AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

Dear lord now I’ve read it all. 😂 Poor helpless woman.

Hmm
I think therapy to unpack the why more. Is this you shrinking because there’s been financial abuse during your marriage or is it a self confidence thing? Also have you considered peri menopause if you are that age?

I sort of get it if it’s similar to my situation. I don’t work. My dh would think nothing of just buying whatever but I sometimes feel I need to ask or I shouldn’t have something because I didn’t earn it. That comes from me not him. He would say “just buy it”.

So I guess you need to figure out why and where this comes from before you can change it.

I think this honesty was perhaps a bit too 'brutal'. Lots of people make the choice to be SAHMs and yet don't necessarily end up with the sense of powerlessness and unimportance that you describe. You will have contributed so much to your children's lives and to your DH's life over these many years, and presumably your DH wanted you not to work, or at least agreed to it. You deserve to feel like an equal partner in your marriage.

You say you reckon it's more about you and your perceptions than about your DH. However, these things can be complicated. Often one person tells us they'd be fine with something changing but shows us something different through their actions. Or perhaps they are fine with something on a rational level but find themselves surprised by their emotional reactions when it happens. We get stuck in our habits and assumptions. It sounds like your DH is simply not used to considering your needs as important, and in a long marriage, a dynamic like that doesn't tend to be down to just one person, I suspect.

It is also possible that if your family budget only stretches to one person buying designer items at will and not two people, he is very used to and comfortable with being able to spend this much on himself without thought.... in which case he is going to need some re-educating on fairness.

In your shoes I think I would say directly to DH that I need a new wardrobe and that I intend to start shopping for more things for myself to meet that need. I would also say that I want to start booking regular hair appointments, that it is likely to cost x, and that I think it's important for my wellbeing. Don't frame it as asking permission but as giving him a heads up. If he is as supportive as you say, he will accept it. If he actually doesn't think you are entitled to these things, his reaction will show you that too. Either way, you'll know for sure whether he is part of the problem or not, and can then decide where to go from there.

You could just crack on and start spending without saying anything, and if you know you're within your family budget, that is something you would be well within your rights to do. But a conversation might help you feel more comfortable. (Unless, of course, your DH is actually a dick!)

Crucially you mustn't rely on him to think to get things for you, to linger in the right parts of the shop or to give you 'permission' to spend on yourself, because it sounds like he just won't. He isn't used to it and the new habit won't just appear out of nowhere on his part. Nor is it good to reinforce the notion that you need him to treat you or allow you to get things. You are a person in your own right. Your contributions to your family can't just be measured in money. And if it came to a divorce one day, you'd probably be entitled to half of it all, and rightly so! Know your worthc sister.

OP I think you should have a good think about what other ways you're martyring yourself within the family, because spending all your earnings on treats for the family while walking around in clothes four sizes to big and worrying about booking something as basic as a haircut is extreme. I'd expect you to do a bigger share of household tasks as you're part time, but are you constantly taking care of everything without any expectations of anyone else to do anything? Do you get the chance to do hobbies or go out and do things with friends?

Ultimately no one will respect you for martyring yourself in this way, if fact it's generally the opposite. You are also sending a message to your children that mothers are worth less than everyone else in the family. You need to start treating yourself as of equal importance to everyone else. I'd have a think about all the things you are stopping yourself from doing/ having and consider whether you would consider it unreasonable for any other family member to have them. I'm guessing the rest of the family have haircuts? Since your lack of earning power is bothering you maybe also spend some time thinking about what jobs you would like to do and what you would need to qualify for them. It's not impossible to change careers later in life. I had a complete career change when I was 40, which came with almost a doubling of my salary, I realise that you may be a bit older, but you shouldn't write off the idea of a career if that is what you want.

Unnecessarily brutal imo. This has not happened because of being a Sahm. This was my mum when I was younger and she worked full time. Apart from the Sahm part, she could have written this exactly as you did.

While I appreciate that you’re trying to be “considerate” you are over-sacrificing, if that makes sense. And the reason nothing changes when you tell your husband is because he can’t make you change - this is your problem to overcome.

In my family, if my mum said “I like this but it’s not on sale” my dad would hear: “I like this but not enough to pay that price/its not worth what they’re asking” and then in the sale section “oh I don’t like any of this” he’s thinking: “she’s not really interested in anything in this shop, let’s move on”. They’re men, not mind readers. They need everything spelling out. “I love this dress.” You don’t have to say “but…” anything if you want it. Try it on. Decide if you want it.

And buy the groceries out of the joint account and spend all your money on yourself if your DH’s money covers the family spending. That’s covered, you don’t need to worry about it.

I don't quite understand what you want, are you hoping your husband will insist you spend money on clothes, book your haircut, tell you that you look frumpy? He's told you to spend the money, you need to do it, book the appointment. He's told you look fine so it's about you and how you feel about yourself but you seem to be expecting other people to solve this for you. You seem to of told yourself that you're not worth spending money on. I feel that to a certain extent. I wouldn't spent hundreds on a dress or get my hair professionally coloured, but I do dye my hair, but a new mascara not and then, buy clothes when I want them. Maybe it's an age thing, I'm in my fifties and feel less attractive and I'm not so sure what my style is now. But I can figure that out and I'm happy generally with how I look. You need to do things for yourself I think, your husband and children love you and are used to you being how you are I assume.

