AIBU to feel upset that DH says nursery does not matter?

[Hatty123]

So… is it fair to be a bit upset with DH… he says I am overreacting in speaking with him about it and feeling disappointed and a bit upset.
Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept - I’m So thrilled for him! He is so ready and will just love it. I did all the research re nurseries, did the online application and made the phone calls to see where he was on the waiting list etc.
We heard about the upcoming parent / child day to meet the teacher and the other kids/parents. I think it’ll be lovely to see the setting, speak with the teacher and get a sense of the place properly. Also it will be super for our little boy to see where he will be going. He is excited and already telling me about how he is going to make new friends!
I told hubby the date for this and unfortunately he is on a work away day and won’t be able to make it. I suggested that maybe I could ask the teacher if he could make an appointment to meet her for 15 mins and see the nursery. He just shrugged and said “Well I guess if she’s happy to I could do that.”

I guess / hope that part of his not being fussed about finding out more or actually seeing the nursery could be that he trusts me judgement. That is lovely of course. I’d just like him to be involved in the process in even some small way and to Want to be. It’s our 3rd child and this is a different nursery to where the bigger 2 kids went. Maybe he has fatigue but he definitely was more invested with the older 2 and went to the nursery ahead of them going etc to see it and meet the teachers.

I said “Are you not interested to see where X will be going every day Mon-Fri in Sept?”
He said pretty curtly, “ It’s not important. It’s only one year!”
It really disappointed me. I told him that I can’t make him care but I am disappointed. Our child will be there Monday-Friday for 40 weeks of his young life. He is excited and I for one am on board to get excited with him for this new adventure. DH says he cares and I am being unfair. No apology.

I explained how him saying that it “doesn’t matter” also minimises all the time and thought I put into getting the application in etc, like I needn’t have bothered. No apology, just silence after briefly trying to turn it around on me and getting a bit angry with me for being “really unfair”. That made me feel a little bit gaslit tbh. I don’t know. He seems determined to maintain that he is being very unfairly treated and I have no right to be disappointed.

I’ll be the one dropping him off every day, it’s a bit out of my way in the mornings on days I am working but I just think he’ll get so much learning and social benefit from it. Is it “just one year” and “not matter”? Or Am I being unreasonable?

You sound so over-invested, it's probably a good thing your husband is a bit too laid-back. Imagine your poor kid if you BOTH were over-excited.

He might even be more enthusiastic if you were more reasonable.

Yes it’s good that he’s got into nursery and he is excited. It does not need this amount of excitement and energy and unless you want DS to ask “is it time for nursery yet?” every day until September, you need to tone it down.
I’m an early years educator and I am Team DH. One parent going to see the nursery and meet the teachers is enough, especially when it’s going to be you doing pick ups and drop offs. And in the grand scheme of things, he’s right, it is only a year. My DD is going into her preschool year in August and we got word she got a full time space in the school nursery (is currently splitting her hours between 2 nurseries) and we’re happy about it because it is the one she likes the best and makes it easier for her to only be at one setting. But I am not gushing about how amazing it is for her and how excited we all are and raging at my DH for not being bothered.

I have literally spoken happily about it 3 times in his presence. I sent a screenshot to my mum with a thumbs up and let the childminder know as she needs to plan her time. Then I just internally feel happy to have an idea of the plan for next term as I have 3 kids in 3 different school settings so I wanted to reassure myself that I could do the drop offs and picks ups whilst working it all around my work. Is that “over-invested”? Is that “over-excited”? Is that “unreasonable”? Or are you just enjoying (for some reason that I couldn’t fathom?) having a go at another mum who is happy that her little child got a place in a preschool when I looked very unlikely that he would? I had accepted and assumed he Wouldn’t get a place so this was a nice surprise. He’ll enjoy it and I’m happy for him.

