AIBU to feel overlooked while everyone else comes first financially?

[centsandcentsilbilty]

Will try to keep a long story short but no promises!

I have been married to a really great guy for over 20 years, have 3 children who are almost grown now.
I have mostly been a SAHM by mutual choice , something I am extremely grateful for having been able to do and have the support of my husband to do. We are comfortable but not rolling in it and I have always known I would have to make some sacrifices to allow my staying at home.
I work part time now, but don’t bring in enough money to make any meaningful contributions to the household, more like it allows for a few treats here and there.

For the past few years I have been feeling like I am ‘seen’ less and less, losing myself.
I realised when we go on a shopping trip ( we live in a smaller town so trips to the city are always a side quest to the shops) that I rarely get anything. We go to the men’s department and even though it is mentioned that I should look too, we always seem to gloss over any areas I might be interested in.
Recently I was shopping and did see something but mentioned that it wasn’t in the sale, so we moved on the the sale section where I didn’t like anything, meanwhile hubby is buying full price designer gear, when his wardrobe is full of nice clothes some still with tags.
I have also lost quite a bit of weight in the last year, but wearing the same clothes, so feeling crappy rather than good about it!
think I’ll fitting bras and jeans being held up with a belt because they are 4-5 sizes too big!
I would love to get my haircut but don’t feel confident enough to spend the money, even though it’s just a basic cut, haven’t coloured it in years and when I did it was box dye that O felt guilty about buying.
As time goes on I am feeling like I need to shrink myself more and more
I buy the bare minimum for myself do that my husband and children can have things but they don’t notice or care. It hurts that I seem to now just be someone who cooks and cleans but my appearance and confidence don’t seem to matter.
I have brought it up, to which my husband will say that it shouldn’t be that way etc but nothing actually changes.

writing it down, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’ve found myself and my self worth and confidence are telling me that it’s what I deserve.
I do love my husband and he is loving and caring in so many ways, he just seems blind to this, when I ask him how an outfit looks in the morning he says I look nice, but when I look in the mirror I see a sad sack of potatoes
but carry on as I’m told that that’s fine!
it’s hard when he’s walking out looking sharp for work!
aibu to feel this way?

This is a you problem. I don't mean that unkindly, I had/have a similar mindset that it's indulgent and frivolous to spend on myself though my husband and kids have no such qualms. I'm actually the main earner too, so that's not the issue. It's something really ingrained, I think from my own parents - my mum is a total martyr and my dad is a tight arsed git lol.

It sounds like you have access to funds and your husband has already told you he doesn't have a problem with it. So just start buying some things for yourself. Repeat to yourself "I deserve nice things too". I can't promise it will come naturally, it still doesn't to me, but at least you'll have bras and jeans that fit nicely.

As for the shopping dynamic, people will tend to gravitate to looking at what they are interested in. Don't wait for them to say "oh shall we go and look at ladies' bras" because they won't. You need to say "I need to get some bras and look for holiday clothes so I'm going to this section, shall I meet you back here in half an hour" or whatever. Tell don't ask! They probably won't bat an eyelid.

Please stop thinking you don't deserve new clothes because you don't earn enough to cover groceries WTF! Your work as a SAHM and homemaker has provided a wealth of non cash benefit to your family. You might feel unappreciated (so do I at times) but dont stand around waiting to be appreciated- hold your head high and know how valuable a human being you are!

You put so little worth into being a SAHP that you won't spend joint money on yourself.

You are a family, he is working, but you are working too, raising your children, facilitating him being able to work by providing childcare, you keep the house nice, sort the cooking and shopping and do all the child related stuff I bet.

So start seeing yourself as a worthy human!!

Book a hair appointment for a nice cut and colour, then go and buy some nice clothes.

You are not a scullery maid, so dont act like one.

You are a wife, a mother and a woman

Imagine being with someone so meek.
I couldn’t do it.

If you’re a person who thinks you should come last because others matter more well..,
what kind of example are you setting your kids? Do you have any daughters? Do you really want them to think a woman who has brought them up making financial sacrifices to do so is worthless and can never have anything nice for herself?

if you’re constitutionally unable to put yourself first ever, then reframe it. You want better for your kids than a down at heel bedraggled looking mum. And your husband can only benefit from a good looking confident woman on his arm.

Finally stop being a martyr. Someone had look after the kids and do the lions share at home - that was and is valuable. Do your kids a favour by modelling to them that you and your role have value.

It depends whether you have access to the family money? If you do yabu and should go and get some clothes that fit and if you don’t then Yanbu and your dh needs to make sure you don

Perhaps you could tally up what it would have cost your family if you had not stayed home.

start with a nanny for 45 hours per week, then add in a cleaner once per week (twice if all 3 children were home at the same time), and some sort of PA to cover the life admin.

you saved your family all that money by staying at home, so I think you should think of that when you are feeling low about money.

i think you should consider some volunteer work. Get your confidence up, meet new people, try new skills out. Might do wonders for your outlook ☺️

I have to agree with this. It was perfectly fine to be a SAHM but at some point it became unnecessary, even if you only worked school hours. Of course it’s fine not to work if it’s a mutual decision. But inside I think you know that you haven’t contributed financially over the years so don’t feel confident in spending now. Your situation is on you because you need to be more assertive and just start buying what you need as this is how your situation has been agreed between you both. It sounds like you’re waiting for him to ‘bend your arm’ into buying something because in your head that will feel justified.

