AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

It’s hard to say what’s happening here without seeing it play out.

It might be that you have internalised the frugality of all those early years trying to make ends meet, and that all the spending guilt is in you. When you said that the item wasn’t on sale, were you waiting for your husband to tell you it was okay to buy? To kind of give permission or encouragement? He might not have realised that.

It might be, however, that your husband is discouraging your spending. You don’t say this is happening, however.

You say you’ve spoken about the issue with your husband but nothing changes. Are you waiting for him to do or say something? He’s probably waiting for you to go ahead and spend.

i think perhaps you do a monthly budget, and you including in it ‘£X each for spending/ clothes/whatever’, then you have cash you know is put aside for your own stuff.

This is a you issue.

I get it though. My daughter is 3, until I had her I had no issues going in a shopping spree for myself. Now I do struggle. I also just work part time, my wage covers 2 thirds of the bills and husband pays rest. He gives me money as I need/want it. (Self employed so we only take out what we need rather than a set wage). He recently gave me £300 to go out to with my girl friends to get new clothes. I’ve lost weight and don’t have much that fits. I bought a couple of bits for me, but got stuff for my daughter that she didn’t really need and some aftershave for my husband. When I got home he was like why!!!!

If you want to buy something, buy it. It’s not your husband’s responsibility to make you feel better about spending money on yourself.

This!!! Just do it. It will open their eyes and they’ll see you as you used to be. They probably think you aren’t bothered with the same old hair and clothes day in and day out. Just make a hair appointment and go. Trust the hairdresser. Once you’ve made that change, you will want to go shopping and switch up your wardrobe more than ever. Just do it and enjoy every minute. To quote a well-known ad, you are worth it!

Buy new bra & under wear, it will make you feel better.

Get your hair cut, it will make you feel better.

You earn PT & obviuosly contribute to the running of the household

Go shopping without your family

She had access to money, full access to a joint account.

I work & my DH works, and working out finances with him is an unmitigated nightmare.

The OP’s DH sounds like a dream in comparison, he literally told her to work away.

It’s not always as black & white as money equals power and if it was one wonders why anyone would be a SAHM.

It sounds like you've lost all confidence in yourself. If you go out shopping with your husband just go look in the Womens section while he browses in the Mens & if you see something you like buy it. Little things like this will help you build up your self esteem & get you back to loving yourself & feeling good about yourself. You deserve it just as much as your husband & kids. It's easy to lose yourself when you have kids & even harder to remember who you were before kids as they get older & don't need you as much. You get so used to putting them first & yourself second. Treat yourself when you feel a little down. Doesn't have to be a big spend just something small like a new lipstick or perfume or even just a bar of chocolate. Just something for you without the guilty feelings of spending on yourself. Book an appointment for a hair cut & colour. You'll be amazed at how good it'll make you feel & will be a great pick me up. Then go buy a new pair of jeans & new underwear, a good fitting bra always feels special. Speak to your Husband about how you're feeling & hopefully he'll reassure you.

Have you sat down and worked out how much is spent on (for example) husbands clothes that it sounds like he doesn’t need if he’s still got tags on things?
I would do a full workout of finances. Add it up what’s unnecessary for others. Then say at the start of next month, I’m spending the (eg £300) on clothes for me/hair cut whatever, You guys don’t need anything this month…take the money out of the account and spend it only on yourself. Take control. Your contribution has been bringing up the children and home. Money isn’t the only contribution to make.

Okay, if you could wave a magic wand what is the outcome you would like?

New clothes and a hair dresser appointment? Him to act interested in this?
Your confidence back?
a monthly allowance?
a full time job so you can buy whatever you like?

sometimes you can overthink things, you can worry about this this go get your hair, nails and outfits and not be that fussed after all or that you wish you’d just done it sooner, the sooner you crack on and do things that are bothering you the sooner you realise that maybe you want other things, fancy starting a new hobby? Or doing a hobby with your husband? Or going new places with him? See your friends more? Etc etc I’m sure if you say I need £1000 for a new wardrobe and a spa day and the hair dressers - he will let you and if he doesn’t sell his clothes with the new tags on on Vinted and use that money instead! Joking! Or save up your part time job money xxx