That’s great for your daughter - hopefully she will have a very happy year and thrive in the new setting. Everyone expresses themselves in a different way, and perhaps the lead up to your daughter getting a place was a bit different but we really didn’t think he would get a place Anywhere. The fact that he did, it’s a funded place and it’s at times that I can work on my own for 90% of the drop offs and pick ups is such a relief. With 3 kids in Sept in 3 different settings it means a lot to me to have this certainly. With my DS in mind I am just so pleased that he got a place in the end (when it wasn’t expected) as I know he is ready with his social and academic skills right now. I know he will enjoy it. With my older 2 I was concerned they weren’t ready but he is a very different little person.
Where did I say I was “raging” at DH? I know for a fact that I haven’t used that word so I have no idea why you are twisting it. Does that give you some kind of pleasure, to put down another mum? I have consistently said that I am “disappointed” as I really thought he would be as interested in our youngest going to preschool as he was with the elder 2. He has moved up the corporate ladder since our second child was at this stage and he has been very invested in our eldest getting into one of the “top schools”, rated no.1 for our country in a national survey… his focus just isn’t on our youngest which I understand but I thought when I brought the info into his orbit he might be like “Ah super, what’s the info with this nursery- will it work well for him do you think?” Or “Can you go and bring me back the info? Looking forward to hearing about it. It’ll be nice for DS to go.”
Zero interest - “it doesn’t matter” is literally what he said. So I am a bit disappointed.

re DS being excited - his childminder chats with him about starting school and nursery too, he sees his siblings and already asks “Can I get a blazer too??” It’s no bad thing to chat about it once or twice a week, I know my child and I know that this is a good gentle way to prepare him for the change - a big change for him. So you telling me to “tone it down” is a bit unkind.

You have now mentioned your husband's reactions and actions so much, I do have to ask

was this 3rd child planned and wanted

by both of you

I work in this area and it's often one parent only for a visit. Honestly I don't see that he did anything wrong. He genuinely couldn't make it. I suspect the dismissive comment was in reaction to you making a big deal out of his absence.

I think you’re starting an argument for the sake of it.

I think as you’ve acknowledged, you’re being over the top. We viewed our nursery once when I was pregnant, next time we went in was when ours started at 10 months. Maybe it’s different when they start older like yours does, and you arent working. Your husband has other priorities and trusts your judgment - sounds like his opinion wouldnt count for much anyway

It is.just nursery. I say this as someone who worked in a nursery for ten years.

It's great you've got a fab place , but your husband really doesn't need to meet the teachers. I always felt it was a bit OTT when both parents rocked up for nursery parents' evening.

OP, I've read all your posts. What concerns me is not the nursery issue, it's the way your DH seems to view you, as the one who earns less and the default parent.

I know you also say though that you normally bubble along well together and pull in the right direction, so it's far from a case of needing to say LTB.

But, it doesn't hurt to make sure that you keep at least one eye out for yourself. When you can' even if it's once the youngest goes to school, I'd be looking at picking up at least a few more work hours and more importantly, making sure that your own pension is sorted. While you've spent some time away from work having babies and looking after them, has your DH made sure with his higher wage, made sure that your National Insurance contributions have been paid?

These are actually important things for all women, regardless of any issues. It's always good to be sure that your own finances are sorted out. pension covered and some savings or money of your own, just in case things change. If the relationship stands the test of time, these things will be a nice little bonus for you both in retirement.

Yep. Very much so. We had multiple miscarriages trying to have him and DH was at all the appointments etc just like with the other 2 kids. I think he has a lot more responsibility in work now, maybe what has changed. The unwritten / unspoken agreement is that I hold everything together at home and with the kids… and he will pay for it. Which is fine most of the time…

He doesn't care about this aspect of parenting. You can't force him to by telling him you're disappointed and asking him to apologise. He feels what he feels. You need to either accept that and let it go if he does a good job in other respects, or if its part of a pattern, have a proper conversation about that pattern and what changes in behaviour you'd like to see. But you won't change his thoughts.

