AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

I don't think you have to rush out and find a full time job. The fact is you took a large chunk of the best years of your life to be a SHAM and missed out on career progression, etc. It probably will be difficult to get a reasonably paid full time job ? I'd maybe look for a higher paying part time job or stick with what you have because I'm guessing you still run the household/cook/clean without a lot of input from your husband and I'd you're a full time job, you'd still probably have to do it all. Would you husband be prepared to take on half of all that if you were working full time ?

Aside from buying yourself clothes that fit and going to the hairdresser, find yourself a hobby, something just for you whether it's an art class, an exercise class but do something, just for you.

Well done on the weight loss, enjoy it and enjoy shopping for a wardrobe or clothes that you love instead of buying something because it fits.

Really?

what would your DH do in those circumstances?!

If it was my reluctance/fear of spending I know without a doubt mine would send me off with strict instructions to spend X amount/come home with three outfits.

or give me a gift voucher that I couldn’t not spend /spend on family stuff

or buy me clothes himself.

he absolutely would not be dragging me round a department store buying designer gear for himself whilst I was wearing clothes that were 5 times to big held up by a belt.

that’s absolutely shocking behaviour!

Genuine question why should your husband change it, do you want him to go out and buy your clothes?

I certainly wouldn’t want my DH or even my friends buying my clothes. I don’t think they would make a bad attempt but it’s nicer to buy my own.
Just take yourself off for an afternoon around the shops and try on lots of things and see what you like.

Imagine if the husband was INSISTING she booked her haircut
He would be abusive for trying to change her or make her feel bad for her natural hair or whatever the usual brigade come up with.

You have to take responsibility for yourself at some point

It sounds like you’re being a martyr! When you go shopping, he can go to the men’s bit and you go and choose stuff for you and then go to the till
together?

Unless there’s a drip feed where he refuses to let you buy anything!?

how old are your kids? Can you up your hours and work more?

I'm going to recommend a book that I found very empowering. How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. Its very good at helping you figure out how you want you life to be, and how to take next steps to get it there.

I did the same as you when I moved in with then dp now dh. Because I wasn't earning I didn't feel I could spend. Out of interest what was your parents' attitude to money and spending?

And finally, go shopping by yourself. Nothing worse than going shopping with your DH or anyone else for that matter.

Never in 30 years has my DH come shopping with me, thank the Lord. Even when I was an SAHM.
SAHM does not mean helpless.

Whikst I sort of agree about adopting the self sacrificing persona, I don’t think working FT is the answer.

The answer is in making small steps and buying the stuff you need. In treating yourself tge way you treat your dh or your dcs.
Youre right thry don’t see it. Why should they? You’re doing it to yourself.
But working FT won’t change whether you are feeling ‘worthy’ enough or not. That’s an excuse, not a reason iyswim.

So start by buying the clothes you need. They don’t have to be on the sale rack either. But clearly, the ones you have don’t fit so tell your dh ‘since I’ve lost weight, most of the clothes I have don’t fit. I’m going to buy some new ones’.
Thats it.
Then do it. One thing at the time. One thing you REALLY like rather than ‘that will do and it’s cheap’.

How deserving/‘worthy’ peoole see you is often a reflection of how good and deserving you feel you are.

A decent partner who loves and cares for her would realise that her reluctance is born out of a lack of confidence/misplaced guilt that it is not her money and actively encourage her to ensure that as a minimum her basic needs are met.

This is the man who lives and cherishes her above all else not her bloody flatmate

Good grief, help meet her needs, you mean he has to buy her clothes and book her hair cuts??

Wow. Supportive of a person who is feeling very down and worthless.

Many couples agree that the family is happier and works better for everyone where one works part time out of the home or not at all. That is on the basis that the home parent is contributing at least equally in other ways. If that’s what’s agreed the home parent is certainly not taking advantage and should have equal access to all family money etc.

Frankly there are many careers where a part time working parent is a necessity in the absence of wider family / grandparent support unless you’re prepared to have day and night time external childcare.

If this is what’s agreed most sensible individuals will understand that it may be subsequently difficult or take a while for the home partner to pick up a full time high earning role once the children are older. That needs to be built into the calculation.

what am I reading 😂

But in this case - as the OP has described - it means a loss of confidence.

and her family - again as described in her OP - do go shopping together.

so in those circumstances it would not be unreasonable for her DH to show a bit of love and consideration and ensure her needs are met.

