AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

If he can pretend to love your dogs until he has them in a situation he controls and then he wants them gone, what else can he do? When you are trapped, no dogs, kids, no family or friends close by, maybe not working because it’s too hard with a selfish partner, no money, no protection in marriage etc what would he be like with you? I hope you can see op, this isn’t about dogs this is another controlling man who has wormed his way into your affections. Sadly going off of here there are 1000s of women in similar situations. Keep your eyes open and look after yourself. I’m very grateful my dh is a cat person like me - that story about the man dumping the cat by a pp has really upset me

By your own admission you're not a dog lover. Dog lovers won't look at the dogs' life span in the same clinical way you have done. To a dog owner, every day of their life is precious. Yes, it's obviously true that humans live longer than dogs, which is why all the more reason to look after them while they are here - not what to plan for when they are gone. Sorry if it came across I was having a go at you. I could have worded my post to you a bit better.

I do not get that impression at all. She's said nothing like that.

If I met a man who had dogs no matter how much I liked him I wouldn't enter into a relationship with him due to being allergic to dog dander. I wouldn't expect a man to give up his dog for me either therefore he should have told her from the beginning he wasn't prepared to be part of her life with the dogs around. I believe a dislike of sharing your home with a dog doesn't make you a bad person anymore than it would if you didn't want to share your home with any other animal. It's his manipulation of the OP leading her to believe he would accept them then showing his true feelings after she moved in with him that is totally wrong.

I di because when you specifically ask her about behaviours like jumping on furniture and begging for food, she reverts to saying how "loving" they are. She will not answer specific questions about behaviour or training. Only that she has had to ban them from certain rooms to compromise with the partner.

I have had many dogs. I frequently have my dogs around people who don't like dogs but are in our home. This isn't much of an issue because my dogs do not crowd people, jump on them, demand attention, steal food, beg and understand commands such as away, place, off and no. I have been around dogs where if they are in the same room as you, they are on you, if you eat, they're begging, you cant put a plate down or they'll take the food off of it. Theyre lapping out of your glass ffs.

These arent aggressive or unloving dogs. They are very loving! But they are untrained with poor boundaries and manners. It's a lot.

Why do you have to walk the dogs separately? You said ‘he walks one and I walk the other’. Is that at the same time?

She's not answered a lotof other things either to be fair. Which I have reasoned with the fact that she's in an incredibly stressful situation, probably busy and it isnt anything to do with what she asked MN for help with.

When it comes down to it, even if the dogs were unruly and troublesome, the crux of the matter is this man pretended to be happy and accepting of something important to her when he is not. He told her a huge lie to get her to move, commit and be 'stuck' with him.

I think gen -Z would call this 'future faking'. It would be the same if her pet was a huge alligator, or it was a SEN child, or it was a hobby she had. He has told her he loved her and the thing she loves, that comes as a package with her, that she holds of importance wasn't an issue when that simply was not true and his plan was that he's oh so important and irresistible that OP would be sure to renege on once they were living together and she was isolated and more reliant on him.

This is really poor on his part. Was he lying to himself I wonder? If so, what else is he kidding himself about? I mean there is another life change he says he's keen on but maybe he actually will find he can't live with staring you in the face here...

No apology necessary, but thank you.

Good point

You see I think the middle ground could be more like they've moved in together, but she wants to get on with TTC, and this is where he is putting the breaks on and saying that he isn't prepared to take this step with the dogs around. He is likely aware of the time constraints and so he is wanting to crack on, too. Just not with the dogs around.

Honestly, I believe a trainer could solve at least some of these issues if the OP will admit that they exist.

I think you have to tell him. I'm never giving up my dogs. Babies, husband, work, living situation, relationship/single, ill health. The dogs stay. This was the situation when you met him, it's the situation now and will always be the situation until they die natural deaths.

He can decide from there what he wants.

OP I've tried to look at this from both sides, but he really does sound awful. These days you don't have to have a husband or live in partner to have a baby, and really he doesn't sound like he'd be much of a father.

I'm a cat person. Doesn't mean I don't love dogs and horses and the spider that lives in the corner of my kitchen.

Stop making excuses for him. He knew he didn't want to live with your dogs - get rid of the man, not the dogs.

Possibly (& neither of us know if training issues exist to be fair). But, he knew OP had no intention of rehoming two middle aged bonded dogs,(a HUUUGE ask, borderline impossible even if she wanted to!) TTC or not. She was clear with him on this. He knew about the TTC pending too. If he's changed his mind, nagging her about something like this is simply not on.

A dog lover who has a bond with two companions who've been in her life for years all through a messy divorce with someone who sounds dreadful, will find this so alien. What worries me is that although OP seems to be in agreement with me on this, she's questioning herself and asking here. He's already ground her down IME and as she's obviously not fully recovered from a past abusive relationship, she cannot see it.

This is such a weird post. Why are you with this arsehole? You are talking like it is somehow unusual and strange for a single woman to own dogs - it's really not. The only men who would have a big problem with this are men who don't like dogs or animals (and why would you be interested in these men?) and needy, insecure, controlling men who can't bear to share your affections. Just get rid of him. I know you want a child and I understand that can be a really powerful desire, but having a child with the wrong man is a decision you would very likely regret. Don't do it.

Have you considered that she might be "nagging" him to get on with TTC despite his reservations? I think there might be mutual "nagging" going on.

As a dog person, I know that sometimes people use their dogs as a bit of an emotional crutch and then allow behaviour and a dynamic that actually isn't great for anyone involved.

Absolutely this. But he should have made his position clear far earlier. I guess he thought that you'd be too far in once you were living together, and would be more willing to part with the dogs.

Basically… nailed it

A man that does this is the man that would resent a baby due to not being the centre of your attention. He's the most important and you're there to bolster that.

I'm not convinced its necessarily this - maybe he just doesn't like dogs (which I know is unthinkable to lots of people).

I really wouldn't want to live with 2 large dogs, however I wouldn't get involved with someone who had them.

He shouldn’t have lied about liking them until the OP was committed, then, should he? And then start on at her to get rid of them. He’s misled her however you frame it, and about something so important to her.

I'm going to go against the grain and recommend lying IF you really really want a child. You say time is running out - both in terms of your remaining fertility years (and in terms of the lifespan of your dogs). And of course there is no guarantee that you will meet someone else in time to have a relationship that leads to a child.

So if you really want a child and are prepared to be a single mother, say you will 'rehome' the dogs if and when you give birth. Dogs may no longer be with you then as they are in advanced years. At such point, either start your life as a single mother with your dogs. Or if the dogs have passed, consider whether you want to continue with the relationship.

Yes, I know it's appalling advice to say to lie - but a) just how badly do you want a child, b) are you prepared to go it alone, and c) are you prepared to deceive your partner about the dogs/your intentions to conceive?

I am embarrassed to type this up but hey

I think what he’s saying is if you have a baby he is worried YOU won’t have enough time to look after the baby and the dog and he might have to actually do something.
Do not have a baby with him, don’t rehome your poor dogs.
This man is a manipulative liar, if you get pregnant and have a newborn you will be vulnerable and he’ll use that to wear you down to get rid of the dogs.
You should make plans to split up

Just to give you a heads up....

It is hard work having kids and dogs. I have 2 energetic breed dogs (think traditional working breeds), dogs are 5&6 and then two young kids (1&3). It is exhausting at times, it limits things, you have less time together, when other people have family time one of you is out with the dogs etc.

We are lucky that the dogs and kids adore each other but be under no illusion that it isn't far more work.

That being said, you need to speak to your partner, the dogs are not going anywhere, this is a red line please stop asking. If it comes down to a decision it will be them.