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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to tell teacher friends to stop with the negativity over our decision to home educate?

630 replies

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

OP posts:
BotterMon · 29/05/2026 18:03

Why on earth are you discussing education for a one year old? Batshit. So much can change between now and when your child is school age.

excitingselfreliant · 29/05/2026 18:03

teaandaflorentineplease · 29/05/2026 13:49

We’ve made the decision to home educate our child. Fulltime school isn’t right for our family, and I genuinely believe that play based, informal learning suits early childhood far better than sitting at desks from age five. I’d have been open to flexi-schooling if our local school allowed it, but they don’t so we’ve chosen home education.

What’s surprised me is the strength of the negative reaction from our teacher friends. These are people who regularly describe the state of education as dire. Dreadful behaviour, no funding, days spent on crowd control rather than actual teaching, children falling through the cracks, classrooms falling apart, pressure to hit their academies’ targets rather than do what’s best for the kids, they can’t even afford gluesticks. This insight into education from a teacher’s perspective has also informed my decision to home ed.

However when I said I was going to home educate, suddenly schools are wonderful and I’m making a terrible mistake. It started a few weeks ago when a teacher friend mentioned our children will be in the same class and since then the comments about how awful home ed is have kept coming. I’ve been shrugging it off to avoid an argument, but I’m getting increasingly frustrated. I’ve spent years validating how broken the system is, for both teachers and children, and yet the moment I choose to opt out of it, it becomes the only way to educate a child.

For context, my husband and I are both well-educated and take our child’s learning seriously. I feel comfortable teaching the early foundations like reading, writing and maths, and we plan to build projects around history, geography, science and whatever else our child shows an interest in. Beyond that, we haven’t planned anything because our child is still one. As we go through it, we’ll learn about what works for our family, and we’ll have seen how other home ed families approach things as children get older. We haven’t ruled out school further down the line either; it might turn out to be the right fit at some stage.

I’m not looking to convince anyone or get into a debate about home ed vs school. We’ve made our decision and we’re comfortable with it. I just find the contradiction so confusing and a bit hurtful. These are people who in some cases we’ve know for years, know how seriously we take our child’s wellbeing, and have spent years telling us the system is broken. I want to say firmly we’ve made a decision and we don’t want to hear anything else about it, but I also don’t want to lose long standing friends over it.

This reminds me of my brother, he was adamant his child wouldn’t be going to school and will be home schooled before they even entered the world… we just agreed and a silent we’ll see… 2 and half years later he reluctantly accepted child craved the experiences ‘school’ would give them and child is now in nursery a few mornings a week and thriving.

Admittedly I too have reflected back whether the home ed would have been a better option for my dc if I had the time again but I always come to the same conclusion, the school system isn’t prefect, it is dated and much improvement is needed however it did offer my dc things that are rarely considered.

its impossible to know age 1 if the school system is right for a child, but for now you have a plan and as long as you are willing to be flexible on this decision to meet your child’s needs which it sounds like you are. it’s ok to say thank you for your opinion and move on without a second thoughts. Your teacher friends aren’t trying to be hurtful. They are no doubt passionate about their roles in shaping children’s futures and their purpose wanting only what’s best, whereas they criticism of schools is more about the system and politics

katyb84 · 29/05/2026 18:05

I have three teacher friends who went on to have their own children and homeschooled as they know first hand what schools are like .

Nigglenaggle · 29/05/2026 18:06

It's hard to deal with OP, I know. Just remember that they know nothing about it. Also you have just rejected something they have spent their whole working life on, so really what you are seeing is their immediate reaction based on feeling hurt and rejected. If they really are friends then try and be kind and understanding and give them time. They are shocked and upset and it doesn't represent their considered opinion, in most cases. But also don't listen. Practice smiling and nodding 😁

Also haven't read the whole thread because I don't have the spoons and need to save my smiles and nods for people I know, but I suspect that you will have plenty of criticism here from people who also know nothing about it so sending sympathy xx (I can already hear the 'I do know! My third cousins friend home educated and I met their child once for 10 minutes and they are definitely doing the wrong thing!)

liverpoolnana · 29/05/2026 18:07

Sometimeswinning · 29/05/2026 14:20

I work in education. I absolutely believe if you have the choice do what works for you. I would have absolutely loved to have done it now I’ve seen how it can be done.

Education needs a massive overhaul to suit everyone. It’s not even close at the moment. It’s not about every child. Academy’s can be brilliant but they can be completely self serving.

Im not sure everyone on this thread actually understands how HE works.

'Academy's'? And you 'work in education?

nixon1976 · 29/05/2026 18:08

Up to you whether you home educate or not but I would highly advise visiting some schools before you make this decision! There are many many positives about attending school that go beyond an academic education.

The more concerning thing for me when it comes to HE is that it means one parent (usually the mother) gives up their career, and that, as we have been discussing on another thread, is in my mind pretty dicey. If you split up you not only have no career to support yourself, you're also unable to go back to a full time job as you are being relied upon by your child to provide their education. It's not easy to slip back into a mainstream school setting at the drop of a hat when a marriage falls apart.

