AIBU to feel upset that DH says nursery does not matter?

[Hatty123]

So… is it fair to be a bit upset with DH… he says I am overreacting in speaking with him about it and feeling disappointed and a bit upset.
Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept - I’m So thrilled for him! He is so ready and will just love it. I did all the research re nurseries, did the online application and made the phone calls to see where he was on the waiting list etc.
We heard about the upcoming parent / child day to meet the teacher and the other kids/parents. I think it’ll be lovely to see the setting, speak with the teacher and get a sense of the place properly. Also it will be super for our little boy to see where he will be going. He is excited and already telling me about how he is going to make new friends!
I told hubby the date for this and unfortunately he is on a work away day and won’t be able to make it. I suggested that maybe I could ask the teacher if he could make an appointment to meet her for 15 mins and see the nursery. He just shrugged and said “Well I guess if she’s happy to I could do that.”

I guess / hope that part of his not being fussed about finding out more or actually seeing the nursery could be that he trusts me judgement. That is lovely of course. I’d just like him to be involved in the process in even some small way and to Want to be. It’s our 3rd child and this is a different nursery to where the bigger 2 kids went. Maybe he has fatigue but he definitely was more invested with the older 2 and went to the nursery ahead of them going etc to see it and meet the teachers.

I said “Are you not interested to see where X will be going every day Mon-Fri in Sept?”
He said pretty curtly, “ It’s not important. It’s only one year!”
It really disappointed me. I told him that I can’t make him care but I am disappointed. Our child will be there Monday-Friday for 40 weeks of his young life. He is excited and I for one am on board to get excited with him for this new adventure. DH says he cares and I am being unfair. No apology.

I explained how him saying that it “doesn’t matter” also minimises all the time and thought I put into getting the application in etc, like I needn’t have bothered. No apology, just silence after briefly trying to turn it around on me and getting a bit angry with me for being “really unfair”. That made me feel a little bit gaslit tbh. I don’t know. He seems determined to maintain that he is being very unfairly treated and I have no right to be disappointed.

I’ll be the one dropping him off every day, it’s a bit out of my way in the mornings on days I am working but I just think he’ll get so much learning and social benefit from it. Is it “just one year” and “not matter”? Or Am I being unreasonable?

Not sure what I can do about it. He does do most of the laundry too which is a great help. But when I do it he complains that he’d Rather do it as I don’t put the pegs on “the right way”! So I let him crack on. Most people seem to think I’m unreasonable for being disappointed in his lack of interest. I’m having a glass of pinot… seems the best way forward… while I cook dinner !

I'm sure he enthusiastically supports your working part-time to facilitate his hands off parenting.

Your kids dont need you at every single event in school and for their hobbies. Do please reflect on your own needs- present and future. Sounds like you're highly intelligent and qualified. Is it possible you're pouring all that mental energy into the kids to compensate for missing the stimulation of work?

Early 40s is nowhere close to too late to get your career back on track and youngest starting nursery may be a great moment to consider a change.

I hate arguing with him as it gets turned around so quickly into “I didn’t say that” “that’s not what I said, you’re imagining things” or “you’re overreacting and making a big deal of it”… definitely not seeking an argument but felt upset for myself and for my son. I feel my son deserves for his parents to at least take an interest in what’s going on in his day to day - even the odd question.
It took DH 2 years to realise that I was paying for music lessons for our older child - he just assumed (somehow?) they were free thing in the school and never asked anything about it, never went to any of the concerts… not sure he ever looked at the videos I sent him. Just an example… he just sees most of the day to day as not “important” enough to worry about but he will get very invested in bigger things like the move to secondary school. But Life happens in the day to day. It just makes me sad that he is even Less interested for DC3. He has more on in work these days.

But OP - it really doesn't matter. It's just nursery. It's nice for your son and it's great that the drop offs work for you but it truly does not matter. If your son had had to spend the next year dividing his time between you and the childminder it wouldn't have been a big deal.

Your husband trusts your judgement on this. He just can't bring himself to get worked up about it and honestly I'm on his side.

Yes but seeing as he IS going to this settling for 200 days over the next 12 months … would the average parent not be slightly interested in what it was like? Even ask the odd question about it? It’s incredibly hands off and I do appreciate the “trust” in me, I would like a bit more of a partner in these aspects from time to time. But that seems to be unreasonable so I’m on the pinot!

