to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

[teaandaflorentineplease]

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

I often hear this the other way round, those home educating are absolutely evangelical about it, and can’t believe that there might possibly be some positive things about attending school, that we are all ‘sheep’ missing some amazing life hack 🙄 It’s very tedious. Life isn’t black and white.

Oh come on…! Any reasonably educated adult could definitely teach the early curriculum to ONE child, to say they couldn’t is ridiculous. The OP is only teaching their own child, not launching into teaching a class of 30 with no experience.

OP the best revenge is living well 😀 We had our own detractors at the start, but after my then 2 year old started reading confidently to them then they soon changed the subject. Have been home educating for many years now. It is hard work at times, of course it is! It’s a great lifestyle though.

There's more to school than learning it's socialising and meeting all sorts of different children and teachers. It's a huge endeavour to try to replicate all of that while home educating even if you are capable of doing the actual teaching which many home educators aren't. I can see why your teacher friends are concerned for your child. You do what you want but people will have opinions. And as said your baby is only one, after the toddler stage you may not think it will be so easy.

Your friends should let you do what's right for you without judging. Teachers love to moan about their job in my experience, it is the absolute worst job ever, the stress, the system is broken etc but like any profession, they don't want amateurs thinking they can do it better, which is what you're doing in effect? I don't think you can expect them to be pleased exactly.
I hope you haven't let them influence you against school with their venting about work. Most kids do well at school. The social aspect of school is very important as well as the learning. Early years primary isn't really "learning at a desk" much at all. Your child is only one, you don't have to decide for years yet how you will educate them.

I work in education. I absolutely believe if you have the choice do what works for you. I would have absolutely loved to have done it now I’ve seen how it can be done.

Education needs a massive overhaul to suit everyone. It’s not even close at the moment. It’s not about every child. Academy’s can be brilliant but they can be completely self serving.

Im not sure everyone on this thread actually understands how HE works.

Yeah. That sounds a bit of a nuclear option at this stage - although I understand you are feeling hurt by your friends apparent rejection of your decision. I would suggest (and this is meant kindly) that if you don't like what you have seen so far, then you may have been looking at the wrong schools. There isn't one school for every child - you need to find the right school for your child. That may involve moving - but you sound like parents who would be prepared to do that? There are some FANTASTIC schools out there, where your little one would, I'm sure, thrive. You just need to find the right one for your family. Good luck.

I would just say you are open to all options for now and who knows what will be right in a few years… and in any case what is right can change multiple times throughout your life anyway. But you sound a little smug at the moment though… your post sounds a bit ‘school is for the little people ‘ and I think you are fooling yourself if you think you can solely replicate a full set of specialist teachers and that might be coming across in real life also so I’d think if you might be coming across like that. We considered home ed for a while when our eldest was young… he has SEN that wasn’t being effectively dealt with at primary. But in the end, even though dh has a PhD in the sciences and I gave a masters in a humanities field we decided we’re were not equipped with the required expertise.

I would also say link in with home ed groups in your area. You have some years where you can get a feel for what it’s like on the ground so to speak before you actually need to decide.

Not sure why you are even mentioning it.

I would see how your dc goes. If they go to nursery or forest nursery etc they may thrive in that environment and enjoy having friends and the structure of it. One is too early to make a final decision and if home ed is right then all well and good. I know one of my dc absolutely loved school and had so many opportunities. My other dc probably would have liked the early years being homeschooled. I would wait and see.

https://www.newforestsmallschool.com/

We home ed our kids and made our decision to do so when they were babies. People can be very judgemental, but remember, most of the time when people are being critical, it is because they feel threatened. Some people will read your choice to home ed as a criticism of them and their choices. My advice would be to avoid the topic as much as possible and really try not to be critical of schools or what their choices are. Change the subject. I would also suggest starting to reach out to the home ed community. We tend to socialise as families, so there are people with babies and toddlers about.
Just to answer a few points from the thread: I am sorry if people used to find home ed isolating and problematic, however home ed has changed massively in recent years. There are tons of us now and social meets are common. We can join a group every day of the week, if we choose. This increase in numbers also means that educational resources and provision has greatly increased. Please don't judge home ed in 2026 by what it was like, even 10 years ago.
A second point is to ask why the OP should not have made a choice about home ed yet? If she was planning to send her child to school, it would not be surprising to make that choice now - why should this be different? Surely either way it will depend on the family set up and personalities at that time?
Finally, the most common occupation of home edders that I know - are ex-teachers.

If you cannot see why teachers are not in favour of homeschooling children, you probably do not have the critical thinking skills required to home school your child at all well.

I think it is a topic you will need to avoid to maintain friendships with your teacher friends OP. It is a bit like telling your GP friends that you aren't going to vaccinate your child. No pleasant or useful discussion will ensue. This might be a really good time to grow your social circle to encompass other home ed parents.

I still see plenty of my friends who don't have children but my child based friendships very much veered in the direction of the primary school my DC attended. You are in the same boat and I very much still rely on that circle for advice or a sounding board if required.

My experience of home Ed is that groups are often available to provide social opportunities for both adults and children and you might get a more supportive audience there.