I'd be really wary putting yourself in such a precarious position, whether you've frontloaded your pension or not...

Maraa · 29/05/2026 18:11

I work in an alternative provision and also help out at a home education group however my children are in mainstream.
The reason they are in mainstream is because it works for them. The children I work with, mainstream doesn’t work. Every child and situation is different. Whatever is best for your child, I hope it works out

Mondayschild96 · 29/05/2026 18:15

YANBU. I think your friends reaction is more likely to be more about them than you, a lot of people get very uncomfortable when other people make different choices to them as they feel like it's am implicit judgement on their own choices, so it can make them very defensive. It looks like the same thing is happening with some replies on this thread. Silly but that's human nature I suppose. Don't let it get you down. Home education can be a great choice for lots of families. One of my best friends from childhood was home educated and she's doing great now, she and her siblings all went to good unis and got good jobs, and they always had lots of friends growing up from home education groups and extra curriculars. I don't have school age kids yet but we'd certainly consider it if they were unhappy at school.

midJulytarget · 29/05/2026 18:16

The people I'd listen to most are the adults who were homeschooled themselves. None of us who weren't actually know the impact on a person's life over the long term.

I also wonder whether there will soon be more regular checks and maybe unplanned drop-ins by inspectors. I'm in a support group for survivors of child abuse, and it's not unheard of for some parents to do it so they can continue their abuse 24/7, and now there's a generation of kids who are old enough to tell the world more easily, because of the internet.

Not remotely linking that to the OP! Just to say that I predict there will be tighter accountability.

FasterMichelin · 29/05/2026 18:16

They were probably just moaning, it sounds like you took it too seriously.

I also don’t think you can say with any certainty whether you’re going to home educate given your child is 3 years away from starting reception year.

Your one year old now is easy to engage and manage - wait until they’re 4 and the tantrums escalate and their listening ears are suddenly non-existent - good luck with the learning!

Keep an open mind and stay neutral for now. As I said, there’s no way you can say you’ll home educate so early on in the journey of parenthood, a lot can change between now and then.

Seabubbles · 29/05/2026 18:18

Nigglenaggle · 29/05/2026 18:06

It's hard to deal with OP, I know. Just remember that they know nothing about it. Also you have just rejected something they have spent their whole working life on, so really what you are seeing is their immediate reaction based on feeling hurt and rejected. If they really are friends then try and be kind and understanding and give them time. They are shocked and upset and it doesn't represent their considered opinion, in most cases. But also don't listen. Practice smiling and nodding 😁

Also haven't read the whole thread because I don't have the spoons and need to save my smiles and nods for people I know, but I suspect that you will have plenty of criticism here from people who also know nothing about it so sending sympathy xx (I can already hear the 'I do know! My third cousins friend home educated and I met their child once for 10 minutes and they are definitely doing the wrong thing!)

You are condescending to the point of nausea.

FasterMichelin · 29/05/2026 18:18

Maraa · 29/05/2026 18:11

I work in an alternative provision and also help out at a home education group however my children are in mainstream.
The reason they are in mainstream is because it works for them. The children I work with, mainstream doesn’t work. Every child and situation is different. Whatever is best for your child, I hope it works out

This is a good point. A lot of children have diagnosed SEN now and SEN provision is crap so lots are pushed into home education. It may or may not work for your child, it’s too early to know at 1yrs.

Seabubbles · 29/05/2026 18:19

liverpoolnana · 29/05/2026 18:07

'Academy's'? And you 'work in education?

Did you feel really big and clever after that snide comment. Well done 👏

sunshine244 · 29/05/2026 18:20

I'm a forest school teacher and it amazes me how many people think that popping their child in forest school/ beach school/farm school type settings is comparable with normal school.

In theory the whole curriculum can be taught outdoors with FS and there are some great resources for e.g. literacy outdoors or maths outdoors. But by far the vast majority of FS providers are only offering pretty standard outdoor learning. Now that has absolutley massive positive benefits for so many aspects - physical and mental health, teamwork, skills development etc but very very few FS actually teach any general curriculum aspects and most aren't led by qualified teachers either. Ironically the ones I know of that do are all part of schools.

My kids attend a science club and therr are several home schooling kids at it. But it's not an equivalent to the sorts of things they learn at school science. Much more aimed at entertainment.

So you could have a whole diary of classes and assime it's covering stuff it isnt.

Tweedledeedledum · 29/05/2026 18:29

I would stop mentioning it tbh. Enjoy the baby stages, look into home ed generally but there is no way you can make a firm decision yet. Concentrate on the time together now and when you're about a year out then investigate more carefully. I would definitely go to mums and tots, or the equivalent, and preschool because you and your dc will need friends and they'll need a chance to learn social skills.
I've home schooled but with an older child so the social circle was already in place.

madnessitellyou · 29/05/2026 18:29

If you are considering home educating because you’re looking at a one year old and are completely unable to see them as an older child (which is understandable) then think again.

