Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

Mother sounds insane. If I was in her position I would have messaged to thank you.

I would have removed it from one of my dc friends if here and I'm not medically trained. You remove and desinfect and voilà

What a weirdo. My guess is she’s threatened by you as you probably have all the qualities she wishes she did. And her DD probably thinks you’re cool as well. Tough shit for her.

No. The woman sounds unhinged. I would say "thank you" in her position and be glad someone had cared for my child.

"Hi, While she is with me and her father, whether you like it or not, she is in our care, and he makes decisions on her care. It is unfair for you to expect me to leave a splinter in her foot, that could cause pain and infection, just because you don't like me. We should be working together to put her first. I would make the same decision again if it happened again."

Totally bonkers

That is one strange thing to be upset about, she is overcompensating for something else

The kids are old enough to decide if they want you to help with a splinter and did she expect her daughter to leave the splinter in her foot until she arrived to save the day?

Just ignore her.

The kind of person I expect would have been equally upset had the daughter asked you to remove the splinter and you’d refused to ‘respect her boundary’

Maybe the daughter said ‘she got the splinter out for me thank goodness’ and a small green monster waved and said ‘She’s a Doctor don’cha know?’ And the mum succumbed to the green monster. And thought no further than that.

However, a previous poster is correct, be careful of your dbs as she might be the type to make…..problems.

She's a loon

This is a perfect example of the nonsense that MNers always post, that all feelings are valid.

No, they’re not. They can be very unreasonable!

if there was any question left over WHY he's no longer with that loon 😂

@TomatoSandwiches surgeons are doctors. Medical students train to become doctors. Once qualified, they can then choose to specialise in medical fields (general medicine, haematology, paediatrics etc) or surgical (general surgery, ENT, gynaecology etc), or general practice. Whatever field they go into, they’re all doctors.

This woman has a splinter in her brain and for whatever reason hates you.

As long as the teenage girl is happy all is well. As for her mum: ignore.

I'm surprised you've even had to ask?!
A consenting parent was present and she is a 15yr old whom you removed a splinter from ffs hardly open heart surgery!!!
The mother sounds batshit as sightly threatened by your expertise
She should be delighted that her children are in the care of such capable hands.

Don't pay her any attention, some people will find fault in anything. I'm sure she'd have had something to say if you hadn't done it and left her child to feel uncomfortable and more likely to develop an infection. You did what was right for that child, if mum feels some type of way about that then that's her issue to resolve with herself.

Ok let me get that right.

If my child had a splinter in their foot and needed help, I’d have no issue with ANYONE helping them with it.
Not a step parent, not even a stranger (assuming they asked if the child wanted that help ofc)

Now I’m assuming that the mother thought the dad was around. Was that the case? And what if the two dcs are at the house wo the father there. Would the mum prefer her dd to wait in pain rather than you helping? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

So would she rather the splinter remained in her foot? She needs to get over herself

I hate removing splinters…I’d have been thrilled!!
you have done nothing wrong.

At least your Partner is supporting you.

If I were your partner (if he hasn't already done this), I would explain (once again for clarity) that DSS got a splinter in her foot, during his parental time (as in it was his role to ensure her wellbeing). Permission was sought from DSS and the offending splinter removed by you (an eminently qualified surgeon) to minimise discomfort to DSS, much to everyone's relief. DSS's wellbeing was front and centre during the whole episode. DSS thanked you for your help. Then do not engage on this subject further.

OP, you did nothing wrong, but sometimes its hard for a mum to see the other women, take what she perceives, as her place to look after her child when instances like this occur. There is no rationale, just keep doing what you are doing.

This is odd / crazy - she is 15 so can decide for herself, as others have said 15 is medically competent. However even for a 3 year old, I still think it would have been fine, even if you weren’t a doctor!

I can’t believe you think this isn’t bonkers of the girl’s mother. Really?

Well, tell husband to text her back that if she has such strong boundaries about you resolving a trivial situation with her daughter's consent then she needs to clearly articulate this ahead of your next contact so you can ensure you don't cross said boundary

She sounds like a nutcase who likes throwing her weight around.

She’d rather her 15 year old walked around with a splinter in her foot rather then have it removed by a competent person…
You asked the person with the splinter if they would like it removed, she said yes please.
His ex sounds bonkers if I was their Mum I’d be glad that there was someone on hand who cared enough (and had steady hands) to be able to easily get it out..

The woman is batshit. Had you left the splinter you would have been criticised for being a Dr and not helping the daughter. It is not you it's her. Don't doubt yourself.