AIBU to feel upset that DH says nursery does not matter?

[Hatty123]

So… is it fair to be a bit upset with DH… he says I am overreacting in speaking with him about it and feeling disappointed and a bit upset.
Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept - I’m So thrilled for him! He is so ready and will just love it. I did all the research re nurseries, did the online application and made the phone calls to see where he was on the waiting list etc.
We heard about the upcoming parent / child day to meet the teacher and the other kids/parents. I think it’ll be lovely to see the setting, speak with the teacher and get a sense of the place properly. Also it will be super for our little boy to see where he will be going. He is excited and already telling me about how he is going to make new friends!
I told hubby the date for this and unfortunately he is on a work away day and won’t be able to make it. I suggested that maybe I could ask the teacher if he could make an appointment to meet her for 15 mins and see the nursery. He just shrugged and said “Well I guess if she’s happy to I could do that.”

I guess / hope that part of his not being fussed about finding out more or actually seeing the nursery could be that he trusts me judgement. That is lovely of course. I’d just like him to be involved in the process in even some small way and to Want to be. It’s our 3rd child and this is a different nursery to where the bigger 2 kids went. Maybe he has fatigue but he definitely was more invested with the older 2 and went to the nursery ahead of them going etc to see it and meet the teachers.

I said “Are you not interested to see where X will be going every day Mon-Fri in Sept?”
He said pretty curtly, “ It’s not important. It’s only one year!”
It really disappointed me. I told him that I can’t make him care but I am disappointed. Our child will be there Monday-Friday for 40 weeks of his young life. He is excited and I for one am on board to get excited with him for this new adventure. DH says he cares and I am being unfair. No apology.

I explained how him saying that it “doesn’t matter” also minimises all the time and thought I put into getting the application in etc, like I needn’t have bothered. No apology, just silence after briefly trying to turn it around on me and getting a bit angry with me for being “really unfair”. That made me feel a little bit gaslit tbh. I don’t know. He seems determined to maintain that he is being very unfairly treated and I have no right to be disappointed.

I’ll be the one dropping him off every day, it’s a bit out of my way in the mornings on days I am working but I just think he’ll get so much learning and social benefit from it. Is it “just one year” and “not matter”? Or Am I being unreasonable?

This would absolutely be a one person job in my house. Life is busy, one parent is perfectly able to choose and visit a nursery.

Thank you so much for your message. It was so lovely to read. DS is the baby of the bunch and he is growing up, it is such a short time as you say. I do want to treasure it.
DH doesn’t even know what the nursery exterior looks like, what road it’s on, how many kids are in the class, what the times are (beyond me telling him it was the morning and I’ll be able to drop him after I do the other school run and before I go to work)… I guess I just feel a bit alone in this particular process. DH has previously been much more interested in this type of situation with our older kids, makes me a bit sad. Maybe he’s stressed in work. I know it’s not the end of the world and the sun will continue to rise!

Same scenario here.

If he was to develop strong feelings against the nursery I’d probably also have negative feelings as our world views generally align. We do normally “pull in the same direction”. Maybe why his ambivalence here has surprised me and I’m feeling a bit disappointed. Of course we would rethink DS going if one of us had strong feelings against it.

He’s not saying nursery isn’t important. He seems to be saying that it’s not that important for him to see the place when you’ve already applied and he is going anyway. I don’t think he is gaslighting you!

You’re not being gas lit. That’s not what it means.

I'm sure your DS will absolutely love nursery. Its such a lovely phase for them (and im sure Dad will make time for the nativity and little graduation ceremony of he did for the others)

You're acting like he's got a place at a prestigious University. He's going to nursery just like thousands of other children...chill out!

First post nails it!

Youve done a lot, put a lot of energy and time into getting your son a place there and thats clearly why this is such a relief and why you are so excited . He has definitely been very lacking in thought and care in how he has responded. He probably does care and trusts your judgement entirely but he got defensive and he didnt like the way what you said to him made him feel, (shame?) and so you were then at fault for making him feel like that. He wont be aware of this kind of analysis as its hard to be that self-aware. You wanted him to share in yours and your little boys excitement and he can't/doesnt want to. You are not being unfair. You just want him as a father to have an interest and be engaged in his sons future for the next year. You did the right thing telling him how it minimised your work. Hopefully even though his silence was a poor response in the moment, he will have gone away and reflected more, but i dont think theres any point pushing him to attend a visit. Leave it to him and if he doesnt, thats on him.

