AIBU to feel upset that DH says nursery does not matter?

[Hatty123]

So… is it fair to be a bit upset with DH… he says I am overreacting in speaking with him about it and feeling disappointed and a bit upset.
Our little boy has recently heard that he has a place at a local nursery for Sept - I’m So thrilled for him! He is so ready and will just love it. I did all the research re nurseries, did the online application and made the phone calls to see where he was on the waiting list etc.
We heard about the upcoming parent / child day to meet the teacher and the other kids/parents. I think it’ll be lovely to see the setting, speak with the teacher and get a sense of the place properly. Also it will be super for our little boy to see where he will be going. He is excited and already telling me about how he is going to make new friends!
I told hubby the date for this and unfortunately he is on a work away day and won’t be able to make it. I suggested that maybe I could ask the teacher if he could make an appointment to meet her for 15 mins and see the nursery. He just shrugged and said “Well I guess if she’s happy to I could do that.”

I guess / hope that part of his not being fussed about finding out more or actually seeing the nursery could be that he trusts me judgement. That is lovely of course. I’d just like him to be involved in the process in even some small way and to Want to be. It’s our 3rd child and this is a different nursery to where the bigger 2 kids went. Maybe he has fatigue but he definitely was more invested with the older 2 and went to the nursery ahead of them going etc to see it and meet the teachers.

I said “Are you not interested to see where X will be going every day Mon-Fri in Sept?”
He said pretty curtly, “ It’s not important. It’s only one year!”
It really disappointed me. I told him that I can’t make him care but I am disappointed. Our child will be there Monday-Friday for 40 weeks of his young life. He is excited and I for one am on board to get excited with him for this new adventure. DH says he cares and I am being unfair. No apology.

I explained how him saying that it “doesn’t matter” also minimises all the time and thought I put into getting the application in etc, like I needn’t have bothered. No apology, just silence after briefly trying to turn it around on me and getting a bit angry with me for being “really unfair”. That made me feel a little bit gaslit tbh. I don’t know. He seems determined to maintain that he is being very unfairly treated and I have no right to be disappointed.

I’ll be the one dropping him off every day, it’s a bit out of my way in the mornings on days I am working but I just think he’ll get so much learning and social benefit from it. Is it “just one year” and “not matter”? Or Am I being unreasonable?

You’re making too big a deal about this. It’s not a place at Oxford. It’s nursery. No way does more than one parent need to attend these things. Dh did come with me to do nursery and some but not all school open days. But he definitely didn’t take off work for anything (he was self employed at that point and worked his work schedule around it). Generally, only one of us attended transition days, only one of us does parents evening, with rare exception. It’s not always me. But it really doesn’t need two of us.

I’m team DH.

I think someone needs to have a level of dismissiveness to counteract your over excited response to him starting nursery.

You’re happy with your choice and will be doing drop offs.

Of you’d asked him for help to find a nursery or was refusing to do drop offs when he could I’d agree with you.

But the poor bloke is literally just unable to muster up the over enthusiasm you have for this. I’d struggle to tbh!

I don't think it is at all necessary to arrange a private appontment for him to see thd nursery when you've already looked round and spoken to the staff.

Honestly op.., you are just really over invested in a non event in your child’s life.
I would seriously consider getting a few hobbies

Is this real? If it is, you seriously need to calm down A LOT. Your child is going to nursery, it’s not a huge achievement, most children go. It’s rarely an assessed entry, you just happen to be in an area where there are enough spaces. The admission forms are basic details, not exams. Getting your child excited 3 months before going is ridiculous. 3 months of his life at 3 is a huge amount of time. You’re putting unnecessary pressure on everyone, especially your child, about the most tiny of things. Stop. Please. For the sake of your child and before you build this into something that turns from excitement to anxiety!

Ok, it was just a turn of phrase. I got the info sent to me. I told him, he has been talking about wanting to go to school like his siblings etc so is pleased. He sees them getting into the uniform etc and attends their school plays / sports days / swimming galas etc so it’s probably natural for him to be looking forward in that sense.

