AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

Do not have a baby with this man op. It’s a recipe for disaster. He will increase the pressure and make life miserable. Of course you are keeping your dogs, ffs. You had them first. I strongly suggest you ditch this twat.
ps I have dogs and my now-partner was very clear from the start it’s a love-me-love-my-dogs situation as they are non-negotiable! He loves them now, thankfully, so he is getting to stay.

why does it matter re how many dogs and what breed will be around a newborn? Oh dear

I expect your DP does like dogs in small doses but not the work of caring for two of them. However you have dogs and he knew that.

He knows that rehoming your dogs will make you very unhappy - it is alarming that your happiness is not a priority for him.

Rehoming your dogs is likely to make them anxious and unhappy, they could even be stuck in an animal shelter for years. Does your DP lack empathy for other living creatures?

He does not sound like good husband or father material to me.

So only 'dangerous dogs' kill pwople? Do you watch the news?

If you are happy with them being around a newborn…. And he isn’t…. Then it really is him or the dogs.

What are you going to go for?

When my sister was looking for a new partner, the first date was always a walk with her dog.

If he didn’t like them, that was it.

We've both been married previously and aren't 100% on doing it again.

This

I'm already divorced, so not sure on marrying again.

OP is a dog lover - that’s a little personality trait of her ls he clearly doesn’t like. So he doesn’t love her completely.

and he is clearly not a dog lover - in fact it sounds like he’s indifferent/hostile to them. So are they actually compatible?

I’ve always wanted a dog and would never have married someone who didn’t want to get one at some point

Id choose the dogs. Dont have a baby with him. He sounds much too uptight to be a father. You cant give a baby back if he doesnt like it.

You have been together barely 2 years. Maybe pause on the baby front.

We’ll be prepared for his career to progress while yours stagnates after having children, then, when things go wrong, he will only ever be on the hook for minimal child maintenance. Unless you are independently wealthy and have assets to protect, the disadvantages of not being married are significant. But that’s another thread. You don’t seem to have a shared understanding of what your life together should look like. Your dogs could be around for another 5 to 10 years. They are a big part of your life. For your relationship to work he needs to live the dogs and want them in his life. Ideally, he’d begin to think of them as his too.

Given that so many people are dog lovers, it's interesting that many men have had an issue with yours. I'd love to hear their side of the story as to what exactly their issue was with your 2 large dogs

Normally I'd agree, but I'm at the age where we don't have time to wait.

Yes! He won’t be able to re-home a baby when it gets too much.

I was going to vote yanbu without even reading the post. Your dogs, your family. I’d lose my rag over the constant pressure to re-home.

I would give him an ultimatum. He accepts that the dogs are a non negotiable part of your life or he goes. I am not a dog person at all - nothing against them, but definitely not in the ‘dogs are equal to humans’ camp - but I honestly believe that your partner is being very manipulative. There’s not liking dogs, which is fair enough, but then there’s not even being prepared to accept that the person you claim to love is emotionally attached to her pets. I honestly can’t see the relationship working if he is going to constantly chip away at you to rehome the dogs you love.

Although a cat person (clue in my username) - I think that failing to have a common approach to pets with a partner would be a dealbreaker for me.
So I tend to be on team dog this time.

You are going to get a whole lot of dog lovers on here telling you to ditch him and keep the dogs. Because “fluffy wuffy puppy wuppy” etc.

I am not one of them. I am not a dog lover. I don’t even particularly like dogs. I will never get a dog.

I think you need to end this relationship. When you first got together you set a strict non negotiable. He agreed. And now he is trying to negotiate it. And you have already compromised massively.

As a minimum stop ttcing and risking trapping yourself with him until this is sorted.

But really you need to end this. It should never have started.

He is bullying you to try and get riď of your dogs.
You love the dogs and they love you - you are a pack in their eyes!
IF he succeeds and you do re-home them (unlikely-they would have to go to a shelter) then he will never stop bullying you to get what he wants.
If he can force you to get rid of two living creatures which love you and feel your love then there’s nothing and no none who will be off limits.
Do not have a baby with this man - and keep your dogs.
He knew you had dogs, if he wasn’t going to wholeheartedly become part of the pack he should never ever have moved in.

Marriage is only a financial benefit to the woman if the man is, and remains, a significant higher earner/ has significantly higher assets AND is not in a position to hide those assets/income on divorce.

Too often marriage is touted as this great financial safety net for women but each women really needs to look into whether this will be true in the circumstances of her own situation and partner. Certainly no woman should assume she is financially safe thanks to marriage alone.

Anyway, it’s all moot as OP has said she does not want to marry.

You should definitely re-home.

Re-home the bloke.

And if someone else had posted this… guaranteed the op would be saying “dump him, I would!!””

so do it op. It’s dead in the water and absolutely NOT suitable for pair of you to be TTC!

I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue.

He must like dogs on some level if he lives with two! I don't like dogs. So I wouldn't move in with someone who has dogs.

But anyway, I don't understand why anyone would prioritise two animals over the feelings of their partner who they claim to love. Maybe that's his issue.

And you’d crack on with someone you do not really seem that fond of?