AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

@centsandcentsilbilty OP stop martyring yourself. Pull yourself together, get a haircut and colour (if you want a colour) and go shopping for some new clothes that fit your new figure. At the very least get yourself a new, properly fitting bra! You will feel 100% better once you lose this 'poor little me' attitude. See it as an investment in yourself.

I agree with your first paragraph

your second has no basis in fact and is a pure leap

Oh cmon now. This is a woman who works, who has full access to money, a husband who supports her and lets her spend it if she wishes.

shes an adult. She has personal responsibility. She has clear confidence is back in the work place. This is a woman chosing to behave as she does and is weaponising it against her husband,

Just a suggestion, but have you ever used Vinted to sell/buy?
I’ve gone though all my clothes/bags/shoes etc and sold stuff in decent condition that I no longer wear. (I lost weight too - so well done for that).
I’ve used the money to buy some lovely stuff, and it’s all ‘free’! Also helps the environment to give things another lease of life and prevent it ending up in landfill.

Why would she need to ask him how much she can spend? It's her money too. If OP knows how much is in their account and roughly what their outgoings are then surely she's capable of working out for herself what is reasonable.

However this response is also harsh

shes weaponising it? Rubbish. The op is low on confidence and needs to feel worthy of looking after herself. It’s not his fault, but she’s not weaponising anything!

Go and speak to your husband and say, ‘I am wearing clothes 5 sizes too big and my bra doesn’t fit-I need to get some clothes. I just want to check that you don’t have any issues with me buying some stuff?’

Do you need him to go to ‘the big town’ with you-can you just go on your own?!

You deserve clothes that fit. If your household budget can cover designer clothes for him, it can stretch to new things for you. You need to start just shopping for them. Don't feel guilty. If it becomes apparent that the money isn't going far enough, then you and your husband can look at the situation and come up with a plan together, but the answer isn't to never buy anything for yourself.

Your husband may genuinely think you look nice when you ask, especially if he's used to seeing you dressed a certain way. It might be different if you changed from a smart, well-fitting outfit to something that was baggy and faded, with a clear and immediate contrast. It could be that he doesn't see clothes the same way you do, as well. Try not to take it personally that he doesn't insist you shop for yourself; just start shopping, because you need it. Shopping doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can still stick within a budget—but if he's spending lots of himself, I'd be less inclined to skimp too much when you do start buying clothes for yourself.

“Many couples” do not agree with this at all. And no, I don’t have sympathy for people who choose domestic servitude then are surprised it leaves them feeling downtrodden and shit. Terrible dynamic all round.

He’s already told her it’s fine.

You need to re-organise the family finances:
A joint account for all household and joint expenses, including bills, weekly food shop, cleaning stuff, minor repairs and household equipment, gifts from both of you to other people, family holiday, Xmas, joint socialising, etc.
All income from both of you gets paid into the joint account.
A current account each for personal expenses like clothes, and 'fun' money.
From the joint account, you each get the same allowance transferred into your current accounts. That is then for you each to spend or save just as you choose.
Neither of you should buy clothes or other personal items using the joint account.
Negotiate whether phones and cars are joint or personal.

You need to work out a household budget, including joint short-term and long-term savings, to work out how much personal allowance you each get per month.
Sit down with DH asap, explain how you are feeling, and state that you need this new set up, so that you know how much you can spend on yourself guilt-free, and you know that he has the same to spend on himself so it is all completely fair.

He may push back because he doesn't want to feel limited by a personal allowance. Absolutely insist on doing the budget together, to show him just how big the personal allowance that you both get can be. He may be happy to go ahead when he sees that this money will be just for him, to spend on himself with no oversight or explanation or guilt (just as yours will be).

If he won't agree, then he has a control issue, and you have a big problem.

Yes she is. She’s clearly blaming him in her op. This woman works, she got back into the work place after a long period out. She earns, she has full access to money. This isn’t lack of confidence. In fact it takes a lot more confidence to walk about in clothes several sizes too big and bad hair and blame your 0ld man.

As others have said, most of this seems self imposed. I've lived with a financially abusive husband, yours isn't.
Make the hair appointment, decide on a budget for the clothes, it's only you deciding that you can only buy from the sale rail, not your husband telling you this.
Grab your self esteem, ask a friend to go shopping with you or do an online order, stop with the martyrdom. If you've been a SAHM then you have 'worked' for your kids and family.
Start looking for full time work, put the feelers out, you may be surprised at what transferable skills you have.
If you don't have access to money for clothes etc then that needs to be addressed and a monthly budget decided

You were comfortable but not rolling in it (your words) before you found PT work. You now work PT so I fail to see how you can’t pay for a hair cut or a new dress. This doesn’t sound like your husband or your life choices / financial decisions for you not to work are impacting it, it sounds like you’re self imposing these restrictions and it’s not clear why.

Honestly assuming your DH is true to his word, this is potentially a win-win situation.

Have a look online, tot up what you'd like to get clothes wise and add on the cost of a haircut/colour and anything else you fancy as part of your post weight loss needs.