I agree with @Evaka
You and smart and well educated. Don’t let DH stop you fulfilling YOUR potential. It’s never too late, never.

This is your third child. I wouldn't expect the same level of interest. I'm sure it's not that he doesn't care at all. He's just not bothered in the finer details. It sounds like he would have gone to the parents' evening if he had been available but he isn't. That's pretty much normal. My partner works long hours and is a high earner; it's part for the course that some events get missed because of work obligations.

I think your level of excitement just seems really intense. It's just nursery. Naturally he's more interested in what schools your children go to. That actually is relevant.

So you are behind someone saying about their child’s Preschool year “It doesn’t matter!” That’s pretty sad. These are formative years and it is important to me that our children are encouraged and nurtured. 90% of the adult brain develops before age 5, and it is a crucial time for development in pretty much all directions. Crucify me for caring and taking an interest. I have mentioned in a handful of times to DH, mentioned to my best friend and my mum that he has a Preschool place - that’s it. If that’s too intense then so be it.

It makes me sad that apparently so many parents don’t care where their kids go or what they do… that seems to be the upshot on this thread from quite a few folk.

I just expected like base level interest, he couldn’t even muster that, in fact he did the opposite and snapped that it “didn’t matter!” It does disappoint me that he couldn’t even feign 2 mins of interest.

DH did make a point of doing a jigsaw with DS this afternoon, which he has never done with him Ever. He has done that with the older kids but not DC3. So I think my message may have landed on some level.

I’m also a bit on the fence because, yes, he does sound unnecessarily dismissive, and it does matter where your DS spends his days.

But equally you’re being a bit OTT about it. He’s right that it only needs one parent to view the nursery.

You seem to be setting great store in the idea of this "preschool year" and how important it is developmentally. Respectfully, for hundreds of years children were not going to nursery. It's nice that your child is going to nursery you're happy with and I'm sure he will enjoy it and benefit from it. It is not, however, crucial to his development. It really does not matter. Encouragement and nurturing are not obtained exclusively in a nursery setting.

If I were you I would move on from this issue now. You're happy with the nursery placement and so is your child. And your husband will no doubt be much more interested when you're selecting your child's actual schools.

Why is your post so dramatic?

it’s nursery. You seem overly invested, do you work or have a hobby besides the children?

your hubby no doubt works FT to pay the bills and its the 3rd child. Thanks for giving me a giggle anyway

Sad to read your husband has so little engagement with his child's life. He is also very stupid.. it would have cost him very little to feign interest thus avoiding grief from you, although not a desirable approach! I would have little respect for such a poor parent and husband.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful message. Kindness is so hard to come by and this was really needed after a tough day, I really appreciate it 🙏🏻 Thank you so much for asking though - I Do have a job, I have hobbies and I have friends etc etc I live a rounded live as far as that is possible - I love your concern, it’s so sweet and generous of you.
Kindness costs nothing. Posting that you are laughing at someone is really unkind and you should be embarrassed. I hope you don’t encourage your children to laugh at people when they are having a bad day or feeling down. “Haha, she is a bit upset, let’s have a giggle at her and then tell her we are laughing at her.”
I’m not perfect, Lord knows, far from it I’m sure. But I tell my kids “Choose Kind”. So I’m telling you the same thing 💓

@Hatty123 OP, I think you should make another post in Relationships about the issues with your husband. Be sure to include that he’s older than you and all the ways in which he’s controlling, not just financially but also things like wanting you to apologise to him for “ruining his evening” (which is more like a parent/child dynamic but is unfortunately common in these age gap relationships). Also the fact that you have to remember conversations to the word to keep him from lying about what he’s said.

A thread like that will be more helpful than this one, which will continue to have dim arseholes coming in and having a go without bothering to read your posts. It sounds like there’s a lot more going on and you could use some support. 💐

It isn’t about whether our DS goes to Preschool or not, it’s simply about being disappointed that DH told me very clearly that he doesn’t have any interest in where our child will be for 200 days of the next 12 months. He doesn’t have to come to the open afternoon… but I would’ve thought he’d naturally be interested enough to ask Something / Anything about the setting. It’s like “out of sight, out of mind”. My kids are always in my mind even when I’m in the thick of it in work. But I can’t make him more interested in it so I shall muddle through and hopefully he will show a spark of interest at some stage across the academic year.

There won’t be any great interest required for the “selecting” primary stage either as DS has had his name down for the school that his siblings attend since he was 1 month old or so.

