AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Hard to say whether you are being unreasonable because it’s unclear whether it’s your husband imposing these restrictions on you, or whether it’s just you imagining them and restricting yourself? If it’s the latter then to be honest I think you need to work on your own confidence and self-esteem rather than expecting your husband/children to do it for you.

You are right it is probably more self imposed at this point, but when I point it out my husband says it should change but doesn’t do anything to change it, so then I think ‘well that’s what I deserve’ !
I know my confidence is low, but how do I fix it when the only person who’s opinion I value is that I’m fine as I am!

You're not unreasonable to feel that way, but you are unreasonable because it sounds like you're facilitating it, and that that comes from your current low self esteem.

You saw something you liked, but instead of saying "this is great, I would like this please" and going to buy it, you said "oh, it's not in the sale" - not-very-sub-text "I don't think I'm worth that".

So stop doing that. Say "I've lost weight and I want some new clothes as mine don't fit me. Let's go shopping/I'm going shopping on X date, for new clothes for me". And then do it.

Same for the haircut. Just book it and go.

No-one is going to (nor should they) rate you higher than you rate yourself. But you haven't actually said DH is negative at all, just that he's pro-active for himself and not for you. And that's ok. You just need to do the same and get out of this self-effacing mindset that so many women suffer from.

Are you restricting yourself? Or is he? It’s not clear.
if its you, then you need to work on yourself to stop feeling like this it’s nobody elses job but yours.

It’s not his job to change how you feel! That is really unfair to put on him.

I voted YABU as it seems youre the one imposing these restrictions on yourself. Stop playing the martyr and buy yourself some clothes.

I would suggest trying to find a full time job, if your children are old enough to be ok before and after school, then you can contribute more, and build up a fund for yourself. Congratulations on your weight loss, You should treat yourself to a couple of nice well fitting outfits it will make you feel more confident.

Do you not have a joint account? If not, it's likely financial abuse.

Yes this. Do you have equal, independent access to family money? If not then that needs to be addressed. But if you do, then take the step yourself. Go out and buy some new clothes. Book a hair appointment. Do you have good female friends who could accompany you?

What do you want him to change? Surely you have access to your joint accounts? Just go out and spend the money.

my first question is - do you have access to the family money?

If so then start with a good bra fitting. Cant start loooking at husband/kid things there.

I found after my baby that my body had changed and I felt like a sack. My DP always said I looked lovely because to him I did. He also always said let’s go out and buy you things but I hesitated because I couldn’t find what I liked and always came back with kids stuff.

He wasn’t in the wrong at all, it was partly my frame of mind and that to him I did look lovely.

Going for some basics - a good bra etc really helped.

It's not his responsibility to change it.

From his POV, he's being encouraging and saying "I love you and think you look fine as you are, but if you want to change things, that's fine, and you should do that". How could he be any more supportive and encouraging without saying "yeah, you're right, you look a mess...", which is negative and would impact your self confidence?!? Poor guy.

It sounds like there's literally no negatives here. Channel your inner goddess and start both thinking and acting like you're worth it. And if you're faking it to start with, never mind, it'll come with practice.

Jesus. 0-100 in an instant based on absolutely no evidence.

the husband doesn’t seem to be imposing these restrictions, the op seems to be doing it herself and has some good advice around taking charge, spending on herself.

why the leap to “he must be abusive”?

What are you expecting him to do to change it? It sounds like you have access to funds but refuse to buy things.

When you go shopping, why not say to your DH, you go to the men's department and I'll go to the women's and meet you in an hour or just say, let's split for a few hours and we'll each go the whatever shops we wants. Or shop online. Have you joint access to all money ? If not, insist you have a budget equal to your husband's personal spends.

If your clothes are now too big, simply chat to your DH about the fact you will be buying new clothes and if you feel you have to, decide on a budget for this with him, but make sure it's an adequate amount and not a frugal amount. Book a hairdresser appointment and just go and spend the money on it.

If money is an issue, stop with the treats and things for your children from your salary until you've built up a wardrobe for yourself. Start putting yourself first, you deserve it. Decide you're not settling for second best any longer.

I'm assuming you have access to his wages and can see how much is "free" each month for you to spend on clothes/hair, or do you have to rely on him to actually buy them with his card? If it's the latter then you need an honest and open talk about access to the family pot as that can be classed as financial abuse.

He's your husband, not your father.

YOU are responsible for changing it, even your husband thinks so, so just do it.

No-one else is 'overlooking' you here.

Why would you feel guilty about buying a box dye? You sound rather passive- expecting DH to take action for you.
Your role in the family has equal value to his. He is not putting any barriers in your way. Just go shopping- no one feels good in clothes 4 sizes too big. Go out this afternoon.

But why does your husband need to “do” anything to change it?? Surely you are capable of going to the shop and buying the clothing items that you need? It sounds like your husband loves you as you are. That doesn’t mean he thinks you don’t “deserve” more/better.

The fact that you ONLY value your husband’s opinion and not your own is exactly the problem… you need to work on yourself and stop putting this responsibility on your husband. I do genuinely believe you are struggling but your behaviour is bordering on weaponised incompetence (or perhaps ‘weaponised helplessness’ is more appropriate in this context) which is not fair on your husband.

So you spent years being economically inactive, having actually rendered yourself financially dependent, and now you’re belatedly discovering this wasn’t a good idea and has cramped you in all kinds of ways? Honestly, OP, I’m not unsympathetic, but this was self-caused. You adopted the persona of the self-sacrificing martyr at the kitchen sink, and now you’re reaping the unpleasant consequences.

Start looking around for FT work immediately. I’d suggest therapy, but if you won’t let yourself go to the hairdresser, you’re probably not going to spend the money.

I said " If not". Maybe I should say " Do you have access to money?". Because she doesn't sound as if she does.
I have seen countless examples on MM of SAHMS who have no money, so I don't think ir's a leap.

Your confidence is low because you’ve been out of the workplace for so long and so you have no independence. If your kids are almost grown then you should have gone back years ago and started building your career. I don’t understand why women do this in this day and age.

We do have joint accounts, I just don’t feel like I should be spending money on myself when what I earn doesn’t even cover the groceries, ikywim. He does say it is our money, so it’s not him gate keeping just my insecurity. I’d love to earn more but I’ve been out of full time work for so long and there is no more hours in the work that I do.

Ok then I stand corrected. It's now your issue to solve. Stop being a martyr.

It's not up to your hubby to take you shopping or to get your hair done.

Go, get out there, leave him with the kids and enjoy trying on and getting some nice things. Stop feeling like you're not worth it.