AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

[Forest28]

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

@ThatBlackCatI believe she said they are roughly Lab size. Not the breeds

No, they are a cross of common family pets. Think along the lines of labrador or retriever.

Lab size is just a medium dog.

But anyway he has let you up the garden path.

What’s the way forward now though. You are both signed on the tenancy so both liable. Of course you can end the tenancy but you’re going to need to find a new dog friendly place in 2 months. If you end the relationship that is.

He says he likes them and one recent argument was that he is upset I'm accusing him of not liking them. I said you don't interact with them. He's a cat person, so maybe he just doesn't get the difference, but I'm not seeing any signs of affection.

If I was dating, someone who loves dogs would be a huge green flag, and nothing but a pleasure to take on. Get a boyfriend who enjoys what you enjoy. I think if you got rid of your dogs, you'd end up hating him for it down the line, I know I would.

I think it may be difficult to conceive, or take time, so that also plays into my feeling that we don't need to preemptively do anything.

I work remotely.

I don't think you're listening @Forest28 you just keep replying with a bit more info each time. You've seen he's an unreasonable tosser but are unlikely to ditch him. You're responsible for your continued anguish. Good luck for those poor dogs who are really the ones in the middle of this.

Interesting that he was fine with them until you moved in together, now he wants them gone. You've also moved away from friends but he is in his familiar area.

Do you accept that you have known for many months now. You’ve been trying to change him. He’s been trying to change you.

Stalemate.

It is over

Do they steal food, beg, jump on furniture and people? Are they ill mannered but friendly like a lot of dogs?

Now you are coming across as stupid OP and I'm sure you are not.

If someone says they like something but then refuses to talk to, touch or have in the same room as them and now actively trying to get rid - would you not think liar, liar, pants on fire?

What else is he lying to you about? How can you trust someone who is such a bare faced liar?

I would also be thinking about how he is treating them when you are not around especially since this man is abusing you emotionally and coercively right now. Did you not read about that woman who lost it and stabbed her "partner" when he put her two dogs down, what is to stop yours from doing the same? Could you cope if your dogs died at his hands? So much easier and quicker to pts or dump miles away under the pretence of they ran away rather than wait for you to rehome.

Get out now. Go back to your family and friends. Do the Freedom Programme. Use a sperm donor.

It’s not because he’s a cat person. It’s because what he’s saying is directly at odds with what you can see. He is gaslighting you. He’s not a good man, he’s controlling and manipulating you while lying to your face.

You don't ask for dogs to be excluded from every room you use if you like dogs. He can SAY he likes dogs till the cows come home, but actions speak louder than words.
Come on OP, you know this, you just don't want to accept it.
Are you happy that your dogs have to be shut away from you? It's definitely not what happened before you moved in with him. They're being punished for existing.

Such a difficult situation.

I’m really not a dog person so I would never enter a relationship with someone who had dogs so he was stupid to pursue it with you and get serious when he knew how much dogs meant to you.

Mind you…… if I really, really clicked with someone I would find it hard to walk away from them just because they had dogs. Maybe he assumed that you would always chose a loving relationship over pets if push came to shove? Or maybe he didn’t realise how long they would live for?

So I can kind of understand why he stuck around as everyone knows pets don’t last forever whereas he has been hoping your relationship would.

I’m assuming you probably turned a blind eye to how much he disliked them in the hope he’d come around? He obviously tolerates them at best?

One adult tolerating them may be manageable when the other adult loves them and is able to look after them, but the reality is that if a baby comes on the scene the majority of the dog care is going to fall to your partner, and he obviously doesn’t want that.

As most women on here know, when a baby comes along you barely have the energy, inclination or time to look after yourself, never mind two large dogs.

I can see both sides of the argument and I feel for both of you.

He shouldn’t be expected to step up and take on the care for two big dogs he doesn’t like….. but he shouldn’t have allowed things to get this far….but then neither should you.

Realistically I think the baby plans will have to go on hold until the dogs are no longer with you. If he is forced into a role of main dog-carer if you do have a baby that is going to cause so much resentment and having a baby puts so much pressure on a relationship anyway, that bringing added resentment into the mix could potentially be a disaster and lead to a complete breakdown of the relationship.

But the question is, is he prepared to wait?

Sympathies to you OP - it sounds really difficult.

You would if they are ill mannered and have no boundaries. OP won't answer questions about their training and behaviour.

I think it makes sense that after a week of living full time with them and seeing things won't change, he said there is no way we can have a baby while these feral dogs are around and I dont want them in the same room as me if you refuse to train them.

Yes, you can tell you don't care for dogs by the way you describe them. So cold.

What??

How have I described them?

I don’t believe I have described dogs in any way?

He stayed at her place several times, including a three week period, cuddling the dogs on her sofa every night.

It's not about the dogs. It's about his behaviour which is coming across as manipulative, isolating and controlling.

But your views on the breed are irrelevant! @Forest28 had had these dogs for years and was very up front with her partner they were part of the deal, so if he couldn’t do it because of the breed he shouldn’t have faked her into leaving her area then tell her they have to go.

@Forest28 I’m so sorry. This isn’t bout the dogs per se, he is a controlling mad who thinks he can make you do something. I suspect he doesn’t like that the dogs take attention away from him, imagine how he’d be with em you have a baby and your focus is on them.

Im really sorry but for your own sake this one needs to go, he isn’t a good one and you aren’t a team.

he lied to op. he dated her knowing that she had two large dogs - op has already said that she was very clear about this in her dating profile.

he had no problem with the dogs when he was visiting and staying with op. he had no problem finding and signing up for their current rental house which needed to specifically accommodate her dogs.

then a week after she moves in, he changes his tune and says the dogs have got to go. he's lied to op and is now trying to strongarm her into getting rid of her dogs. he thinks he's in a stronger position now that she's moved in with him and away from her friends and family, which is why he's now come clean and confessed that he never liked her dogs from day one and was put off by them being in her dating profile.

that's not a nice man - he's untrustworthy. if he lies about this, what else is he prepared to lie about? i wouldn't rehome my dogs for him. i wouldn't be having a baby with him either. i'd be moving out and blocking the lying shithead.

OK, how you described their existence and life span. You're showing more empathy to the unreasonable man.

Because I acknowledged that animals pass
away that means I’m cold hearted?

Everything on this earth has a life span. You are aware that nothing lives forever? Including dogs?

I’m pretty sure that even vets, who I imagine are pretty fond of most animals, will still acknowledge they all have a life span.

As I thought. Your partner of 2 years feels that it was right to lie to you about something that is fundamental to your values - your dogs.

That is a huge red flag, OP.

If you want this relationship to continue, then you must make it clear that you won't be rehoming the dogs, and that the discussion is over, and you must resolve his lies about his true feelings about them. Are you comfortable going forward with a man who would lie like this to your face?

Yeah thats different to moving in together to start on things like a family. I also doubt the OP because she won't answer pointed questions about some things like their manners but then volunteers other information like the supposed cuddles later. I think these dogs are very unruly and untrained and that is the whole issue.