to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

[teaandaflorentineplease]

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

And DD went back into year 6 ahead in most subjects, and finally with some experience of friendships made in home education groups after horrendous bullying at school, where she had no friends before we pulled her out at the start of Y4 (something we should have done much, much earlier). I appreciate you are coming from a place of experience, but I am surprised because it is very different from my own. DD easily got into the local grammar school without hot housing for the test (her choice - year 6 was a planned transition between Home Ed and the grammar, which she wanted to try). But it took her most of a year to recover from the damage primary school had done to her mental health, confidence and self esteem. I would absolutely recommend home education to parents prepared and able to make the effort to do it properly.

If you think it’s best for your child, crack on and politely ignore the opinions of others. You will need to grow a thicker skin though, because most people do have opinions on home education - it’s not the norm and often it’s not clear what a child is actually gaining from the experience.

I’m a senior manager in education and my opinion is that home ed can be beneficial for children with complex needs who aren’t currently adequately served by the education system.

Otherwise, in my experience (anecdotal, but based on years and years of observations) the downsides often outweigh the benefits for most children. Our society is already an increasingly isolated, online based one for children and young people. The opportunity to socialise and learn with other children is one I would be very careful about shutting off for my child.

I also think very often the choice to home educate is far more about the parents’ anxieties and issues than actually meeting the child’s needs (or the state of the education system).

I am an experienced teacher. You are lucky to know people who actually care enough about you to tell you the honest truth- in most cases, home education is a terrible idea. Of course, there are exceptional cases, many of which occur in the saddest of circumstances, when home education is necessary.

In my professional and personal experience, there are too many children who are being homeschooled just to suit their parents, or their parents' views, but at great harm to their personal and social development (as well as academic too of course.)
I know we live in an era in which it is acceptable to ignore the views of experts, but teachers are experts in education, and you would do well to listen to your expert friends.

Oh look another smug judgemental comment, "jealous because they can't home educate or won't" Bore off.

Ah spell check or human error. Calm down. You should see when kids ask me for help spelling a word sometimes. My spellings bloody awful!

Imagine I spend a lot of time supporting a child from under a table, off the window, following about outside or clearing up a trashed classroom. Then moan about my possessive punctuation.

I am glad your daughter is doing well. That is fantastic. Yours sounds like just like the exceptional type of case when a spell of home school is a good idea; I disagree with your last line about recommending home school in general to all parents. I have seen too many children taken out of school and home educated due to their parents' unfounded anxieties.

I’m so surprised at the percentages here, but then again maybe not that surprised too. I send my kids to school but have a lot of friends who home educate for a variety of reasons, and it works really well for them. A lot of things about it appeal to me too. Sounds like you’re gone with your gut which is a great decision. A lot of people saying “why the rush, only one” but if you’ve made an informed decision it’s clearly something you’ve put a lot of thought into and are preparing for. You do have to think of these things in advance too because nursery, preschool, are the precursor to school in whatever form that takes so you are not daft for thinking steps ahead. And if you decide at school age to switch you always can. I think your friends are being pains in the arse and you’d be well within your rights to ask them to just leave it; maybe just explain to them when things are good how you’re feeling and how you’d like them to give it a break and I’m sure they’ll understand. I do think a lot of people love to moan about the state of this and that, but when things are on the line suddenly things are seen in a more grateful perspective (NHS jumps to mind). Our experience of school, while things have become harder according to teachers (behaviour, management, education tech, tech) it’s still been very positive so I’m sure if you ever did want to change your mind all would be fine, but also support you in your decision if it’s right for you and your family. Home Ed, like school, isn’t perfect and is hard, but that’s the same with school, and there are so many wonderful things about it. Good on you.

I find it really telling that you are insistent that HE is absolutely the best thing for your child, and yet you’re obviously working at the moment. Isn’t that a bit of a contradiction? No one can properly educate your child when they turn 5 but others can do the most important part of raising a child - giving them the best start in life?
I’m a teacher. I suggest you really study the EYFS curriculum and visit a few schools locally to get a true feel of their EYFS provision. In my school, all EYFS learning is play based, continuous provision is closely linked to the children’s interests, they have free access to our Forest school and are supported by several highly experienced staff. It really is a nurturing environment. Once you’ve got a true feel for schools, then revisit your decision, but it’s important that your DC is also involved in this process. After all, if you truly believe in self learning, he needs to know what the choices are.

You've made a controversial choice. You're going to get comments made. You didn't need to mention it to them, given that it's 2 or 3 years away but since you have, they clearly think it's a discussion able to be had.

It's a daft idea. Not surprised your teacher friends disapprove.

Thank you. Grammar was a struggle due to her ND, but the school were very supportive and allowed her to go part time (plus other adjustments), which worked well. My last line which you disagreed with wasn't recommending it to all parents, but to all parents prepared to put in the effort and do it properly. I completely accept that it isn't the right choice for everyone.

If this were my child, I’d be wary of making vastly important life choices for them before they can even tell you if it’s what they want.

I’d be absolutely raging if I grew up home educated without having had any say in the decision whatsoever.

We can only wonder what you taught your children..

I don’t understand (and this isn’t solely aimed at you) why so many think it’s outrageous that I feel that HE is a good fit for our family because my child is still a toddler but people who don’t know me, my child, or or local provision feel insistent that school is where my child should go at the age of four. I don’t see anything wrong with making a positive choice to HE, rather than it being a response to a negative school experience. I obviously wouldn’t continue HE if it weren’t in my child’s best interests and I’m not opposed to schools and I don’t think they’re bad places. I simply have reservations about the current school system and think HE is the right choice. My concern isn’t EYFS which is play based, but the shift to Year 1 and the years beyond. I think that given I know the issues I have with that at this point, and how I know the local academy trust has an academic Y1 from friends who’ve worked in the school, it seems more disruptive to put my child in school for a year only, than to HE from the start.

