AIBU to feel upset that DH says nursery does not matter?

[Hatty123]

So… is it fair to be a bit upset with DH… he says I am overreacting in speaking with him about it and feeling disappointed and a bit upset.
Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept - I’m So thrilled for him! He is so ready and will just love it. I did all the research re nurseries, did the online application and made the phone calls to see where he was on the waiting list etc.
We heard about the upcoming parent / child day to meet the teacher and the other kids/parents. I think it’ll be lovely to see the setting, speak with the teacher and get a sense of the place properly. Also it will be super for our little boy to see where he will be going. He is excited and already telling me about how he is going to make new friends!
I told hubby the date for this and unfortunately he is on a work away day and won’t be able to make it. I suggested that maybe I could ask the teacher if he could make an appointment to meet her for 15 mins and see the nursery. He just shrugged and said “Well I guess if she’s happy to I could do that.”

I guess / hope that part of his not being fussed about finding out more or actually seeing the nursery could be that he trusts me judgement. That is lovely of course. I’d just like him to be involved in the process in even some small way and to Want to be. It’s our 3rd child and this is a different nursery to where the bigger 2 kids went. Maybe he has fatigue but he definitely was more invested with the older 2 and went to the nursery ahead of them going etc to see it and meet the teachers.

I said “Are you not interested to see where X will be going every day Mon-Fri in Sept?”
He said pretty curtly, “ It’s not important. It’s only one year!”
It really disappointed me. I told him that I can’t make him care but I am disappointed. Our child will be there Monday-Friday for 40 weeks of his young life. He is excited and I for one am on board to get excited with him for this new adventure. DH says he cares and I am being unfair. No apology.

I explained how him saying that it “doesn’t matter” also minimises all the time and thought I put into getting the application in etc, like I needn’t have bothered. No apology, just silence after briefly trying to turn it around on me and getting a bit angry with me for being “really unfair”. That made me feel a little bit gaslit tbh. I don’t know. He seems determined to maintain that he is being very unfairly treated and I have no right to be disappointed.

I’ll be the one dropping him off every day, it’s a bit out of my way in the mornings on days I am working but I just think he’ll get so much learning and social benefit from it. Is it “just one year” and “not matter”? Or Am I being unreasonable?

Mmm I can see both sides … you seem a bit over excited about it and he seems disinterested . Somewhere in the middle would be best!

His comment was dismissive. But you're being ridiculous, it just nursery, most children go to nursery, it's not that deep.
It's nice to be interested and engaged but your reaction is a bit over the top.

It is important, but does he need to go? My dp left all of this stuff to me and trusted my judgement. I was more than happy with this, just to add.

Honestly I kind of see his point. He obviously trusts you that you will have made a good choice.

edited, sorry I do think nursery matters but I don’t think he needs to see it. I think you’ve done a great thing putting the effort into finding the best place for your ds.

I think you are being over the top.

Your DC needs to look forward to it without being too apprehensive but no pressure so they don't get nervous etc.

Calm down.

it sounds to me like you were picking a fight after what you said. He just reacted. In life we have to choose our fights and this is most def not one of them.

He’s a father of 3 and knows you looked into it thoroughly. He isn’t U not to want to visit the nursery.

His remark was flippant and varies from your view, and rude since you put time and work in to benefit your DC.

If he’s slack as a parent towards DC3, not doing his fair share of parenting (including ‘mental load’ and parenting on weekdays etc) for DC3 and/or all the DC those are wider problems.

Nursery is a wonderful year (I’m biased as I work in a school nursery) the children make so much progress it’s wonderful to see them blossom. Just wait for the first nativity play! I think we should start providing tissues as it’s always a tear jerker! However on the stay and play days we rarely get both parents attending and dare I say it but it’s usually mums. It’s sounds like your husband trusts that you’ve made the right decision.

I think this is something very important to you and you’re perhaps a bit over-fixated on it. My DH couldn’t make the nursery tour due to work, but we are a team and he trusted that I was happy with it and therefore so was he.

Most kids go to nursery, of course the setting is important, but it’s just a normal progression of childhood and this is the third time round.

