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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say my dogs were always part of the package deal of dating me?

1000 replies

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:14

I've had my dogs for around 6/7 years. I got them with a previous partner. When that relationship failed, I took on both. They are large breed dogs, and as puppies were a lot of work, but they spend most of their time asleep these days. When dating, it became clear that many men had an issue with the dogs, both from a "you care about something other than me" perspective and a "this is an unwelcome psychological connection with your past relationship" perspective. I was disturbed by how many men expected me to just throw them out.

I'm in a new relationship of nearly two years and it's been going very well. He seemed to accept the dogs, but as soon as we moved in together, he started with the rehome the dogs pressure. I've done everything I can: I pay for all food, vet visits, insurance and kennels. They have a large dog-gated area in the house so they don't come into our lounge or bedroom. I do most of the walks, all feeding and all toilet breaks. I work from home so I keep them active in the day. We pay for a weekly cleaner. I pay for expensive regular shaves and baths. I have a dog sitter on standby.

The latest thing is that we're planning to try for a baby and he's become obsessed with rehoming the dogs in case we can't cope with a newborn and dogs. He wants to rehome them now even though I'm not even pregnant. In any case, I have no intention of rehoming them. It seems like we're at a stalemate and I'm exhausted by it.

AIBU to say I love my pets, I'm responsible for them and he knew when we met that I would never get rid of them? I'm especially not going to entertain this conversation when it's entirely theoretical. We don't know if we can have kids and we don't know what the dynamic will be if we do. I feel it's just because he doesn't like dogs, which he says is unfair and untrue. I think it is true.

OP posts:
Loulou4022 · 31/05/2026 09:41

Sounds like you are not compatible! Hubs and I had a conversation very early on about cats. I recall him hesitantly asking where did I think cats should sleep? My response was on the bed, where else would they sleep? And the smile that spread acoss his face was unreal!

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:42

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:34

Normally I'd agree, but I'm at the age where we don't have time to wait.

Hm, so potentially your two dogs are going to lead to you not having a baby…?

Wouldnt be me.

ClaredeBear · 31/05/2026 09:42

Gosh, I can understand this as a dog lover who prefers smaller dogs but he’s not being at all fair here and he’s obviously expected that you’d eventually get them rehomed all this time! I don’t think he’s right for you really and I wonder how much relief you’d feel if he just left you with the dogs now. I’m sorry because I’m sure you thought you had this planned out and I can see from your posts that you’re worried about your fertility, which is an added complication. Have you asked him for a chat at a time when he’s not stressy about the dogs? I’m sure youve said everything there is to be said but I wondered if taking control of the discussion and setting down your parameters - and reminding him that dogs don’t live forever - would help. I can imagine that, as you say, this is very exhausting, so perhaps setting everything out and telling him you will no longer communicate on the subject of rehoming the dogs might encourage him to move on because at the moment it sounds as if you might be giving him hope by continuing to appeal to his better nature.

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:42

Thundertoast · 31/05/2026 09:20

Can you explain more about these discussions, because im a bit confused how you got to the point of planning for a baby if he's repeatedly asking you this and you are saying no. If you were trying to be objective, do your dogs have any behavioural issues that cause him concern?

I'd say the main concern is just they will add more work to the household. Possibly he thinks he will have to temporarily do more for them, which as he currently does almost nothing, wouldn't be a huge ask.

OP posts:
HortiGal · 31/05/2026 09:43

Absolutely no way would I have anyone dictate where in the house my dogs could go and pressure me to rehome.
Id end this relationship, he sounds horrible, poor dogs shut away and not allowed in the lounge, they were here first.

AltitudeCheck · 31/05/2026 09:43

I'd be looking to rehome him!

I couldn't be long term compatible with someone who thinks you can just give your dogs away when they might not fit your lifestyle. I also think it says something about his sense of loyalty, responsibility, how he deeply (or not) he forms attachments and how quickly he can detach and walk away when things don't suit him.

Not characteristics I'd want in a potential father/ life partner.

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:43

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:26

why does it matter re how many dogs and what breed will be around a newborn? Oh dear

I mean to be fair if she was talking about two XL bullies i wouldn’t be saying he was unreasonable (I know they are not, but I’m just saying I do think the breed is somewhat relevant)

Genevieva · 31/05/2026 09:44

BashthatTerriesorange · 31/05/2026 09:38

Marriage is only a financial benefit to the woman if the man is, and remains, a significant higher earner/ has significantly higher assets AND is not in a position to hide those assets/income on divorce.

Too often marriage is touted as this great financial safety net for women but each women really needs to look into whether this will be true in the circumstances of her own situation and partner. Certainly no woman should assume she is financially safe thanks to marriage alone.