I think that's entirely fair enough. We didn't need to have a big discussion about where our second child would go to school either.

I think you should move on from this. Most people don't think it's a big deal.

You have drip fed enough to have the LTV crowd salivating so feel free to run with that if you're bored and really desperate to have your husband slated online.

Honestly? Given the context and your updates, I'd say your reaction was your body and mind alerting you to some potentially serious underlying issues. Try to take a step back, evaluate the equity in your relationship, whether teamwork and mutual support and appreciation is in balance. Observe. Fact find. Reflect.

OP, you remind me of a lot of intelligent, educated women who are married to very high earners and who have taken a step back or off in terms of their own careers. Their considerable talents are diverted to a kind of maximisation approach to their children's development and education and often seem to overthink things as if their children are a project to be managed effectively. People who either aren't made that way or genuinely don't have the headspace for it (your husband?) can find it tiresome and somewhat pointless. Mine are now nearly grown and having seen every kind of parenting from your kind to the most laissez faire, apart from a very few extrenes at either end, most kids end up grand, normal and blessedly ordinary. One of my close friends turned herself inside out with her kids and if it were a project getting a grade, they'd be a solid B - grand kids but they are not amazing (who is?) nor have they kept in even one of the very expensive middle class hobbies she insisted upon at great trouble and expense to herself. They have found their own and really enjoy them. I think we vastly overestimate the impact of second tier parenting decisions vs children's own personalities - get the basics right in terms of stability, love, good food, sleep, exercise, fun, etc and the rest usually falls into place. Or as much as it does for any young person these days - these are certainly challenging times and the best approach is to remain flexible and low key.

I think the wording of this is harsh, but you said your husband has more responsibility at work than he had. He’s likely just busy and maybe tired.

And in the grand scheme of things a 3rd child starting nursery isn’t a big deal.

I’m very interested in this. I have friends who are married to high earners & their kids get the best of everything - private schools, tuition etc. I’d be surprised if they weren’t more high achieving than average.

If DH had chosen a nursery or a club for DD and gone to a settling session, and then wanted me to organise a separate look-around, I'd find that cringingly embarrassing and feel like a total helicopter.

As it was, I chose the nurseries DD went to just because I was working P/T back then and had the time. DH trusted my judgement.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling a bit disappointed, but I also don't think this necessarily means your DH doesn't care about your son.

By the third child, some parents are definitely less invested in all the nursery/school admin side of things because they've done it before. My husband was exactly the same with our youngest. He trusted me to do the research and make the decision, but it did sometimes come across as him not being bothered when actually he just wasn't as interested in the process.

That said, I can understand why the "it's only one year" comment stung. Nursery is a big part of a little one's life and if you've put loads of effort into finding the right place, it's nice to feel that effort is recognised.

For what it's worth, when I was looking at nurseries I found a few guides online really helpful because there was so much to think about beyond just location and availability. This one had some useful points about what to look for and questions to ask: nurseryadvice.co.uk.

I think this is probably one of those situations where you're both seeing it differently rather than either of you being right or wrong. I'd be disappointed too, but I wouldn't necessarily read it as him not caring about your child.

He’s someone with a top job, the benefit is his salary, the downside is his lack of availability.

Most people I know who have a 3rd child joke that they rear themselves. You’ve done the nursery thing twice before, it isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

If you are finding his lack of availability overwhelming id suggest paying for additional
help such as a babysitter to cover swimming lessons. That what the wife of an executive I know does and she’s a SAHM.

@theleafandnotthetreei love your post and couldn't agree more!

I am much older than you and my dear friend who is multi talented, think publishing, actress, opera, jacked it all in for to stay at home because her husband was the higher earner so she worked part time doing secretarial work around the school hours. He dismissed her concerns of their being no solutions to her increasing her hours as he was so stressed out with his job and she had agreed to be a sthm conveniently forgetting it was him pressing for the children she was ambivalent about having.
Needless to say he did not pay into her pension for her, no help or encouragement or money to retrain and update her skills. Her self confidence nose dived. What a waste of a clever educated woman ground down by her arrogant selfish husband. He departed suddenly as their youngest was about to start her A level exams leaving her blindsided and devastated.
I’m telling you all this so have a think about where you’re going to be when your children are a bit older. Maybe start updating your skills now and start planning how you are going to get better hours and better pay, because you know what? You need more than pin money and the children to look after. (And the house.)