I am particularly pleased as it looked like it wouldn’t happen and it’s an underage place - he is 3 weeks too young to be “target age” but he is well ready. And because most kids go to nursery isn’t a reason to not be pleased that a child has attained a place.

He currently splits his week between myself and the childminder (who he loves).

I arranged DS' nursery place I viewed a few I also did his stay and plays because I was on mat leave and DH was at work and tbh I think 2 parents there should've been a bit much. DH did come to drop off on his first proper day and we shared pick ups and drop offs. It sounds like yours doesn't bother with much to do with the children which is different

You're being a bit over-the-top about it. It's just nursery, but you're announcing it like he got accepted into Cambridge University.
I think just you going to the open day is fine. Especially as it'll be you doing drop-offs and pick-ups. It's not really necessary for him to meet the teacher prior to starting. Especially as he won't be the parent having daily contact. And perhaps, not unreasonably, he's concerned about taking up even more of the teacher's time? Especially as it reads like you're asking for "above and beyond" for a child that doesn't even start for 4 months. The teachers are, unsurprisingly, busy concentrating on getting their current cohort ready for the move up to Reception. They're not even thinking about the September starters yet.

Your DH is being a bit casual about it, but you're been too much. I think you could try and meet in the middle.

I can understand where you’re coming from - when our DS started nursery me and DH did all the research, went to the open days and made the decision together. We’ve always shared all the drop offs and pick ups because we both liked to go in and see the room and speak to the staff. We only have the one child though, so perhaps the excitement has worn off for your DH the third time round. I can see why you find that sad though, especially if he’s behaving differently to how he did with your older children.

I also don’t see the problem with speaking to your son about nursery now - isn’t that all part of preparing him to go, so he knows what to expect? It’s great that he’s looking forward to it and sounds like you have done a good job of finding a great place for him.

I’m not sure it’s a “non event in a child’s life”, he will spend 200 days there over the next 12 months. That feels very dismissive of a year within what are considered a child’s formative years. 90% of brain development happens by the age of 5. The most formative years of a child are birth to age 8, with the period from birth to age 5 being the most critical. During this time, the brain develops faster than at any other point in life, laying the foundational architecture for all future learning, behavior, and health. I’m a little bit sad to hear that you think a year of a child’s educational and social life at this stage is a “non event”. That says more about you than me I’d respectfully suggest.

A child’s early years can have lifelong physical, social, and emotional impacts. While positive experiences and environments can set up a young child on a stronger life-long path, traumatic experiences or environments during those formative years can have long-lasting, detrimental impact.

Bottom line though, I just want DS to be happy and I am not ashamed of taking an active interest in the lives and wellbeing of my children. I think bashing others mums for this is really unsupportive and unkind.

ps I live a well rounded and busy life. What makes you think I don’t have hobbies? That’s objectively pretty rude. Again if you can’t see that it says more about you than me. It’s sad that you need to interact with others in this way, does it make you happy or feel bigger or better to knock others down? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not “announcing it”, but as a parent seeing their child hitting milestones it is surely normal to be pleased for them and encouraging. I don’t think asking for thoughts on an anonymous forum constitutes “announcing it”, can you explain? If down the line one of our kids attains a place at Uni we won’t be “announcing” it either, that’s just bumming and blasting. I’m pleased that my DS is going to have a nurturing and hopefully very happy year when the place was by no means likely. I’m not entitled enough to assume he was going to get a place anywhere - it was a lovely surprise.

I accept that DH doesn’t need to go to the nursery / meet the teacher / be involved (teachers won’t have time as they are busy people with lots of pulls on their time) but it makes me a little sad for my child that he isn’t interested. There is a bit of a pattern of this with the other kids but he generally takes an interest at this initial stage to see where they will be.

I can’t force him to be interested. I am working on accepting that he just leaves it to me and I can be supportive and a listening ear for our children for the both of us when it comes to school / nursery.