I actually disagree that this is entirely a you problem.

there’s not a chance in hell that in your circumstances my DH would not insist that I bought something for myself and the fact that your DH has not, even though it must be painfully obvious that you’re in need of new clothes doesn’t fill me with confidence that he’s not gate keeping.

in your circumstances I think I’d say “I need to buy some new clothes so I’m going to go shopping in Saturday, I don’t want to leave us short for anything so how much can I spend”.

how he responds will tell you everything you need to know.

It’s reaching a fair bit to make out he’s at fault for not insisting!

What about YOURSELF? You keep talking about your husbands opinions. Your husband never pressured you? No, but perhaps you should put some pressure on yourself? Take responsibility. Stop making stupid excuses like a doormat they all eventually will get tired of because you are invisible. Wake up. Get a haircut and get a job. Any job. Just do it.

Why dont you use your extra time to study, learn a skill or something you would enjoy working in (and there are jobs). There are plenty of courses you can do online if youre not near to anything. But going to a campus is great for meeting people. That would help a lot with your self esteem. I know several people who have done various types of counselling courses in their later years, or gone into natural healthcare. You dont need the money, and there is enormous freedom in that. So pick something you love, and often money follows because your passion for it shines through.

And just start doing the thing. Book a haircut and some highlights too if youd like that. Buy the clothes you like. Order a pile of stuff (including bras ect) online try it all on and send back what you dont like. M&S have some nice summer bits this year. Once you start looking after yourself, you might find others 'see' you more too. And come back here if you do get pushback from DH, as thats a whole other problem. But at this stage from what youve said doesnt sound like an issue. What an exciting adventure youre about to begin.

Yes I actually agree with the above. Your husbands reaction will be very telling. He may be a good man who just takes you for granted - alternatively, but hopefully not, he’s a selfish misogynist pig.

But it’s much harder to ignore or take advantage of a confident women who knows her self worth.

I’m afraid some responses on here have been quite harsh ignoring how ground down people can get by life and circumstances. I think most of us though are realty rooting for you and your happiness.

While he's been providing the money you have been raising the children and looking after the house, he is right you are a team and you have a perfect right to spend money on yourself and he's not stopping you. Bin all the too big clothes and go on a shopping trip, don't go mad but buy yourself some nice things, and get your hair done. You got into a habit when you were younger and probably funds were tight, those days are gone.

Consider care. I work in care (supporting adults with learning disabilities) and I love it.
I've been looking for extra work and there are loads of care jobs advertised (if not a lot else).

Don't give up your current job if you like it, look for something additional to that.

I think looking to your husband as either the cause or the solution of how you are feeling is misplaced. Earn more money, spend some of it on yourself.

If your kids are almost grown and this is how you feel you need to work full time again. They can’t read minds and know that you want to buy more clothes or get a hair cut but won’t. This is a you problem I’m afraid.

Why are you being such a martyr? For goodness sake go out, buy yourself some decent bras and clothes and get a proper haircut.

His money is your money, doesn’t sound like he disagrees. I was like that for a while but looking back I should’ve seen my contribution as equal therefore my spending rights equal. Snap out of it, take some money, get yourself a haircut and a trip to town on your own for clothes. Life’s too short ffs

Start by getting properly fitted bras this week. Any other new clothes won't look good otherwise. Then go shopping with a friend, so they can fetch different sizes without you leaving the changing room. Maybe just start with new jeans, something you know you will wear a lot. Little steps, you are worth this but if you don't act like it nobody else will. If there's less money for DH's wardrobe he'll have to wear something he already owns.

You seem to be blaming your husband and saying things don’t change but you’ve full access to money and doing it to yourself. You surely don’t want him to go And buy you clothes, or come with you to the hairdressers,

so if you want these things go and get them, you’ve the ability and stop blaming your husband for your own behaviour,

He’s a better person than I. If I had grown up kids and a partner who still didn’t work or worked very little I wouldn’t be sharing my money or buying them clothes and hair appointments. I’d tell them it’s high time to get a proper job and pay for themselves. Like a PP I don’t understand why women do this to themselves.

Does he not give you enough money? This is the problem.....what happens if he suddenly dies, does he have a will? My husband just made a will, not much to leave me, humble chap but whatever

Don't you keep some of your salary for yourself?

It doesn't sound like your husband is stopping you spending the money?

Start of buying a few bits for yourself and relearn that it is ok to buy not just essentials but things you want as well

What’s her husband done wrong, he’s given her full access ri money, agrees with her. It’s on her to actually buy clothes or get her hair done she’s not a child. He doesn’t need to do it for her.

First thing that jumps out at me: your husband does not sound like a really great guy, given you feel this way. At a BARE MINIMUM, he should be noticing and helping meet your needs - just as you do for him and your children.

And my husband and I book our own haircuts - surely it's on you to sort a haircut if you want one?