I work 25 hours per week but around the kids and do all the drop offs and pick ups. It can be a bit hectic. Partly working from home. I don’t work school holidays but don’t get paid for them so I always run out of money in my bank and need to ask DH for a few hundred to keep paying for kids’ activities, ice creams or whatever if we go out. And count down the days until I can get paid again!

I have a private pension which I haven’t really been in a position to increase my monthly contributions to over the last 11 years since dropping my hours when we had our first DC but I am proud of myself that I have managed to always pay it off in the month. My earnings are very low compared to his but he pays for everything in the house and I pay for most of the kids classes, their clothes & keeping myself dressed and tidy looking with Temu and vinted purchases mostly 😅 We have a nice life but he has occasionally held the £ side over me - if I’m upset about something getting ruined or broken he has said “I PAID for it!”
He just doesn’t like to be made to feel like he has acted badly. And really doesn’t like to apologise. He doesn’t really react if I cry or whatever on occasion. I hate arguments as it just gets turned around on me and I end up so confused and like I want to hide in a hole.

He told me this morning that he was annoyed that I’d ruined his evening last night by challenging his “it doesn’t matter” comment. He expected an apology. I did tell him that I know he does care about the kids but it wasn’t clear that he cared about what our youngest would be doing or where they’d be for the next 12 months - the “disinterest”. He didn’t accept it but made a bit of a fluff at an apology for “wording it badly”. So that will have to do.

He just relies on me to hold the house and the kids together if he has Anything else going on - work parties / drinks with clients (a few times a month) or if his parents are unwell he will just vanish for days on end as they “need him”. Which I respect but when it went on for a few months at one point I got so so tired - I was pregnant at that stage and exhausted. I have no other family support other than my DS’s childminder for when I work out of the house.

Everyone wants to feel like their efforts are appreciated. Maybe I need to appreciate him more too, and tell him so. It’s hard when you don’t get it back.

I’m with you op. My dh came to our kids open day, first day and so many days in between.
He also wanted to meet the teachers for himself to know who exactly will be with our kids and a big part of their day. When he interacts with our kids, he asks them ‘what did teacher X say/teach today’? My dc always loved having both parents involved in their world .
Your dh does seem uninvolved with your dc though which is sad.

Yeah. I can’t make him interested. Or appreciative. But I also can’t let it eat me up inside. I get one little trip away with friends in the year - I am looking forward to that, a little bit of time to just focus on me and not have anyone asking things of me (or being cross with me for expressing a feeling or another).
This thread has given me a bit of an emotional battering in places… I gather that most people wouldn’t care that their partner / father of their children showed no interest in things that affect their lives. Who knew that was a norm… I obviously expect too much of him. 😢

I think the real issue is that you’ve had to put all the legwork in for the wellbeing of your son, meanwhile he’s done nothing to help and it is now borderline insulting that he’s showing little interest.

To be honest OP, there are sadly a few red flags which you have raised. It doesn’t feel as though you are in an equal relationship? The fact that you have to ask him for money, he doesn’t like being challenged and makes comments like “ he paid “ for stuff. Hopefully I’m wrong, but it seems you are fully immersed in the wellbeing and raising of your children and your husband is being a bit arrogant ( I think) Or is it that you are expecting too much of him and his head is elsewhere with work? I don’t know.

Ha. I didn't say I wouldn't care. I said that if someone else doesn't care about a thing you can't make them.
If you're feeling this bad, then it sounds as though it is part if a pattern of behaviour that has you thinking he's not sufficiently involved as a parent and you are carrying more than your share. So I'd work on the behaviour.
Next time there's something to organise for the DC, even a small thing, get him to do it. That way he'll have to show some interest to get it done.