I think you should go shopping without him and start to get some control back. It doesn’t sound like you’re restricted by him, it’s just you. Would it help to get an actual allowance of sorts so you know it’s ‘yours’?

I don’t know if this will help at all but I am a high earner married to an even high earner. However, while I shop with/for the rest of the family I have always found myself doing exactly what you say - looking only at reduced clothes, or at a push in supermarkets. I suspect it’s similar to my subconscious reasons - I don’t like myself visually (my middle aged body specifically), so I take no pleasure in dressing it.

Since I’ve become aware of this I have made a real effort (and it truly is an effort) to treat myself better in this way, and I have had a few mini shopping sprees solely focused on me, in nice shops. I still don’t enjoy it but I do make a point of telling myself I’m worth it, I deserve to have nice things too etc.

I can say 100% this isn’t anything that comes, consciously or subconsciously, from my husband - it’s all in my own head. He is confident and dresses well - I look at things and think oh that’s lovely, but it wouldn’t be on me….etc. I’m quite sad even typing this out and admitting it to myself but your post struck a chord with me.

This is exactly what I would love him to do!

I know it’s a me problem not feeling worthy of buying myself things, but I would love for him to see my situation ( because I have told him) and think this shopping trip is all about you!

He has said as such but when we actually get to the shops we somehow come out with things for him not me, it has happened so often that I don’t even get my hopes up anymore. So suppose that doesn’t help either my feelings of worthlessness.
but there is nothing stopping me from shopping for myself except me and that is my responsibility you are all correct on that!

Well you could wait for him to do this forever. Stop expecting him to know what you want without telling him.

Thank you, I will look into the book!

my Dad was/is very controlling with money! I remember my mum hiding money from him and telling me to keep it a secret. I didn’t think that was where I was at, DH wouldn’t want it to be that way, it’s my feelings of inadequacies that is holding me back.

We may need to agree to disagree, as I see you trying to absolve her of all personal responsibility and make it her husbands responsibility. This man has supported her , gives her full access to money, tells her she looks fine, tells her it’s not right, needs to change, all he’s not done is bought clothed for her.

trying to make it his fault, doesn’t help her, others are trying to help her, irrelevant of how harsh you find it, because if she takes personal responsibility, understands it’s her imposing these things on herself then complaining about him, she’s more likely to act.

she is perfectly capable of going and getting her hair cut, or buying some new clothes, instead she is choosing not to, whilst complaining he’s lots of stuff. When asked she admits she’s the same access she simply chooses not to.

I’m sorry that’s a bit much wanting him to buy you clothes. And you don’t need a voucher he’s given you full access to his earnings,

But he's not a mind reader! I couldnt bear it if someone was expecting me to "cajole and persuade them" to book a haircut and choose a dress while they quietly resisted in a martyr-like way. Dear God, just go buy yourself some new clothes and stop waiting for your husband to lift you up to the clothes on a gold pedastel all the while reassuring you that you deserve them...

But if you have equal access to the money, what are your hopes up for? He probably sees this literally whereas you see it emotionally. You CAN go and do the same thing as him, he doesn’t need to hold your hand and force you to do it - you’re making a choice not to. And we tend not to want to be infantilised or have choices made for us either….

I think he’s in a tricky position here - you need to take yourself shopping and tell yourself you’ve not leaving until you’ve bought X,Y,Z or spent £X just on you.

I can picture exactly what you mean because I find shopping with my husband quietly frustrating in so much as he can be full of joy and have picked up 10 outfits he loves and looks amazing in, while I haven’t so much as found a single thing, when the purpose of the trip was actually for me to find X for Y event. But when I take the emotion out, it’s more he shops with ease and I make it REALLY hard work for myself.

I have no words.

Thank you, this is how I want to feel, ‘seen’,
not that he has to fix it, but I would feel worthy and then confident enough to value myself.

He has said as such but when we actually get to the shops we somehow come out with things for him not me, it has happened so often that I don’t even get my hopes up anymore

Because you chose not to buy anything, you know you can, wanting your husband to buy them for you whilst telling you you deserve them is a little disturbing,

And also this could easily be misconstrued as ‘my husband thinks I’m frumpy and don’t make enough effort to look good for him’ and followed by lots of posts about how he should love her just as she is etc.

In this situation it really doesn’t sound like he can win, OP. You need to do the work on you.

You can see that poster is stand alone. And n0 one else thinks in this way, I understand you want your husband to do all these things for you, but most adults do not want their partner to buy them clothes, you’re not a child.

Have you considered finding part-time voluntary work, alongside your current paid hours, to help to build your skills and confidence? Your children are almost grown, so hopefully things like housework, cooking etc is not all on you. It sounds like you need to rediscover who you are outside of being a wife and mother, which is hard to do if you still spend most of your time filling that role. I'm not saying abandoned the family, but they are old enough to do more for themselves and each other.

This arrangement has totally infantilised you, OP.

Bluntly this is a you problem not a DH problem. You being a SAHM has enabled in part his professional success and the family’s current financial situation.
Do it in steps

1. book a haricut at a nice Salon with an experienced hairdresser.
2. Allocate yourself a budget eg £500 go to a decent store eg John Lewis and buy a full outfit including shoes.

You cannot blame this on your DH. He isn’t withholding money from you. This is your issue.

You need to find a way to stop looking to others for validation. You need to ‘see’ yourself. You will get far more respect and attention if you do this

Just go shopping on your own and get stuff ?