I think you felt gaslit because part of that involves invalidation and he didnt validate your feelings (he was suggesting your focus on this is silly, not important, only one year etc, taking your work for granted)

Ive only just come to notice similar dynamics in some of my interactions with others. Sadly i dont have a solution, but i can say to you, well done Hatty123, and i hope your little boy's year at nursery is magical and you will see how he is growing and learning every week.

It's over 3 months away, why are you getting DS excited now?

Yes: if your DC is ‘excited’ now it’s likely because you’ve hyped it up.

So maybe he just trusts your judgment so feels like he doesn’t need to take time off work to see the nursery himself?
It’s your 3rd child, he probably feels he’s been through this twice before and it’s been fine.
He’s not disinterested he’s just realistic.
There will probably be an occasion for him to visit nursery during the year , Christmas play, open morning etc

Ach who knows. I felt like it being turned around to me being told I was “wrong” and “very unfair” for mentioning it and he tried to say that it didn’t happen but I stuck to my guns as he often does that. I remembered his exact words so I just firmly told him that it DID happen and repeated his words. I only repeated his words and told him how they landed. I don’t add any interpretation of his words as he will take those and twist them into me being in the wrong - I know not to do that now. Like if I said “it’s obvious you meant X” then he would jump on it as evidence of me being unfair so I keep it factual.
His replies in these situations are often along the lines of:
“That never happened. You're making things up to create drama."
Or he says that he didn’t say what he said and tells me I’m just overreacting- there’s a bit of a history of this and making me to doubt my own memory.
Maybe that isn’t gaslighting. It feels Off when it happens.

He never goes to any of the Xmas plays. He has been to some Carol services though. It is just assumed that I’ll take the time off work and go as I’m paid less and I always have done. But yes he’ll probably cross the threshold of the nursery at least once across the 40 weeks!

He doesn't care because he knows you'll have done a good job. I think dad's care lesson general because there's rarely any question about whether they'll be looking after the kids instead. Whereas mums have to justify their decision to go to work by trying to choose the best place for their child. Ultimately he's being unfair both to you and the child to imply the setting doesn't matter.

I think most people don’t understand how incredibly beneficial preschool/nursery can be.

it’s a pity your DH didn’t say something more supportive like “you’ve obviously investigated it really throughly and I’m happy to follow your lead. Sorry, I just don’t have the time to chat with the teacher at the moment.”

Maybe he isn’t bothered.

Maybe he wasn’t bothered about your third.

That sucks. But I’d get used to it.

Barely making time for kids events is pretty disinterested. You would have known.

Suspect the chasm will widen.

Two things:

1. Given it’s already a done deal, there’s no need for him to take time off to visit as well. I agree you’re being a little drama llama here.
2. I’d be saving your annoyance for the fact it sounds like you do literally all the nursery related activities - how much you’re paid shouldn’t come into it unless you work part-time hours and are therefore more physically available.

' Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept '

no he didn't, it was you or his father that received the letter / phone call / email
so it's you that has told him.

' I’m So thrilled for him! '

why - thousands of children go to nursery / start nursery every Sept

where does he currently go - if you work

This. I was the only one to visit play school and school and decided which one was suitable. He wasn't really involved with the decision. Helped at primary school fairs and went to shows but that was about it.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and caring reply. I think much of what you said probably hits the nail squarely on the head. The dynamic in our relationship can be a little off kilter at times as he is 9 years older, has a very important and extremely well paid job (I work but earn much less - different industry and I work part time to allow me to do all the school drop offs and pick ups). I find it hard sometimes to stand up for myself when he gets defensive. He doesn’t like to admit he is wrong and rarely will apologise unless he is pushed to. Most of the time we bubble along happily and are pulling in the same direction.

This entirely.

Do you both work full-time?

ETA: I see you said you work part-time.

Going to nursery is a very normal mundane thing, your excitement and delight seems completely over the top. I would be a bit disappointed at my OH not being at all interested though.