Cool. Good to know. I just think referring to a year of a child’s like as “it doesn’t matter, it’s only a year” is just a bit sad. The word I have used to describe how I feel at his words is “disappointed”. Obviously you think 200 days in a new setting with new adults and lots of new friends etc isn’t something worth being interested in either. And that’s ok. 👍🏻 His words were curt and dismissed my time and energy in the process. “It doesn’t matter”. If you like your children’s life experiences and your efforts with your family being spoken about like that, that’s fine. I drew a line as it felt disappointing.
The same man went to the open days and met the staff etc for our other kids, so I was a bit surprised I guess that he took this attitude with our youngest - it’s a different nursery school as we have moved house. 🤷🏻‍♀️
On the flip side I guess he trusts my judgement implicitly. I’d just love him to even ask a question or two, look up the website or even know where the nursery is - he knows the town it’s in and that’s it. With our other kids he was all about “how big is the class size?” “Is there a good play area?” Etc etc He just isn’t interested.

@Hatty123it is definitely a non event
I work in eyfs and starting nursery is no big deal.
most children have been in childcare settings longer thst 1 year .

Same here, mine did the occasional
pick up but not the initial looking around etc

Same here. It really doesn't need two parents to do it 🤷

And yes, mine was also less interested in DS2 ‘s activities eg Cubs. I agree with you there - and I pointed that out. It was definitely a case of him having done it already with DS1.

You are being ott! Most nurseries are largely the same, its completely normal for the novelty to have worn off this sort of crap by child number 3!

I agree that he sounds a bit dismissive and the fact that he's outsourcing all of this to you with minimal input is a bit of a problem. I don't think it's necessarily a disaster if he can't avoid work to come and see it but it's his general lack of interest which I find a bit rude and entitled.

While I think starting nursery is fairly routine, I would be concerned if he felt like that around more significant milestones such as starting school etc.

I'm also shocked at the number of posters on here who are accusing you of being a "drama llama" for wanting your husband to play an active part in parenting.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

It’s quite over the top. And you’ve listed the steps you took to get him in there, just like we all do.
Also is it a teacher in a Nursery?

Also its not sort of like an "achievement" to get a nursery place. They aren't allocated by developmental readiness or anything to do with your son himself etc unless its the nursery class of a very selective prep. It will just be that they happen to have had a space come available when you were looking for one.

I quite understand why you are disappointed that DH isn't as invested in his 3rd child's education as he was in that of his older children. I hope that DS doesn't begin to understand this.
However, as a former EY teacher, I wouldn't advise asking for any kind of special treatment. I doubt that the Nursery is expecting 2 parents for each child at the open day, in fact I bet they are hoping that only 1 turns up.
It is interesting though that DH seems to try to deny reality to you. I'm glad that you have found a way of dealing with his behaviour but do be aware that most successful relationships don't have that dynamic. You might decide that you no longer wish to put up with being treated as 'lesser'.

It’s technically a “Preschool” but has the word “Nursery” in its title. It’s not a childcare facility if that makes sense, I know the word “nursery” gets used in a few contexts. So yea, the staff includes “Teachers” and a “headmistress”.

100% - he has got a place due to availability and his birth date. No more no less. I’m just disappointed by DH told me that this next 12 months attending this new setting “doesn’t matter”. That’s the whole Crux of my post.

you are bit ott he us under tt not a hill id die on, he trust your judgement and all nurseries are pretty much the same

relax a bit

It’s just nice to have a bit more of a partner in the decisions about your kids, it would just be nice if he was “interested”. Maybe other people don’t care if the other parent knows anything about where the child spends half of their waking hours during term time. I just would like him to show a Little bit 🤏 of interest and maybe not dismiss this next little stage for our child as not “mattering”. Like DS could go and do anything during the hours he is at work- it doesn’t matter to him. I think it actually Does matter to him, so why can’t he just admit it and express an interest. Instead he chose to make out that I was imagining the whole thing, he didn’t say any of it (he admitted it after I calmly stood my ground) and making a drama.