To feel upset I’m no better off after personal stylist?

[Annie2163]

I had a personal stylist appointment from a big departmental store thinking they would help me pick out a few outfits to make me feel good about myself as I have a few events coming up I’m nervous for. DH looked after the kids to give me time and space for this appointment (he rarely looks after them so a big surprise for me). I had really high hopes but I’m left really disappointed. I explained my style to her and even the clothes I wouldn’t wear I told her when she showed to me but I still tried on. I ended up buying 3 dresses, 3 tops and 2 trousers. It cost a lot of money as they not cheap and I felt the tailoring and fabric of expensive clothes would suit (as she told be they would). I’ve had them for a few days now and I’m not happy and I want to return. I FaceTimed my sister to show her and she agrees they don’t suit me. She thinks one dress is okay and I should keep (this dress is £190) the other 2 she said are awful as they really show the fat on my tummy whilst the other one kind of hides it with the pleats etc.

I am really upset about wasting my time and money. I kept telling the stylist my areas of concern and she kept brushing me off saying I’m probably brainwashed by social media thinking of the perfect body should look like and my body is great. But surely accentuating my worst feature (my tummy area) is not good? The rest of my body I like such as my arms and legs. I just feel I could have done a better job at picking up some pieces from cheaper brands and look better. I have no family or friends here to look after the kids so this was such a treat for me. I have to return the clothes and just look online. Has anyone actually used a personal stylist and gone away with nice clothes? My first event is next week I’m really dreading it. I’ll probably just won’t go as usual.

edited for all the typos! Sorry!

Along with the useless husband!

It’s like when I was gifted a book spa. I am 50 and very well read. I had some 22 year old clueless girl suggesting books. She had never even heard of Margaret Atwood! Never again.

https://www.next.co.uk/style/su668651/314502

i have this dress. It is cotton and flares from just under the boobs so hides the tummy. I get compliments when I wear it. I’m not sure about a formal event but I’ve worn it for dressing up days/nights.

Return everything. You do not need to blow £190 on any dress to feel amazing. A £10 dress could do the same, save the money and post on the S&B board where you'll get some great advice.

Secondly, OP your husbands opinion is just his (arsehole) opinion and does not make it true. Your confidence and self esteem needs to come from within you, not assume his (arsehole) opinion is the opinion for everyone. You mention depression, what support are you seeking for it currently? Are you on medication?

Since having kids I've got a similar body style to you, I'm slim in most places, my waist is small but look pregnant all the time, if I eat anything my tummy balloons so I completely get it. I have bigger boobs so I usually wear maxi dresses.

Finally, there's nothing wrong with blowing your free time chilling watching TV. We all need downtime and it sounds like you don't get enough of it.

It also makes you wonder if they were a decent stylist, then they wouldn’t have to work in a department store. Like other posters have said, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they are paid commission by certain brands.

I'd return the clothes - sounds like a crappy experience. I'd definitely feedback to the store.

Can you get to gym or to classes? As tempting as relaxing is I always feel like I've got more energy if I've moved my body and it helps keep my head clear. I'd rather spend my money on gym or getting a good haircut than on expensive clothes.

I don’t think new clothes will make you feel more confident when your husband is constantly negging you. He also needs to look after his own kids as much as you do if you’re both full time.

I actually think Chat GPT might be better at suggesting stuff than this random stylist. You can add pics and tell it exactly what you want, fashion that you like and it can suggest colours that will suit you etc. At least there will be no hard sales-assistant selling and you can just return the items online.

Totally agree. Ive seen some gorgeous suggestions on here 😍

Please return any item you are not happy with!

There are so many lovely and professional high-street stylist that can do a better job.
Check the socials of someone like Styled by Susie, she works online and face-to-face, and guide at any price range (including Vinted)

She's a lot on instagram, and you can see exactly what you get before you commit - she respects her clients personal style and lifestyle, not trying to make anyone a copy of herself.

A stylist should listen to you, and make you feel incredible. There's nothing wrong with you, you just had a very inexperienced stylist.

That stylist was not good at her job. She should have listened to you.

You are the same size as me but the opposite shape from me. There are clothes I'd love to wear but can't because I'd need your body shape to do so.

One is: above the knee swing or shift dresses. Here's a couple of examples.
I'd wear this to a summer party linen pleated hem Roman dress

This is more casual. Crazily cheap so worth getting just to see if the style does suit you. Matalan teal mini dress

You could also wear this sort of style from M&S - slightly more formal

Or more flamboyant: Phase Eight

Or boho (I love this) Nobody;s Child

May I suggest a tailor/ seamstress rather than a personal stylist.

Pick some things you like, and take them to a tailor to have them properly fitted to your body.

You will feel much better than getting recommendations from someone who really doesn't know you or your style and is ultimately just trying to sell you stuff.

Half the time the problem is the fitting - clothes from high street shops are very much a 'one shape fits all' but if you want it to actually fit, get it altered.

Sounds like it might be wise to post on the relationship board at some point too.

No wonder your self esteem is low if your husband isn’t nice to you and compares you to other women (and I’m guessing, not only regarding your confidence, right?)

The young girl was inexperienced and honestly, apathetic so she picked the wrong dresses. And as a result you feel exposed, upset, uncomfortable and seen in the worst light.

Can the same be said about you… regarding your husband? Is apathy causing you to stay with a man who makes you feel the same way as those unflattering clothes do?

It might not just be the clothes that need to go.

How can you rebuild your self esteem if the closest person to you doesn’t want you to? And he might say that he does, but, do his actions match that?
And why are you trying to look good to win over someone who, isn’t even nice to you? I understand a wife wanting to look nice for her husband but.., this sounds more like a songbird in a cage, preening its feathers to placate its jailer. Hoping that it might make them a kinder captor.