There is also a massive difference between a 'good' school as a teacher and as a parent. What frustrates teachers has very little impact on most kids enjoyment or learning and it was only after I became a parent that I realised how important some aspects of school life are to kids that I had previously found an irritating distraction/addition to my workload. I'm not promoting the concept of school here- you must do what you think is right on that issue- but it is more like working in Waitrose vs shopping there: as a customer you are unaffected by disagreements about how/when the shelves are stacked/zero contract hours/shift patterns. School is more like this than people think. The system can be very difficult to work in but the consumer can do very well. The views of your teacher friends might be influenced by this and I don't think you will change their viewpoint. Find some like minded souls OP.

You are lucky you can choose not to work in the future and for many years ahead.

This is what your friends are hearing.

How utterly bizarre to be having those conversations then your child is only one.

It’s a shame flexi-schooling isn’t supported where you are, although that may change by the time your child is school age. I flexi-school DD1 one day a week, so she’s in school four days and home one, and it’s worked really well for us as she gets the benefits of being at school but an extra day at home for us to pursue some of her interests in a more targeted way.

It might be worth making enquiries with the local authority asking for their policy or if they have any plans to introduce.

I an in Scotland but I would say that the first couple of years at least are sort of a continuation of nursery/preschool in many ways. It’s very play-based, they aren’t really sitting at desks much, DD1 moves around the space to different activities, they have play areas, story corners, quiet corners, free access to books and crafts and things. It’s not sitting down at desks for hours and repeating times tables these days.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it.

If you're happy with your decision and don't want to get into a debate about it...what do you want? 🙄

And why post under AIBU?

I think home ed is still seen as fringey and weird by many even though the numbers have massively increased. You’ve got to do what’s right for your child and family and not worry about others. If you don’t make it a big deal neither will your friends but if you go on about it all the time it will be annoying.

I think that the solution to an education system facing significant challenges is not for everyone to home educate instead. It’s clearly not a choice that the majority can make, for obvious financial reasons. So perhaps that might explain the apparent contradiction between what your teacher friends have said in the past about the education system and their change of focus now that you are talking about home education.

I also wonder if some of the inaccuracies in your explanation of your decision making has provoked the apparent criticism in response. 5 year olds don’t sit at desks in rows in a typical state primary school. Reception and the early years curriculum is play based and that gradually shifts to more formal learning as the children progress through the school years.

Also, it’s odd to raise it at all when your child is one. I understand that one teacher friend mentioned that they will be in the same school year, so you felt you had to respond to it, but otherwise I wouldn’t be discussing education choices now. So much can change between now and aged 4, so your teacher friend assuming you’d both be applying to the same school is a bit presumptuous in itself.

I would just say what you want to say about how you’ve decided already on home education and you don’t want to discuss schools and education in relation to your child anymore. Good friends won’t be upset about that, surely?

far better than sitting at desks from age five

YABU

Don't blame your friend because this is not what state schools are like at all.

Also we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in
that's what most families who send their kids to school do.

Fair enough to PREFER to home school your own kids, but stick to actual facts, not your interpretation and sense of superiority and looking down at other parents when the kids experience has nothing to do with what you describe.

I'd agree with InfoSec here.

I wonder whether how you discuss it perhaps comes across as a bit dogmatic. If you're saying "this is what we're going to do", it could put some people's backs up. If you say, "At the moment, we're likely to home educate, but we'll think more about it nearer the time" then I reckon people are less likely to argue with you. Talking about it much when your child is very young can sometimes sound a bit arrogant as you don't really know whether you'll be in the financial situation to be able to afford it by the time your child is school age, and there could be any other number of reasons why it doesn't work out in practice.

We decided to home ed about a year before our first child was born, for multiple reasons but the primary one being that I used to be a teacher and no way wanted my children to go through that system. As it happened, we'd have had to home ed even if we'd not planned to due to both children having autism & severe separation anxiety.

Everyone gets negative comments about home edding but I got fewer than most because I think I give off "I'm confident in my parenting" vibes which deter people from pressing me too hard, plus being a teacher it's harder to argue with me about the benefits of school.

Home ed is great and I'd highly recommend it. My children are now 16 and 13 so we've been doing it for a reasonable while now.

your child is one year old, cross that bridge when you come to it! How have you asked your local school about flexi schooling when your child is 1, the heads and senior leaders might of changed by the time your child’s due to start and they may change their minds on flexi schooling.

I can honestly say I have never seen a school where the children start in reception and are sat at desks? Most reception classes don’t even have desks.

Also another poster who said having the luxury not to work will annoy people… yes, this, especially if the people you are speaking to are slogging away as teachers.

You can do whatever you think is best for your child now and in the future, but be prepared for things that may make you reevaluate later. You may have another child, or children. Your financial circumstances may change, your personal circumstances may change, so planning so far ahead isn’t always what will happen.

You are entitled to tell your friends you don’t wish to discuss your plans. They are entitled to tell you that things may change and point out some of the potential pitfalls. I don’t think it’s worth having an argument over.

Personally, I think home education is generally a bad decision unless your child is genuinely unable to cope with the demands of school due to SEN, mental health difficulties etc. So I totally get where your teacher friends are coming from.

I guess the real question is whether or not it is appropriate for them to share their views. One part of me thinks that it's polite to keep their opinions to themselves, no matter how batshit they might think you are. But then, on the other hand, I wonder if they might feel a professional obligation to voice their concerns in the best interests of your child, even if it does cross the boundary of what's "polite".

I do understand that home education is the only viable option for some families, but based on the home educating families that I have encountered over the years, it is usually only really desirable as a last resort - very few families seem to do it well, despite the best of intentions.