I don’t think being miffed that my DH viewed our child’s Preschool year as “not important and it’s only one year” is over the top tbh. I didn’t shout or scream, I had a think and felt a bit upset that he just wasn’t interested. I calmly spoke about it and there was an attempt by him to turn it around into a “I didn’t say that, you’re imagining things” type of situation but I held fast as I knew exactly what was said and the context. I don’t make it anything more than it was but I told him I was disappointed that he said what he said. He didn’t accept it whatsoever. I know he cares about our children, just not about our youngest early year’s education which I find a little bit sad. He doesn’t have to come to the open afternoon… but is it too much to ask for him to ask Anything about it, like Where it is? How many are in the classes? Can you bring me back any info they have at the open day and I’ll have a look? None of it. He doesn’t like to feel like he has acted in any way wrongly and will fight to turn it around. He rarely apologises and if he does it’s a qualified apology “I’m sorry if I worded it badly”.
I have always taken his opinion on board and to say that his “opinion wouldn’t count for much anyway” is really unfair. We nearly always go where HE wants to go on holiday, our children are at schools that HE is happy with (I have concerns about our middle child but he won’t entertain the idea of moving him), if HE doesn’t want something done in the house then it doesn’t happen as he is the one generally who would pay for it. Which I accept largely as generally we are pulling in the same direction and have very similar views on things. If he came to the Preschool open afternoon and raised serious misgivings… DC most likely wouldn’t be going.

Ps I am working? Not sure if you meant to say I wasn’t working, but I work 25 hours a week then rush like a lunatic to collect the kids and take them to classes / activities before rushing home to get dinner made before I work for another hour or 2 in the evening.

I might get him to organise the next birthday party but it would be a disaster! He gets very irritated if once a year I ask him to take the kids to their swimming lesson (I take them 50 weeks per year). But he works longer hours and keeps us financially in a great place so I feel I should just shut up and bottle my disappointment. And cry in the toilet every now and again when everyone is in bed. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're painting a more and more troubling picture OP. Your husband is completely hands off and holds finances over you. Horrible stuff. Perhaps have a slow read back over your OP and updates in the coming days and think about where he should be more supportive and present with his little family.

Eek @Hatty123

I said you were being a bit of a drama llama about the nursery visit but based on your recent posts it sounds like you may be over-sensitive about it because there are far bigger underlying issues in your relationship.

• He’s in control of the finances - you have to ASK him for money 😬
• He’s not topping up your pension while you’ve scaled back your work to care for your kids.
• It sounds like you and the kids come second to work - you’re just expected to work around his needs and make sure everything is taken care of at home.
• He decides where you holiday
• You’re expected to be responsible for everything in the house but he’s the ultimate decision maker.

It sounds like you’re pulling in the same direction so long as you just follow his direction. So many 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I’d be really upset if any of my friends or family ended up in a situation like this. Sorry.

No idea. He has a lot more responsibilities now in work as he is now one of the top tier bosses in the business. I looked into getting a 9-5 job at one stage as I have an oxbridge law degree and 2 masters degrees (before I met DH) but it’s too late now to try and pursue it and I couldn’t work out how to manage the kids with their pick ups and activities. Their lives are so much better (DH enthusiastically agrees actually) with me working PT and having the school holidays off. I am very present and supportive in their lives - I’m there for every play / Carol service / gala / concert etc
I do feel like life is a Trap sometimes but I love my children. I don’t think any better balance would be possible but I’m definitely not fulfilling my potential in terms of work or income… early 40s now and young children… too late!

OP, strikes me that you have to put up
with an awful lot, because HE pays for everything and wants things done HIS way. Are you genuinely happy with that arrangement?

My partner earns double what I do, I work 85% of full time. He takes our son to swimming every week, we take turns at cooking and bedtimes. I do more drop offs and pick ups but he does his share. I could list loads of things.

Paying for more stuff because he earns more is kind of the minimum he should be doing, as opposed to being something you should be so grateful for - earning more isn’t a get out card from contributing to parenting and running the house and it certainly doesn’t mean your partner is never allowed to complain or have a say in things.