/7s and 1x 1/7th. That last smaller amount takes into account that joint DC will also be inheriting from your current DP, but the other three get their father’s inheritance from you. Fair does not always mean equal.

You are not responding to those posters suggesting a helpful thought experiment to you. Say you die in a years time, your DP inherits from you (I know he won’t, but this puts you into some other thinking shoes!) goes onto marry again, a younger woman and has a further 2 or 3 children. How would you feel if he and his new wife decide to share the house value amongst all seven DCs? If that feels uncomfortable to you, then you haven’t got the distribution quite right in your planning.

Everything he left you was his, so it would make sense that only his children benefit. Maybe he didnt imagine you'd have more children, so didn't think it necessary to stipulate that only his children inherit.

It's understandable that you'd like all of your children to inherit equally, especially as you were his beneficiary and now have control. But, I dont think a child that's not his should be in receipt of his estate.

I think some PP's are making this way too complicated, @Imdefonotmaddona. If your late husband had been heir to the Hilton empire and we were talking vast sums then this may make sense, but it is impossible to predict who will inherit from whom and how much that will be. Grandparents could decide to leave their money to charity or could win the lottery and leave millions. We just don't know. Also, do the children all have the same level of need and the same earning potential? There are too many parameters to throw into the mix.

I guess the only two questions I might ponder are first how much your new DH is likely to leave in his will and is it likely that 100% of this will go to DD3 with nothing going to any of your other children. If you pre-decease your husband, will your share of your house go to him? In which case DD3 will get that too if she receives all of his money.

Second, if your new husband pre-deceases you, will his money pass to you? In which case will you split that money equally also? Or is he planning to leave the money directly to his DD?

Actually, when I started typing this I was going to say that equal shares is fairest, but the more I think it does sound like DD3 is in line for a windfall if she inherits 100% of your new husband's wealth plus 25% of yours, while the others share the remainder of yours and get nothing from him.

Let’s say half and half is £99k each for LDH and OP (just for easy division).

LDH £99k divided between 3 bio DC - £33k each
OP £99k divided between 3 bio DC - £33k each

DD1&2 receive £66k
DS2 receives £33k (potential to inherit from DM?)
DD3 receives £33k (potential to inherit from DF)

£49500 would appear both a more useful sum for each, and feels fairer - DS2 and DD3 didn’t have any choice in their parents, and if DD1&2 consider them all siblings, are they likely to object?

Given that all the children are under 16 I wonder how much of the husband’s money will be left at the end of the day. It’s being used to bring up the children. There probably won’t be anything left by the time any of them inherit OP’s money. An equal split certainly looks fair to me.

I think with all the swings and roundabouts, a 4 way split is fair. DD3 and DSS cancel each other out. They all seem to be getting inheritance from elsewhere. You’ve done a lovely thing taking on DSS, the inheritance they get from you including DSS will be substantial and I think your husband would be happy with this outcome.
In other circumstances, I agree a different split would be fairer but not in this one. You can explain all this to them when they are older if necessary.

Do you love them all equally? Then split the money and stop tying yourself in knots.

Split the money equally I meant to say.

Too much weight being given to money and not enough to the children’s emotions in these posts. In our family stepfather left more to his biological children than to the step children. They had all been brought up together and considered themselves one family. The step children were hurt felt less loved which wasn’t the case and the biological children were upset with what they felt was the unfairness. Giving back their extra share to be divided did not minimise the hurt and upset to all of them. You have four children leave to them all equally. What grandparents do is up to them and shouldn’t affect your decisions

Hi
thank you for all your comments. To clear things up late DH was not the sole earner and I didn’t benefit from his state apart from day to day costs of raising our children. In terms of current DP I suppose it’s a very big conversation we will have although I don’t see him not leaving my children anything including DSS. He is my DD1 and DD2 god father and he adores DSS. He has always been a close member of their lives. DD2 never met her dad. The circumstances of his death is something we are all still and will probably struggle with for an eternity. DP and I never set out to get together or to have another baby. Although our financies are seperate for the most part he contributes fairly and to be honest my DD2 only knows him as the man who has raised her as sad as that sounds it’s a reality that in some ways LDH chose not to be apart of her life. The kids adore their baby sister included DSS. I work really hard and financially always try to be responsible so that the children can and will have as much support when reaching adult hood as I can offer - that is all of them.
DSS is in a private Sen school - which is where LDH and I had decided before his death was best.
DD1 who has been I suppose most effected by the situation with her DF in is receiving private support to deal with the aftermath of what took place.
we did take a long break over the summer of the year it happened which was very much needed for me and the 3 kids.
I renovated the house
there was also costs of solicitors for living order for DSS.
i also did add some money to all their savings accounts
I will have a look and crunch the numbers and see how best to move forward.

some of what they will inherit would be technically my late husbands

No, it won't 'technically' be his at all. It will be yours, because you inherited it from him when he died. It isn't his at all, either legally or morally. If he wanted to make specific provision for his estate to go to certain people in certain ways, he would have done that in his own will, but he didn't. The moment the estate passes to you, it's yours and nobody else's and you can therefore divide it in whatever way you want to.

You sound like a great mother to all these children and doing the best you can along with DH. It sounss like there's a lot that has happened to your family and you honestly sound amazing.
I am sure that whatever you decide it will be a good and considered decision and therefore you can stand by the fact youve done the best you can.

You sound like a very kind woman.
You are correct not to marry.

As many have said it is very often a bloody disaster for the original family.
I certainly have seen huge inheritance be passed to non biological children from this.

Awful.
I think emotionally you have 4 children and you have every right to share your estate 4 ways.

Yes but equally her dad could have died with nothing and then your sister would’ve been left disadvantaged if your mum had excluded her. It’s impossible to know all possible permutations so it seems better to me to divide it equally.

No - had he died with nothing, or not left her anything (he had five other kids, to two other mothers I think, though two of the offspring had died by the time he died, and he left a widow. And, I think, five grandchildren) that would be just the way it was.

It's not about who got what in terms of pounds, it's about who was recognised by what parent and why. And my sister had extra parents.

If my dad had died with nothing and her dad was a billionaire, I wouldn't have got any of her dad's money.

I think you've said you inherited 500k including a house with a mortgage. Not sure how you inherit a house with a mortgage..was it paid in full and you then got a mortgage again? I'm guessing you owned half the house anyway so you only inherited 50%.

DSS is getting his share of his dad's inheritance by way of private education. I understand for your reasons and don't mean to sound harsh but technically he inherits from his dad and his mum not you.

I think the only way is to treat them all the same..

You asked about being a grown up DD3 and how we'd feel with less than her step brother and I'd be pissed off. He's inheriting from his dad, her mum and getting a private education which could be limiting finances available for her.

All equally seems the only way to go.

I think I remember your earlier thread when you had just found out that you were pregnant with DD3. You had been through a terrible experience and your late husband's parents were being very difficult. I'm so glad that things have worked out for you.

You sound like a really great mum to all the children.

This really annoys me. It's now your money, to leave to who you want. Not your late husbands.

Well that is the way it is for you in the current situation . Funny how you believe your sibling should have been philosophical in your invented situation but you feel entitled to be disgruntled about the actual one.

And of course it’s about the money, although it is what that money symbolises too. For the OP it symbolises that she wants to treat all her children, including her stepchild, exactly the same. No one can say that’s unfair given that she’s also looked after all of those children equally.

The potential scenario in which your dad could have left you nothing and hers could have been a billionaire is just a that: an invented scenario. I’m sorry for you that you’re so bitter about it but it doesn’t make you right about the OP.