Do you get this fixated things general? If my husband came across to me like to me you come across in your op i would act the way your op did

DS is such a sociable wee chap and so keen to be a “big boy”, I’m just delighted for him as he looked like he wasn’t going to get a place anywhere for Sept. I just had the phone call from the nursery 2 days ago to say he has a place. It’s a big relief as I do think he is ready to go and will enjoy it. It has been a bit of a juggle trying to get him into a session time and nursery that both myself and the childminder (on the days he will be with her while I’m at work) can pick up from. I manage all the day to day stuff with the kids I guess, I let him know if there’s something special happening and he either makes it along or assumes that I’ll go and he misses it. I just feel a bit sad that he was interested in where the older children went and doesn’t seem to want to know much about where our 3rd is going. Feel a bit sad for DS even though he is none the wiser!

You're overthinking it. Nursery just needs to be somewhere he is safe and happy. DH trusts you to ensure the Nursery will provide that. I sorted out Nursery for my DC, I'd worked in childcare so felt I was best placed to do it. If it wasn't for that, I'd have been happy for DH to sort it all out and wouldn't be bothered about meet the teacher days. I certainly wouldn't be expecting the staff to do a second day to accommodate my working pattern if DH was able to attend the scheduled day.

As an add on please don’t expect nursery to facilitate another meet and greet with your husband! They most likely would be it’s an absolute nightmare trying to find time in what is one for the busiest half terms of the year when they’re trying to give this years children the final push to succeed and trying to prepare for next years children as well as school trips, end of year data, summer fairs, stay and play sessions………..

I wouldn't have expected my husband to take time off work to view a nursery that I'd already made a decision on and put an application in to.

You've already made the decision. What input could you possibly need at that stage?

This is definitely not a 2 parent activity for a third child. First child possibly!

Ok I will take this all on board and just leave it. Hey ho… I’m just relieved that DS got a place anywhere, as it really wasn’t a sure thing. Just want him to have formative years where he is happy and encouraged. He is excited to go to nursery and has chatted with me about it over the last couple of days saying “I’ll make new friends!” Which is so sweet. DH hasn’t mentioned it to him yet but it’s very early days so hopefully he will chat with him about it and encourage him as we get closer to September. Maybe I’ll be able to get him along to the Nativity 😂

Are you always this intense? It sounds exhausting to live with.

I’m with you OP, I would find his disinterest baffling and deeply disappointing. I think it’s normal when you have very young children for them and their development to be the most important thing in the world to you. They aren’t little for long. I consider myself a well rounded person, I have a career and many intense interests in life, but I was unashamedly obsessed with my children when they were small and I would have struggled to understand or respect DH if he hadn’t felt the same.

I don’t think I’m generally intense. I’m very pragmatic and I care about the lives and day to day happiness of our kids. This comment wasn’t terribly kind or helpful. But thank you for taking the time nonetheless. Have a lovely Sunday ☺️

The issue for me is that he has burdened you with all the work of sourcing a suitable nursery including the safeguarding understanding. Whether he is there for a year or more is irrelevant, who is looking after your child is important and both parents are responsible for that.

He sounds both ignorant and neglectful in playing an active role in his sons life.

What will you do if your husband doesn't like the teacher or the nursery? Will you take his view into consideration and look for somewhere else?

He's right in a way thinking what's the point in him having to put the staff out by accommodating a visit from him if you've already been to see it.

If you and your DS were over the moon with the nursery and loved it and your DH didn't, are you really going to listen to him and find a different one?

Doesn't sound like it tbh.

I’m not absolutely sure that my husband ever set foot in my children nursery..
This was well over 30 years ago mind you, I stayed at home with the kids, he went to work. I was very lucky to be able to do this I think.

This is your third child.....you'd have thought the novelty would wear off!

YABU, which you have half accepted. Why does he need to see it separately? I didn't see my child's nursery apart from 2 drop offs ever. It was fine.

It is important, it’s pretty essential for them, and if both parents are working both parents need to do parenting, where is your dhs parenting? Mine does all the pick ups and gets dinner on.

In what way are you 'gaslit'?