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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

1000 replies

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP posts:
Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:16

How many dogs we talking here?

And what breeds?

EmpressaurusKitty · 31/05/2026 09:18

Ditch him, keep the dogs.

Whenindoubthugitout · 31/05/2026 09:18

This is not tbd relationship for you

StabiaGirl · 31/05/2026 09:18

Please don't try for a baby with this man.
He's already showed you his attitude towards parental responsibility.

BeardySchnauzer · 31/05/2026 09:18

Well you know he is going to continue to pressure you about them so you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. Personally his attitude to the dogs would be enough to end the relationship as it’s a fundamental difference in values

it’s also a red flag because if he convinces you to get rid of two much loved pets what else will he try and bully you into

Genevieva · 31/05/2026 09:18

Why try for a baby when you have unresolved relationship issues? Resolve those first and get married, then focus on babies. Marriage exists to protect you when you are at your most vulnerable because you are focused on caring for a baby. If you still have the dogs then and are financially dependent on your partner for to maternity leave then then the pressure to regime them will only increase.

BashthatTerriesorange · 31/05/2026 09:18

YANBU but you should not have a baby with this man unless this gets sorted.

You are allowed to put any parameters around a relationship you chose, accepting that narrows the pool, but the pool is what you want, and you would prefer to remain single than change the parameter.

Tel12 · 31/05/2026 09:18

Absolutely not, this is non negotiable. You had the dogs before you met your partner so he will have to adjust. It actually sounds like he could be jealous of the time you spend with them and is quite aware you will have even less time when/if the baby arrives. Or he's dangling that carrot in the hope you will be compliant. I'd be rethinking the relationship.

DontReplyAll · 31/05/2026 09:18

I wouldn’t want to live with dogs, but then I wouldn’t move in with someone who had dogs

Be very careful before getting pregnant with this man

He’s trying to erode your boundaries. What makes you think he’s going to be a good father and supportive partner?

Babies are hard on even the best relationships, and this doesn’t sound like the best relationship.

Stifledlife · 31/05/2026 09:19

If he's not careful, he might find himself being rehomed.
It's a big red flag to me that he is trying to change your life by stealth.

He knew you had dogs. You do all the management and presumably they bring you joy, so he must have accepted their presence as permanent.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 31/05/2026 09:19

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:16

How many dogs we talking here?

And what breeds?

OP says two dogs and breed is irrelevant.

If I was worried about how my dogs would deal with a newborn, I wouldn’t bring a newborn into the house. I wouldn’t be getting rid of the dogs…

SweatySpider321 · 31/05/2026 09:19

Boyfriend needs re-homing ASAP. My husband is clear about the hierarchy in our house and yes me / my pets are a package deal

mummymacphee · 31/05/2026 09:20

I’m not a dog lover but I think your partner is being totally unreasonable here. It sounds like you were really upfront about your commitment to your dogs when you got together and you’re not asking him to take on any direct responsibility for their welfare or upkeep. I can’t believe he expects you to just ‘get rid’ on the basis that you might have a baby and you might not be able to manage both. YANBU!

Thundertoast · 31/05/2026 09:20

Can you explain more about these discussions, because im a bit confused how you got to the point of planning for a baby if he's repeatedly asking you this and you are saying no. If you were trying to be objective, do your dogs have any behavioural issues that cause him concern?

SweatySpider321 · 31/05/2026 09:20

For clarity we had a baby. Baby is now a toddler and loves the pets as well

Greenwitchart · 31/05/2026 09:20

Dump him and keep the dogs.

No decent guy would ask you to get rid of your beloved pets.

In general I would stay away from people who don't like animals...

BashthatTerriesorange · 31/05/2026 09:21

Genevieva · 31/05/2026 09:18

Why try for a baby when you have unresolved relationship issues? Resolve those first and get married, then focus on babies. Marriage exists to protect you when you are at your most vulnerable because you are focused on caring for a baby. If you still have the dogs then and are financially dependent on your partner for to maternity leave then then the pressure to regime them will only increase.

My personal view is that you are better off not marrying and maintaining financial independence. Divorce is expensive, more so if you end up being the one with higher income/ more assets. It’s easy for many men to carry out wheezes to hide assets/ reduce what they need to pay. Solicitors are expensive.

Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 · 31/05/2026 09:22

Def rehome. I mean why wouldn't you?
Not too sure a good home will be found.
He sounds a twat.
And you will be well rid.
I had a 3 yo rottweiler when I met dh. He knew full well if they hadn't bonded he would have been gone..we had her until she died of cancer at 11...

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:23

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:16

How many dogs we talking here?

And what breeds?

I have two. They are mixed breed, but those breeds are common family pets and not dangerous dogs.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 31/05/2026 09:23

I'm not enough of a fan to live with dogs, I don't like the smell (they all smell even when the owners say they don't) and I don't like the daily, got to get home for the dog, need to walk the dog , can't leave them alone too long etc. Having said that I wouldn't seriously date someone with dogs. I don't think either of you is wrong in your preference but you're not compatible

cheezncrackers · 31/05/2026 09:23

YANBU, but you would be unreasonable to try for a baby with someone with whom you have this sort of large, unresolved relationship issue. You're right that you and the dogs are a package. If he doesn't like that and only wants you, well then you need to split up, because this isn't the man for you. I wouldn't get rid of my cat for any man.

Vaxtable · 31/05/2026 09:25

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:16

How many dogs we talking here?

And what breeds?

Why does that matter. It has said the dogs were there first

Op you have already capitulated to him with keeping the dogs out of rooms. Do not let this go any further. You age made it clear it’s a non negotiable stick to it

i would be telling him if he carries on with the comments he is the one you can get rehomed

Damnloginpopup · 31/05/2026 09:25

I have a step dog 🤗 How lucky am I!!!

Genevieva · 31/05/2026 09:26

BashthatTerriesorange · 31/05/2026 09:21

My personal view is that you are better off not marrying and maintaining financial independence. Divorce is expensive, more so if you end up being the one with higher income/ more assets. It’s easy for many men to carry out wheezes to hide assets/ reduce what they need to pay. Solicitors are expensive.

In that case they shouldn’t have kids together. Being a single Mum with no marital assets is expensive too. So the order should be: secure relationship, marriage built on shared understanding, then kids.

This boyfriend will continue to pressure her. He will say he doesn’t want to pay for the dogs. She will feel she has to draw down on her savings to support them. That means they aren’t operating as a family unit. It won’t work. Mothers of small children need fathers with a ‘what’s mine is yours’ attitude.

wheredidiputmyglasses · 31/05/2026 09:26

Love me love my dogs - they’re are part of the package. If he doesn't like it he can go -

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