You’re reading posts that are determined to make the man somehow at fault, whatever the mental twists and turns that requires

OP you need to re read @SlightlyAjar post again as it’s spot on! Stop looking for excuses or other people’s approval. Do a course and up skill, then you’ll have more chance of finding a job with better pay and more hours. You need to get your mojo back and yes that includes spending some money on yourself such as new clothes and a haircut. You can’t be wearing clothes that are 4 sizes too big after weight loss, that’s not good for your mental health. It’s time to invest in yourself now as you’ve put everyone else first for years.

Op, I’ll be honest, if my husband walked about in clothes several sizes too big, didn’t get his hair cut, had full access to money, I even went shopping with him , told him it wasn’t right, told him he had to get stuff and he then still didn’t and blamed me, whilst playing the martyr, I’d be furious.

How? Buy her clothes for her??

You've got access to money and you won't spend it, that's your issue. Not your husband's. Why are you looking for him to do everything for you? Even down to buying your clothes for you? You're a sahm not a child.
Why would you wear clothes 5 sizes too big, you can go to Sainsbury's and get a whole new wardrobe for £200. Buy a bra when you do the food shop. You don't need a big family shopping trip to a distant city.
If you really don't like spending your husband's money you need to get more of a job or start selling things.

You have full access to the money in the joint account and you say your husband doesn’t restrict your spending?

Short of going out and buying clothes for you, what do you actually want here.

Stop being a martyr and go buy some clothes.

I think you need to “claim” what you want. Your DH isn’t going to coax you into buying clothes or a haircut. If there is something you want - ask for it. Directly. It seems unfair that you are expecting him to take responsibility for your wants and needs. If he wants or needs something - he gets it! He probably assumes you would do the same. This feels like a self made prison. Set yourself free and book that haircut!

Okay, let's change your thinking.

You stayed at home to raise your joint children so you "saved" childcare costs, you "saved" non paid leave taken due to illness or medical appointments. You "saved" your DH from leaving work early to deal with the children which ensured he got promotions and wage rises. His career did not stagnate because you were there to deal. How much did he "save" because of that?

Once the children went to school I assumed you carried on doing the majority of the housework and laundry and shopping etc. That means you "saved" getting a cleaner in, or gardener, or afterschool clubs or holiday clubs. How much would it have cost your husband hourly to do half of what you did if you had gone back to ftw?

Now add up all those saved household costs. You are entitled to spend some of it on yourself.

As pp suggested, decide with DH on a set amount a month for you to spend on yourself. Ideally the same amount he spends on designer gear. You've earned it.

Edit
Pp made a valid point - are you/he paying your NI stamps for your state pension? These stop once your last child reaches the age of 12 years. Go to gov.uk and check your status, don't rely on his pension.

What do you know about family finances? Perhaps if you had a total view it would reassure you that you can spend money. Also pension planning and savings do you know what the future holds?

Each spouse should have access to guilt free money. Start looking at the joint income and see what's possible. Your approach is quite child like but it requires you to decide to step up.

If you have access to the joint account and your husband is on board with you buying stuff, why aren't you? It sounds like you're waiting for your husband to do something About it? Why?
I was mostly a SAHP whilst my kids were small and now work a whole lot less than my husband.
But I do the majority of the housework/childcare whilst I'm not at work but he is.
Our money is joint - he earns way more cash than me, but I work bloody hard in the house, so feel absolutely no guilt in spending it.
Clothes 4/5 sizes too large must look ridiculous. Go shopping tomorrow. Book a haircut now.
You'll feel so much better.

You’re reading about a woman who at best has lost all confidence and doesn’t believe she’s worthy of a bra that fits and a pair of jeans that doesn’t fall down.

At worst your reading about a woman who is being financially abused and has been made to feel worthless.

Either you’ve led a charmed life and have never experienced or witnessed a lack of confidence in a relationship or your bar is on the floor and you think a DH buying designer gear whilst his wife feels unable to purchase underwear is ok.

either way coming on a post and ridiculing the advice being given to a woman who is struggling is shitty behaviour.