People are saying I’m not taking things on board and I’m being too rigid but I’ve said several times that we’re open to schools later down the line, and that my first choice would have been flexi schooling. I’ve said that at school application age I will tour schools. There’s not much more I can say at this age other than HE is my first choice. I didn’t come on here to discuss whether HE should be my first choice. Nobody has said that my friend who said that she would be sending her one year old to the local school when the time comes is being rigid in thinking and closed minded and should keep their options open.

Continuous provision in year 1 isn't the same as fully play based, year 2 is unlikely to be play based at all and they are still going to be teaching reading and writing years too early.

They may also have job sharing teachers, or a revolving door or teachers, due to budget and staff shortages. And be coping with several children with behavioural and learning difficulties who disrupt the class on a regular basis - all things that primaries near me have in some classes.

While I don't think UK primaries are terrible they aren't great because what they have to teach when, and the resources they have to do it with aren't great.

I have to make a choice how to educate my child. Given education starts from 4, that’s too young for the children to be making informed choices. Like the decisions I make on health, diet, where we live, what hobbies we do, my husband I just have to make the choices that we feel are in our child’s best interest and hope that in time my child agrees, as does every parent.

Why all the negativity about it being 'too early' for OP to have made the choice to home educate? She has asked if HE is a good choice, just how to handle other people's reactions.

I am generally against home education but still think OP has gone about it the right way. In order to HE properly, one parent would ideally not be working so they can devote their time to the child. In order to be able to afford that and be comfortable financially whilst doing it, pay bills and have as good a pension as possible OP needs to be saving while she can. She might change her mind on HE or she might not but she is putting measures in place that the family won't be forced to make a choice they aren't comfortable with (sending the child to school) just for financial reasons. She is fortunate and forward thinking to plan this early.

You're not wrong to be upset OP and to notice the contradictions in the messages but it almost certainly comes from a position of defensiveness - i.e. it's more about them than you. Plenty of other countries don't start proper education until about 7, it's all play based until then and what an amazing start to life for your child to start their learning journey having fun with his/her parents! From the sound it you'll make sure there's plenty of age-appropriate and child-appropriate socialising built in too.

My main feeling about people who home ed at a young age is 'I wish I could have afforded to do that' but in fact I did a little as one of my children was reception age during lockdown. It was so much fun! And my older child benefited from being home with me too then and I identified massive gaps in her learning from school and was able to fix them. Of course this was only possible as I wasn't working - as it was a full time job in itself. But it was fun too.

I do know quite a few families who have chosen to home ed only once mainstream school has caused immense trauma in their children. I think taking a bit more time - if parents can afford it (many can't) - to home ed and build love of learning and resilience in those early years is absolutely worth it if you can. In short, I think you're making the right decision OP. We start formal education too early in this country, but it's all about getting parents back to work really. Not what's best for the children.

Thank you so much for your comment because this seems far more in line with the HE families in my area than the warnings of my child having no social life on here. I’m glad that it worked well for you and that your daughter was able to fit right back in (and sorry she had such an awful experience before).

You keep talking about how important play is, but you needed a nursery to show you how your child could play. Doesn't that concern you? How does that give you any confidence that you can educate her through play?

How odd.

I know of several home ed families (mine included, my daughter is SEN and mainstream isn’t good at accommodating that) where all of the children took their GCSE’s early, and several of them are now at university.

What I find most baffling is the decision to work now and put your child in nursery and then prioritise time with them once they are school age. These early years are critical and if you have the option to not work for a chunk of time, these are the years where parental input will make the most difference long term.

My dc are older. I was at home with both of them until they started school (even when they went to pre school - term time only from age 3, mornings only).

Those years are the time when you can absolutely pour into your children - reading, music, outings etc. Zero pressure. The first 5 years are critical and it seems utterly bizarre to me that a parent who is thinking so carefully about the primary years wouldn’t be prioritising the here and now.

Lots of people choose nursery because they have to work. If not working is an option it seems crackers not to make the most of the child you have right now.

I agree with pp that a child who is used to (almost full time?!) nursery will likely not switch to the very different social pace of HE anyway.

I taught her the Y5 and Y6 curriculum, (which is published on the internet) supplemented by daily group activities aimed at home educated kids, e.g forest school, orchestra, canoe club, choir, gymnastics and a home ed play group designed to replicate break and lunch times. She passed the 11+ so attended the local grammar for secondary. This was difficult due to her ND and it was touch and go at times (she was part time for most of it), but she made it out with very good results and is now at college. But she was in a very bad way after early primary, medicated for MH issues from age 8. Home education saved her. It's why I'm massively supportive of it, as long as it is done properly.

My dn was home educated. He’s a very sociable, mature and thoughtful young man, at university now and doing very well.
My other dn, different parents, was in school and bullied constantly for 3 years. He’s now very ill mentally and struggles to cope with life.

There’s no right or wrong decision about school or home ed, it depends on the circumstances and the child.

It seems a shame, when your child is so young, that you have decided not to find out if your child is one of those who thrives in school.

But most people never "find out" whether their child might be one of those who thrives on Home Ed! It is a broad as it is long.

Most children go to school - some thrive, some don't. Some children are home educated - some thrive, some do not.

It is no different at all.