Ime there are two types of home educators. Those that are doing it because a school environment isn’t right for their child tend to allow their children to thrive. They’ll be very active, have lots of things going on socially and will get some qualifications too. Others home educate because of some ideological nonsense they hold and it’s all about the parent and what they think is best, not what actually is.

What baffles me though op is the fact you’re happy with nursery but think school will be terrible.

What happens if your dc wants to go to school? What happens if they seem to enjoy learning (even at nursery, there’s learning. Reception is y2 of the EYFS, iirc)? What happens if they make friends who are going to the local primary?

Betterbelieveit · 29/05/2026 18:31

I decidwd to not feed my baby sugar when they were norn AND was SO PROUD of it. As of a baby could walk into a shop and buy chocolate. This lasted until primary school and I gave up my resolve. By then, there were other things to worry about. For other parents, ir was watching TV, for others it was home education.

Give it time OP, you may or may not stick to your guns when they turn 5, but ultimately it's YOUR child. Do whatever feels right for them.

IdaGlossop · 29/05/2026 18:33

It's troubling that you don't see why you are getting push-back from teacher friends about your decision. You have effectively rubbished their profession.

As others have said, it's also troubling that you have made this decision when your child is one year old, three years before they would go to school and when their personality is just starting to emerge.

Finally, it's troubling that you are so blasé about teaching maths and reading, both of which usually involve specialist skills.

I understand why home education can be a sensible choice for children who are neurodiverse. It seems risky to me though to make such a definite choice when your child is one and without them being given the chance to see if they enjoy school, and the magic you find in all schools, especially at primary level.

theturtleswims · 29/05/2026 18:34

AndyBurnhamForPM · 29/05/2026 14:00

To be honest most home school parents seem to be religious extremists or 'dont want my kids to learn about there them gays' type people so don't blame them for being judgemental

We home educated for a while and I met precisely zero of either of your 'types'.

Maraa · 29/05/2026 18:38

FasterMichelin · 29/05/2026 18:18

This is a good point. A lot of children have diagnosed SEN now and SEN provision is crap so lots are pushed into home education. It may or may not work for your child, it’s too early to know at 1yrs.

Sorry I misread the 1 year old thing. Yes that is way too early to know what fits your child. My son is 11 and at 3, I had no idea he was neurodivergent. However now, he is undergoing an adhd and autism referral, however I am pretty sure mainstream school is where he will still and thrive. He needs the more social dynamics of a school and being in the place I work, it is great for some sen children but he 100% needs to be in full time education mainstream x

IdBeLionIfISaid · 29/05/2026 18:40

God I cannot imagine having this conversation when your baby is so young. What do you want them to say???

theturtleswims · 29/05/2026 18:45

Kingdomofsleep · 29/05/2026 17:44

But this is it isn't it, home Ed by its very nature is unavoidably isolating. So any funny parenting quirks, or strange habits in the family, you didn't even know you had, would never be compared to other families.

Op's child could have grown up not knowing that it's safe to play in the rain without wellies. It's just one example.

Meeting other families is a huge part of school. You meet people from other cultures who eat different sorts of food, say. You meet your friends' parents who have interesting jobs you can learn about. All of this stuff comes "free" with school, whereas you'd have to try and artificially construct these networks via home ed groups, which presumably are mostly similar SAHM families of a similar demographic.

Edited

This is completely the opposite of our experience. DD found school incredibly isolating. She was bullied and had no friends. I watched her on the playground at break and lunch, stood alone, watching as she was ignored by staff and pupils. Home Ed was a revelation. So many groups, good friends made, a mix of ages, boys and girls, all playing together. It gave her back a sense of self worth. It was quite honestly the most sociable period of life she has had. This idea of home Ed as isolating is just wrong in so many cases.

ThankYouNigel · 29/05/2026 18:53

YANBU. It’s a perfectly valid decision, I admire parents hugely who choose to directly put that level of leadership, care and commitment into inspiring their own child’s education. I think some are jealous they either can’t or won’t do the same- that’s not your problem. You definitely don’t have to justify any life decisions to friends, it’s up to you, your DH and DC (once older) to communicate about together.

Wishing you the best of luck!

whitefluffydog · 29/05/2026 18:53

AndyBurnhamForPM · 29/05/2026 14:00

To be honest most home school parents seem to be religious extremists or 'dont want my kids to learn about there them gays' type people so don't blame them for being judgemental

This is an absolute lie....there are many atheists who home educate, many teachers educate.

We are a family who are teachers and do home educate and the reasons are 1000s

QuirkyHorse · 29/05/2026 18:54

Lots of children love school and the social side that goes along with it.

It seems a shame, when your child is so young, that you have decided not to find out if your child is one of those who thrives in school.