Now maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe he’s not really that bad. But the bare minimum I’d want a partner to be is ‘nice to me’.

The dresses are the least of your problems, @Annie2163 - let’s recap…

• you have borne 4 children
• you’ve gained a bit of weight
• your husband is both uncaring and useless
• you work full time
• and yet you shoulder all childcare responsibilities
• plus probably most household tasks + mental load as well
• not surprisingly, you have lost confidence, and you feel anxious and depressed
• the weight of all the above has crushed your confidence and self esteem
• and now the weight of all the events you have to attend has become unbearable
• you pinned your hope on this ‘stylist’ to make you look good - or at least good enough for your (expletive deleted) husband to give you a break

Can you take a step back and focus on taking care of yourself and your own needs?

This is a long-term project. For the moment, let the lovely MN style gurus help you find one or two dresses that will carry you through the events. But after that, can you focus on your own best interests…

• get counselling
• read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
• find a way of healthy eating that works for you - Michael Moseley’s The Fast 800 is a good place to start
• try to find 20-30 minutes a day to exercise; check out Lucy Wyndham Read, Yoga with Kassandra, Growingannanas…… there are many excellent trainers on YouTube but I feel that these might work for you

But ultimately you’ll have to decide whether staying with your husband is the right thing to do - not just for yourself but also your children.

Another one chiming in to say you've got a DH problem, not a wardrobe problem.

OP you sound completely lovely and very down on yourself. No wonder, given how your 'D'H is eroding your self-esteem...

Return the items and go on line for free advice from Melissa Murrell. www.mmpersonalstyling.co.uk/

I totally understand and have definitely been there.
It is a sort of downward spiral, struggle with self confidence, loose interest in looking after yourself, it shows and your self confidence tumbles further. Formal events are a nightmare as you go already feeling crap, formal clothes don’t usually suit anyone with any curves and you are aware that you are there with your husband and want to not let him down. You are probably the one judging yourself most though. For clothes I had to find things that I wouldn’t constantly be pulling into shape or straightening. Find your colours, try to get styles which skim not cling or balloon out. Stylist can be very hit or miss, you sometimes do better with an assistant who is interested and honest. Find a mantra to repeat in your head, people watch, create a ‘ bingo’ card in your head to tick off things, man in tartan trews, woman is see through dress…
Anything to take your mind off you.
Long term, and this can be in baby steps, find your style, find your community, change your diet, look at ways to challenge your own lack of confidence.

mmm I am not sure that you have a clothing problem, sorry it sounds more like you have a DH problem chipping away at your confidence.

Sounds to me like you know pretty well what suits you and what you feel comfortable and good in. Take the stuff back that you don't like, and choose something for yourself with the right fit and colours. Trust your instincts on this one, get hubby to watch the children and just pick some really nice things that will serve you well.

Return it all and write to the store to give feedback. A styling session can't perform miracles but it should leave you feeling good about yourself and with at least a couple of items that make you feel good when you look in the mirror. A good stylist would have listened to you, tried lots of different things to get a sense of what suits, and picked items that flattered you and were within budget and not ignored your concerns. I've also had really mixed experiences with in-store stylists. I don't think they have much training or inspiration. Debenhams used to have some good ones but they're gone now.

There are some great stylists on Instagram though like stylewithwisdom who will do lookbooks for you for very reasonable prices or even go shopping with you and others are just great to follow for inspiration. stylingwithrebecca might be a good one for your size.

I think, as others have said, you have some wider challenges around wellbeing and self esteem to address at the same time though and fashion alone won't solve that.

I saw a John Lewis stylist to help me choose something for my daughter's wedding. I'm a size 10, so not huge but have a flabby stomach that doesn't want to shift. The stylist was lovely and chatty but not good at choosing clothes. I'd had my colours done and showed her my colour wallet, but she practically ignored it and also ignored my menopause tum. I came away with one outfit, tried it on again at home and swiftly returned it!

Maybe next time take your sister or alternatively take selfies in each outfit and get your sister’s feedback. That’s what my sister does.

Also - there are many a-line floofy dresses around at the moment that cover everything.

I think your husband sounds like a dick - on the one hand he criticises you and on the other wants you to “be like other women” - rarely looks after his own children and isn’t nice to you.

If you ended the relationship with him (sounds like you do everything anyway so life would actually be simpler) I bet the stress eating would reduce and you’d start feeling a whole lot more confident.

Definitely return the clothes - all of them if even the ok dress isn’t worth the high price tag and have a look on ASOS - there are many thousands of items to choose from in a huge range of prices and you can filter by all sorts of things like length, sleeve type, colour and size and if you put your size in for a couple of different brands it will recommend your size for each garment which I have always found accurate.

You can have my very first LTB. Cannot stand casual arseholery like that, he doesn't deserve you, and I'm afraid no amount of fabulous clothes will change that.

My advice would be to wear something you’ve worn a hundred times before and feel nice in. It doesn’t matter if it’s not the perfect outfit for the occasion, I find people are a bit all over the place with what they are wearing at the moment. It’s not like ten years ago when it would be pretty clear that an event merited a certain type of heel or length of dress and if you got it wrong you’d stand out like a sore thumb. I’ve been to events where some people are looking super coordinated and other people look like they just came straight from walking the dog and both lots of people were perfectly happy and confident in their outfits. You’re going to be feeling really self conscious and a new outfit is not going to help those feelings, let your clothes be one less thing to worry about and wear an old favourite. If these are new people you’re meeting for the first time, they’ll never have seen it before anyway.

was it John Lewis? I went there and thought it was shit. Mind I'd never go there to buy clothes so I don't know why I went to personal styling