AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Being a bit blunt here, OP, though of course I sympathise with how down you're feeling – you seem to be blaming others a lot for this, especially your DH. Why is that? It doesn't sound as if he's done anything wrong other to do the things he wants to do and buy the things he wants to buy for himself.

At some point, you have to stop expecting people to open the door for you. You have to open the door for yourself.

Not to be harsh but you have let yourself lose all autonomy whilst being a SAHM. Its an amazing privilege and sounds like everyone has benefited whilst youve become their maid. Maybe your husband genuinely likes you being a little invisible but if that doesn't suit you you must change it.
It doesn't mean you can be indulged a little too. Doesn't matter who pays, up your hours if it money thats the issue. Hope you can do it, not your husband responsibility. Its real life not Pretty Woman. You need to change yourself.

Where is she having to" beg" for things?? She chooses not to buy them

Have you actually told your husband how you feel as he’ll most probably tell you you’re being silly and to book that hair cut and buy some new clothes and if he doesn’t …. Well then that’s an issue

If you let yourself be overlooked, then that is what will happen. Remember, there are no living martyrs. Your sacrifices are unnoticed.

Is there no female friend/family who could go shopping with you, make it a day and enjoy it.

Just do those things then? He’s obviously not going to be interested in shopping for clothes for you or booking haircuts for you (unless it’s a gift or something)
I’m not interested in going shopping for my husbands clothes that would just be a mental burden for me

Good job she works, then.

This is a self worth issue. Being a SAHM doesn't make you worthless - just because you aren't bring in £££s doesn't mean you are insignificant. You have raised children, kept a home, been everything to everyone.

I, for other reasons, have always struggled to spend money on myself. But I literally decided when I turned 50 that i'm getting my hair cut and coloured every 6 weeks and if I need new clothes I will buy them!

My OH is a big spender on his hobbies, I also wanted to paddleboard so I just did it - nearly gave myself a coronary but spent £600 on a board just for me!

You have to give yourself value. Noone else is going to get you a hair appointment or buy you clothes - you need to just do it.

@TotalBaloney It is. And I'm saying she should be using the money that she earns to treat herself and not feel guilty about it 😀

If your wages allow for treats here and there then the next time you get paid tell your husband you’ll be treating yourself this month. Get to the salon and then to the shops. By yourself and look after you for a day. Everyone else will survive. Be nice to yourself ❤️❤️❤️

your DH and DC love you just as you are, that’s why they don’t think anything needs to change. You have every right to spend money from your joint account, because what you contribute to the household is priceless, the actual money is irrelevant. Go and get that new hairstyle and some nice new clothes. The whole household will benefit from having a happier wife and mother. We are all in charge of our own happiness and self esteem

This is what I wanted to ask. Surely if you were a stay at home mum (which benefits everyone fyi, so you don't "owe" anyone anything) you had access to spending money for shopping etc??

EDIT After seeing your updates.

Girl, go out and buy some outfits that fit and you feel good in. You have contributed to your family just as much, just in different ways and you need to value yourself.
Your hubby sounds clueless rather than mean, so stop waiting for him to notice and know your worth.
(Sending big hugs also, cos I know it's hard to break habits that have gotten hold of you)

It sounds like you have lost your confidence and need to invest in yourself a bit more. Forget about using your salary for treats for the family for a few months since you say overall as a family you are comfortable and use your money to treat yourself. What’s stopping you from booking a hair appointment? So what if it’s a box dye if the colour makes you feel good. Millions of women use box dyes they are no more than £10 why would you feel guilty about that. Why not go shopping on your own so you can spend a few hours concentrating on yourself and what clothes you like, try things on and buy what you want whether or not it’s in the sale. It’s seems you need new things anyway because of the weight loss. Take yourself for a coffee or lunch and get back to being you. Does your DH make you feel as though you don’t deserve or shouldn’t buy nice things for yourself as you were SAHM or now earn less than him ? or are these your own views? You seem to put a lot of emphasis on what your DH says or thinks even when you think differently. You might need to start operating from a place of what you think and feel about yourself and what will make you happy rather than placing more importance on others opinions.

Get onto the free Melissa Murrell stylist posts and start looking at these. Don’t be ashamed. I went through this phase. It’s part putting everyone else in the family first and part not earning the main money somehow feeling you shouldn’t spend. You need to make yourself feel and look better to continue to have the stamina to care for everyone. Well done for the weight loss. Now enjoy.

I get my hair done at the local college. They always do a great job. Cut and blowdry is £14. Check Vinted for new clothes, I get stuff with labels still on at a fraction of the retail price.

Snap out of this mind set immediately. You are deserving of a bra that fits, a salon cut and color and some nice clothes! Regularly! Jeez, have you ever sat down and worked out how much the in-sourcing of childcare, plus cleaning, ironing etc has saved you over the years?
Get out there and shop!

so what was the point of the thread? It was all your mindset and still is

I think OP has self esteem problems not shopping or money problems....

OP if you're stil reading, a couple of ideas for helping you to get used to treating yourself better:

Make an appointment at a decent salon to get your hair cut and coloured for a week's time and then tell your DH that you have. You aren't asking his permission, but your changing the default so you can see it as approval when he doesn't tell you it's a bad idea. Then go to the appointment!

On a similar vein, arrange a shopping day with a friend who will be supportive of you updating your wardrobe. Tell your DH you're going and expect to spend £500/a couple of thousand/whatever is a similar amount to what he's spent over the last 6 months when you've bought virtually nothing. And when he nods agreement, you can see it as approval and feel okay about going out and spending it.

I'm not suggesting this because I think you need your DH to approve, but because you have difficulty feeling it's okay and I think this will help you get to the point where that's easier. Equally doing this shopping without him there is important because you feel that if he isn't pushing you to buy he disapproves and this takes away the opportunity for you to feel that (non-existent!) disapproval.

When you've bought something, wear it! Look at yourself in the mirror and admire yourself. Encourage yourself to enjoy what you've bought. try not to look to your DH for his admiration (though I hope he does admire it). You need to build up your ability to rely on yourself for approval.

And good luck!

What are your hobbies OP? If none, and many women have none, what do you enjoy doing? Reading? Painting? Sport? Walking in the countryside? Theatre? Cinema? Whatever it is, please get out there and do more of it.

Echoing others, you are the only person who is stopping you.

It is about mismatched earnings. Sadly all the work you have put in all these past years (like so many other women) has been 'unpaid employment ' . You didn't just work part-time/ become a SAHM for your kids, it also allowed your DH to focus on his work and progress therein, hence his current secure financial position....you facilitated it, yet try saying that to him in so many words and it will fall on deaf ears.
You mentioned kids are grown up...strongly advise you to invest in your own financial growth now- get trained up, get a full-time job and earn your own money...and spend it.
It will do wonders for your self esteem, self confidence and self respect. Respect from others will be a sweet side effect.
Try it.
Best wishes from someone who is doing just that right now- it's bloody awesome and empowering.

But this is all your choice OP! Sorry but it’s so tedious when grown adults behave this way. You need to prioritise yourself instead of passively waiting for someone else to do it and then whining about it.

Agree with this
Like it or not, money means you have power and choices.