Tell him you need x much to cover this and are just letting him know so he doesn't get a surprise when he sees it come out of the account.

Then use your new found confidence to go job hunting so you don't have to be in this position again.

Why should your husband make the change for you, as you state? You've got to do it for yourself. I recently lost 3 stone and no one helped me. I just decided I was going to, and so I did.

You're acting like he's your father, not your husband. You've repeatedly said he's not stopping you, so this means you're stopping yourself, yet you still think he's the one in the wrong, somehow?

OP, you need to test the water. Go and get a coffee and sit in a cafe and read a book for 30 minutes. Get used to doing things for yourself and build up slowly.

If you are grocery shopping - think of one thing you never buy but YOU like - add it. And make sure you sit down to enjoy it properly and don't et anyone's demands interrupt you. (You may not relax and enjoy it because that's not what you are used to anymore - but you need to teach yourself to do that again)

Next time you are shopping and DH is picking up designer gear - pick up a full price pair of jeans and a top and say you are getting these. An M&S jeans and top will come around 50-60pounds full price. Get them.
If he stops you - you know you have a DH problem too.

If you have access to the money & are considering sensible levels of spending within the family budget its not clear your husband is stopping you?

If your kids are almost grown why aren't you working full time? Perhaps if you did you'd regain a bit of financial confidence and independence.

You need to own this OP. YOU are holding yourself back. But you are now aware of this, so time to act on it.

This week:
Book the hairdresser. Get a good cut and blow dry.

Follow up in the coming weeks with:
Buy 2 good bras, and a nice set of knickers in the correct size
Buy a pair of jeans and a summer pants
Buy a dress and/or a summer skirt
Buy 2 tops to go with the jeans/pants/skirt
Buy a pair of trainers that will go with the jeans/pants

If you feel this is too much at once, at least try on these items and figure out your new size and what styles suit you.

Then browse on Vinted for bargains and purchase over a few weeks. Beware you won’t be able to return on Vinted, so you need to be very sure of your size and what suits you.

Primark prices are cheap, look around and find better quality items that suit you. I have gotten some nice tops and long skirts there over the years. Not everything there is for teenagers….
The advantage is you can return if you change your mind, so long not worn and tags still attached.

Go on! You deserve it. Make yourself a priority. You really cannot go around wearing clothes many sizes too big for you.

Also congrats and well done on the weight loss!!

No, I don’t mean that at all - and I think you know that.

I mean that OP deserves a partner who meets her needs of feeling good and feeling valued. Those needs obviously aren’t being met, as she says she feels she needs to shrink herself more and more, and that she is seen as someone who cooks and cleans but hear appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter. That is really bloody sad to read.

Your partner should lift you up and support you, not make you feel like you want to shrink yourself!!

@centsandcentsilbilty would you consider therapy? I think that might be helpful. Do take your time to find the right therapist for you, who makes you feel comfortable and able to confide in them. Sorry if this has already been mentioned - I haven’t read the full thread.

What do you do that there is no option of more hours? Is there nothing remotely related or using similar skills & experience?

Or is that you've hung on to some odd thing that pays better per hour for very few hours & don't want to accept starting again on minimum wage to open the door to better?

Should have added, if money is no problem, M&S much better than Primark!!

But at least start buying for yourself.

You are not being unreasonable to feel this way but you would be unreasonable to blame anyone else. You need to speak up and assert yourself. You may, like me, be someone who enjoys giving gifts and seeing loved ones get nice things, part of caring. Your husband is unlikely to be the same. You need to tell yourself that you deserve clothes which fit you and a haircut. You need to change how you behave the next time you are shopping, say you are off for a mooch round the ladies bit. Have a browse, pick up things you like, try them on. If you like them buy them.
If he suggests you shouldn’t buy them, ask why not and see where that conversation goes. If he actually refuses the purchase you have a bigger problem.
If he just doesn’t say anything then maybe point out later that a little bit of interest and encouragement would be nice.
If he is all for you making the purchases then you will be sure that you have been needlessly depriving yourself.
In case you have to get into a discussion some useful arguments are
-that over the years you have helped him shop and shop at a higher price point
-that if you wear more of your clothes and each garment more often then you get a more efficient cost per wear
-that unworn garments are money poured away
-that if he has so many clothes he may not know what he actually has
-that over the years you have not been high maintenance and you aren’t asking for anything unreasonable
I do love a bargain and will wait till be favourite companies have money off weekends or sales but it I need clothes to replace things which no longer fit then I will pay full price but not at anywhere much more expensive than fatface or Seasalt.
Can you tell that I have been there?

I think you need to start work on rebuilding yourself as an independent person. If your current employer can’t offer more hours, maybe look at other jobs? Enrol on some courses If necessary. Start to view yourself as an equal to your husband. Feeling guilty about buying a box dye, is sad and a bit silly. If you need to use a bra fitting, go ahead and do it! You don’t need anyone’s permission.

How can he do anything to change things? Surely it is up to you to buy your clothes, have your hair done, etc. People take you at your own estimation of yourself. Only you can change that. Find ways to boost your self-esteem, and the rest should folllow.💐