AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

What’s the actual conversation ?

“get rid of your dogs”

or

“if we are going to have children we need to think about what to do with the dogs, I’m worried that we won’t have the time they need (as large breeds) once a baby arrives, and I am worried about the safety of the baby around them”

which is it ?

Based on what? They are extremely loving and sweet.

Excellent advice.

Sort things out in the right order and they will work.

The outcome may be different , but it will be the right outcome for you.

Everyone can agree that the dogs are your priority.

You can choose them. Or a relationship and children.

Of course another 6 years of your dogs life might remove any chance of you becoming a parent for life. But as long as you make your choice knowingly.

Things change in life - having a child for him is changing his view. You can keep your view.

It just means no children.

Keep the dogs and ditch the bloke.

If this is the case then you need to decide between a baby and family or the dogs.

The dogs are likely to continue to be a wedge issue. Babies create enough strain on strong couples. Add in resentment over a dog, and you being expected to do all of the dog as well as most of the baby stuff and all difficulties arising from dog and baby because they are ‘your dogs’ - it’s going to be relationship ending grim.

You have a difficult choice over what is most important to you, but you do need to chose and put yourself fully into whatever you choose to make it work.

I dislike dogs but agree with you. I know I don't like dogs and so why would I date a dog owner. To me it makes us instantly incompatible.

Plenty of people have children snd dogs. Just look around you.

They sound like a dream to me. Own living space, groomed and walked…if you don’t like dogs you can just say it.

OP, I understand that you love your dogs. But I think it's reasonable for him to feel a bit concerned about introducing a new baby into the mix. You say "I'm not even pregnant yet" but surely this is the right time to discuss this? Rather than waiting until you are pregnant and it's too late.

Why on earth would you want to even consider having a baby with someone who doesn’t love your dogs? Plenty of men would. They are part of your family. Ditch him.

Rehome the man. It’s clear he’s been pushing and pushing your boundaries and you’ve been jumping through every hoop he’s set up.

Get out now before it’s something else he starts to control.

If we are talking two spaniels it is different perhaps to talking two border collies that need a lot of looking after and work. And again it is different to two rotties.
Knowing the breed mix will help with the advice.

I wouldn't ever want to live with dogs so I just wouldn't date anyone who had dogs! But he knew this was the deal with you at the start and he chose to move in together! Tell him to either accept that the dogs are here to stay or move out - there is no compromise here.

I am so sick of people bringing kids into this world when their relationships clearly already have issues.

If someone said you have a choice:

You are childless but get two to six extra years with your dogs.
You have children but lose two to sex years with your dogs.

Your choice has consequences. Lifelong consequences.

This isn’t about the dogs.

This is about him moving the goalposts and pressuring you.

If you are otherwise compatible I don’t really understand how this is such an issue, baring some massive behaviour issues or something that makes the dogs impossible to live with. If they are just normal dogs he is being v unreasonable to the point I would seriously question what it is saying about him as a partner. If he’s not willing to help look after a couple of dogs I really question how useful he’d be in helping with a baby. Babies are very hard work and sleep deprivation makes everyone very grumpy.

You are barely with this man 5 minutes, have a very big unresolved issue pertaining to living creatures and you want to rush into having a baby with him?

I am not an animal lover. However my husband and stepson are. They eventually wore me down to getting a dog and honestly it has been the biggest issue in our relationship and will always be. Whilst I have agreed he won't be rehomed, I absolutely despise living with an animal. Your partner cannot possibly have known how much he would dislike living with an animal and how difficult it would be on your relationship in advance. But he knows now and he has his red line. If keeping the pets are your red line... then end this relationship now.

Neither of you are wrong for wanting or not wanting pets. You are just not compatible and bringing a baby into that would be an absolute shitshow particularly so soon in a relationship.

Keep your dogs 100%. Package deal. He has to be all in with them. Worst case scenario? You ditch dogs, still have relationship issues then have potentially no man, no baby or single parent plus loss of dogs/ guilt of rehoming them and pain of missing them. No one man is worth it. He shouldn’t be putting you through this. Why get into a serious relationship with you only to ask this?

The thing is that the relationship is very solid apart from this. We've only ever had a disagreement on this one issue. Yes, it's an incompatibility, but I don't want dogs when these two go and they may only have a few years to go. Is it worth ending an otherwise great partnership?

So he's planning on being a lazy fucker, not just with the dogs but probably with the baby and extra chores as normal couples would pitch in together right from the start.

He's showing you who he is OP, and I suspect your body clock is ticking too loudly for you to realise. Ditch the man, he's not supportive, he's not caring, he's not kind, he's eroding your boundaries and he will slowly erode your self esteem.

You want a baby that badly? ONS are still a thing and are far better than where this relationship is heading. Only slightly joking with that.

This. Entirely. He is not right for you. You are right to stand by those doggos. I had five dogs (working at the vet, you end up with dogs no-one else wants) when I met DH. He just laughed at the mismatch of shapes, sizes and bits missing from them and then one of them decided he was his person and glued on to him. Future DH just accepted they were part of the package.

Hell would freeze over before I got rid of my dog for a man (or anyone)!

Don't have a baby with a man who moves in and tries to control you OP. He is not a good decent partner. Dogs or no dogs.

Also he doesn't understand responsibility and commitment and does not respect you. Huge red flag, again, dog or no dog.

100% agree.

In my case, he definitively would be the one being rehomed.