AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

So retrain?

Just buy things you like, stop waiting for his permission - you don’t need it.

Just stop this apologising for existing martrydom.

You're a family, you are a team, you look after each other.

Buy the goddamn designer clothes and get your hair done.

Asking would have made sense, others did

there was no evidence she didn’t have access. I just find it odd people jump to ”I assume you are being abused unless you show otherwise”

There's no enough details

If he genuinely believes his money is both YOURS, it's perfectly natural he assumes you buy the things you need, and book the hairdresser you want.
I am honestly not sure many of us would want to babysit our husband and telling them to get themselves a treat.

If he's subtly being abusive and making sure you don't spend HIS money, then obviously he's in the wrong.

What do you expect him to do? It's not up to him to book your appointment, and if you want to go to a specific shop or shop area, just.. go?
"I need to look at tops/ dresses, I text you to meet when I am finish"? Do you even follow him when he buys HIS clothes instead?

Your best bet then might be to actually sit down with him and discuss a budget to update your wardrobe etc. if there's a specific ring fenced amount of money allocated to you for it you might feel less conflicted about spending it?

It's quite easy to deprioritise yourself when you have kids, even if you don't give up work - there's always something they need, so you spend the money on them instead of you. I know I do it myself sometimes and I've always worked. You do have to fight back against the tendency though, as long as they're not going short of essentials then you matter as much as they do, and particularly if you have girls it's good to reinforce that mum's aren't just service humans for the rest of the family!

Thanks for the brutal honesty!

you are right, but finding full time work when you have little to no experience/ skillset isn’t that easy. I have looked and I don’t seem to fit the majority of roles!
my husband has never pressured me to go back to full time work ( my previous work was quite physically demanding and I wouldn’t be able to that work now).

I think it’s very easy to fall into a pattern of feeling guilty that you aren’t contributing “enough” financially, and when household finances have been tight when the kids are young, mums often forego nice things for themselves. Even when finances become easier, the habit of putting yourself last has become so ingrained it’s hard to know how to change it.

I started in a different place - the first thing I lavished on myself was time. Time to read a novel, have a long soak in the bath, or spend a whole morning in the garden planting flowers. Then I added time to go out with friends, to go to a weekly Pilates class, to pay for a gym membership.

A good haircut can make you feel like a new person so I’d definitely start there if I were in your shoes.

In the end I decided I didn’t want to spend a lot on clothes - a capsule wardrobe, topped up with some bargains from Vinted was enough.

This isn’t really about who has permission to spend what - it’s all about your self esteem.

This is a ‘you’ issue. You cannot put this on him unless he is withholding money from you. He cannot validate you - you have to do this for. yourself.

Give yourself an allowance. You can supplement it by doing surveys, selling stuff, or babysitting if you don’t want to get a job. Put that money in a ‘me’ account and spend it on yourself.

Use Vinted to buy things similar to those you have seen in the shops at 20% of the price. Build up a wardrobe of things you love.

But do splash out on that good haircut.

This is all in your head and only you can fix it.

Basically, hard as it is, you need to shift from thinking dh should be making you feel more valued/growing your confidence, to owning that power yourself.

Depending what's happened in your life, working with a counsellor might help.

Sorry op but at this point it really is a you issue.
You tell him, he agrees but HE doesn't do anything to change it? How can he? He shouldn't be going and buying you clothes because you don't want to. He agrees it shared money. He doesn't discourage you.

If you need a lot of clothes and you don't want to spend thousands, why not pop around somewhere like the Supermarket clothes sections. Try some bits in basics.

A pair of jeans that fit. Some shirts. Skirts. Pair of shorts. Whatever.

My guesses are he won't notice the money, he possibly won't even notice the clothes but he will notice the change in your confidence

He does say it is our money, so it’s not him gate keeping just my insecurity.

then you are being silly!

This is a very first world problem, OP.

If your kids are “almost grown”, it’s time to get a full time job.

you will need new clothes and your haircut anyway, even if it's just to look for a job, so go and get them!

Go Primark, Vinted if you really want to go slow
Or just make a list of basics you NEED and shop around in the usual Next etc..

The job market is dire right now.

This can be easily improved. Sit down and budget with DH, including a clothes budget for him and you!

Perhaps you need to keep your earnings and spend them on you! You massively contribute by caring for the DC.”

Why would HE change it

Surely it's up to you to change it

Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything,

I don’t mean to be unkind, but it reads to me like you’re hinting rather than saying directly what you want. And some men just don’t get hints. So - for example - your saying “this isn’t in the sale” may have been interpreted to mean “I only want it if it’s in the sale”. You seem to be waiting for him to say “buy it, buy it” - but he may not have realised that you wanted it?

So this is a problem you can solve. You have access to the money, your DH hasnt said you can’t spend it, has actually said you should so buy what you need. If that means that there isnt the funds for new clothes for him then he may need to wait till next month and you don’t buy yourself something then too. Stop putting yourself last and start making it more equal.

in terms of priority I would prioritise like this:

• kids essentials - they grow out or wear out of clothes fast if they need new shoes or uniform then that come first
• your essentials - bras, staples that fit for day to day use
• DH essentials - sounds like he has everything he needs right now but if something needs replacing
• equal priority to ‘wants’ and optional extras

You are living proof why not working is such bad idea in the end. You seriously need to do something about your own life before it’s too late.

This is really sad. I was a SAHP for 10 years, until my youngest started school, as my DH worked unpredictable shifts which would have made childcare very difficult. We had a joint bank account which we considered our joint income - his earned through his work
outside the home and mine earned through dealing with all the domestic side of life.
Your role is as valuable as your DH’s and you have no reason to feel somehow less deserving.

Has the OP tried? I don’t think so. Just says there aren’t any more hours in her current job and complains that she doesn’t want to spend her husband’s earnings.

Think of the value of the services you were providing to your family as a SAHM. Saving hundreds and more each month in childcare. No pressure on your DH having to take time off work during school holidays, childhood illnesses, probably didn't do school runs either. Bet you did and probably still do the vast majority of housework, cooking, laundry and the running of the household. You probably also say that you don't want any birthday or Christmas presents or ask for some household gift.

What do you think all this would cost if it were outsourced??

Book a hairdresser appointment, plan a shopping trip just for you, shop online and as I said above, don't go to the cheapest shops just because it's for you.

You have equal access to the accounts, why aren't you buying necessary clothes? Wearing clothes 4 and 5 sizes too big that have to be held up with belts is ridiculous. You're wearing clothes that were for a woman 50 pounds heavier. This sounds like a huge lack of self esteem and there's some learned helplessness going on here too. When you go shopping, you go to the women's section while he's doing his shopping. If you can shop for your husband and children, you can shop for yourself. You've worked in the home raising a family which made it possible for your husband to work and have a family, do you think that's worth nothing? You're self martyring yourself for your family when it's not necessary.

GEt some clothes that fit and retrain. Check out your local jobs center. Try volunteering part time if you're able, that contributes to your community. Contributions aren't always monetary. I think you need to change it up a bit, you sound like you're in a rut. And think about some therapy.