Anyway, it’s all moot as OP has said she does not want to marry.

We see the opposite on here all the time. Thr mother takes an earnings hit to be available for thr children. The mother spends more of her income on the children’s needs (clothes as they grow, activities etc) as well as the home (food, furnishings). The mother does the bulk of the unpaid work around the house (cooking, cleaning). Then the father walks off with all his savings, his higher income and and his intact CV, leaving her struggling to make ends meet and support young children. If they were married she’d get half the savings, half the house (if owned), half the pension accumulated during the marriage, etc.

HortiGal · 31/05/2026 09:45

@HedgehogsOnTheWall you think having her dogs for 7+ years she should just get rid because a man says so??
You take on a pet you commit for their lifetime not until
your latest man demands you get rid.

nam3c4ang3 · 31/05/2026 09:46

Sorry - the fact he is pressuring you to get rid of them would be a red flag for me - why are you contemplating a baby with this awful man? He’s showing you who he is - believe him and leave. Your poor dogs!

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:46

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:40

And you’d crack on with someone you do not really seem that fond of?

We love each other and the relationship is otherwise very compatible and healthy. He would be a great dad. We said it ourselves, this is the only point we ever have tension over. Maybe it's something we can't overcome, but I don't know.

OP posts:
ClaredeBear · 31/05/2026 09:46

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:42

Hm, so potentially your two dogs are going to lead to you not having a baby…?

Wouldnt be me.

The bigger picture stuff here is that OP might settle for someone unsuited to her.

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:47

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:43

I mean to be fair if she was talking about two XL bullies i wouldn’t be saying he was unreasonable (I know they are not, but I’m just saying I do think the breed is somewhat relevant)

That is precisely my point @ShillyShallySally

dewne · 31/05/2026 09:47

The dogs do sound bloody awful

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:47

ClaredeBear · 31/05/2026 09:46

The bigger picture stuff here is that OP might settle for someone unsuited to her.

I’m not saying she should necessarily have a baby with this guy. But it’s interesting that the dogs are the reason that it’s not happening for her…

JLou08 · 31/05/2026 09:47

I wouldn't want to live with dogs, so I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who had dogs. He knew what he was signing up for. I'd reconsider having a baby with him. If the pressure is already on now, he may go to great lengths to try and demonstrate they are not compatible with the baby. That will be the last thing you need to be dealing with when pregnant or a new mum. I'd also question if he will change his mind about being a parent once the reality of having a baby that creates noise, mess and takes attention away from him is here.

OriginalSkang · 31/05/2026 09:48

You're not being unreasonable at all. I agree that it sounds like he just doesn't want to live with the dogs, but he always knew you had them

I would never rehome my cats for anyone

dewne · 31/05/2026 09:48

Agree with @Genevieva

ShillyShallySally · 31/05/2026 09:48

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:47

That is precisely my point @ShillyShallySally

Yes I see that now 🫣 apologies

Monty36 · 31/05/2026 09:48

You are not being unreasonable in already having the dogs and they being very much a feature in your life before meeting your new man.
But I can see why they are troublesome for your new man when considering a baby.
Two big dogs and a small baby ( breed not entirely disclosed ) for me personally don’t go well together. Unless ; you have an enormous house and garden. But often people don’t. Unless ; they are very and I do mean very well trained. Which often they sadly are not. There should be no need to cordon off any area of the house.
And very regular bathing is paramount. Or the house will take on the doggy smell many owners become oblivious to.
Any breed mix cannot be a mix with any part of it a not entirely safe breed around a baby. At all.
I can see why your other half is concerned.
The work for you with the dogs will fall to your other half.

SockPlant · 31/05/2026 09:48

you're not compatible. Maybe a relationship where you don't live together would work, but i doubt it.

Do not even think about trying for a baby with this man.

Ricequark · 31/05/2026 09:48

Forest28 · 31/05/2026 09:46

We love each other and the relationship is otherwise very compatible and healthy. He would be a great dad. We said it ourselves, this is the only point we ever have tension over. Maybe it's something we can't overcome, but I don't know.

Don’t even consider starting TTC until you have resolved this issue either way

Seems to me like your bio clock is deafening and you’re about to have a baby with someone you are fundamentally not compatible with given how important your dogs are to you

Stoicandhappy · 31/05/2026 09:48

I would also make it clear that when I no longer had my current dogs, I would be getting more.

SixLeggedSugarBug · 31/05/2026 09:48

My husband doesn’t like dogs, I had a dog when we met. Six years down the line and three years married we are finally going to live together because my dog has passed from old age.

Getting rid of my dog was never an option.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 31/05/2026 09:49

dewne · 31/05/2026 09:47

The dogs do sound bloody awful

How have you come to that conclusion?

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