Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

FGS OP is a medical doctor and obvious capable of removing a splinter. The only appropriate response is Thank you. But, really, the girl is fifteen and the mum wasn't obligated to get involved at all. She just wanted to vent.

“Yep, your feelings are perfectly valid. If you’re a fruit loop. Now stop bothering us with stupidity!” should have been his response.

Ex is being bonkers.
I've teenage dcs with my ex - i've no time for his new partner but if she successfully relieved one of the dcs of a splinter i'd be glad she had.And if your case the girl involved is plenty old enough to consent to you doing so.
Ex is making a mountain out of a molehill imo

Opening paragraph:

"I'm a surgeon"

Of course you didn't "cross a boundary".
Your partners daughter consented to you dealing with a splinter in her foot.
Your partner presumably supported that.
You helped this woman's daughter.
Who and why would someone object to this?

What boundary does she feel you have crossed? Would she have preferred you to leave the spliter there and for her child to be uncomfortable?

She allowed to have feelings. Those feelings are valid. She needs to apply critical thinking before reacting to them.

I'd ignore her. Although, she is absolutely going to be a pain in your arse.

I’d remove a splinter for a child at my house if I was able. I’d assume a parent would want it removed as soon as possible if it was visible to grab with tweezers. I wouldn’t go digging around, but id grab it with tweezers. If they were very small, I’d maybe ask a parent but at 15 she’s old enough to ask you to, surely…!

Hi @NameChangeAgain48 I'll copy/paste my previous update in answer to your question.🙂

She said it was that I 'intervened'. I thought she initially meant that I had touched her daughter's foot (which is where the splinter was). Apparently it wasn't my place to get involved. I thought it was more about 'consent' - which, by the way, I obviously asked for - and the daughter happily obliged. I think it's more of an emotional reaction. My partner told her that I has asked consent - and the ex-wife said that was fine, but regardless - her 'feelings were still valid'.

She’s a nut job. I don’t have a partner but do have children. 1 at school & 1 at nursery, if they’d spent the day with a painful splinter stuck in their foot all day potentially getting infected and in pain and neither school or nursery had done anything about it, I’d have plenty to say.
im afraid you’re dealing with a no win situation. Especially given you’re a professional medic who was given consent by your willing and grateful SD.
bio mum needs to give her jealous head a wobble and your partner needs to put her straight every time.
you did great and sound like you have a lovely relationship with your Step children x

Where to start with this comment… hilarious.

If my child was at anyones house and had a splinter, I would expect the adults to help get it out. How very strange she feels like this. Is she intimidated by you maybe? Jealous of your career or is just picking fights for no reason due to being unhappy with your partner??

I favour (but wouldn't actually send it)

'Christ Almighty, Gemma, she's old enough to consent to having an abortion without either parent being informed, never mind have a literal doctor remove a splinter from her foot. Go and have a cold drink and a sit down in front of a fan, the heat's clearly got to you today'.

You are a surgeon, therefore I assume that you are a highly intelligent individual. You do not need to come on here for validation that you are correct on this point.

You are absolutely fine to do what you did. 😊 don't worry! She is clearly an idiot.

Doctor's take an oath of "do no harm" so where exactly have you crossed a boundary.

You were not on duty, but you did your job while at home.

Would DM prefer her daughter had the foot go septic? Or should she have come to remove said splinter?

It sounds like she's taking a swipe at you for being able to offer care for her daughter over and above what she could.

She sounds very insecure. Ask for specifics: what boundary was crossed? A professional one? An parental one? Or her personal weird shit one? Which boundary exactly?

Hi @Morrisons26 I'll copy/paste my previous update in answer to your question.🙂

She said it was that I 'intervened'. I thought she initially meant that I had touched her daughter's foot (which is where the splinter was). Apparently it wasn't my place to get involved. I thought it was more about 'consent' - which, by the way, I obviously asked for - and the daughter happily obliged. I think it's more of an emotional reaction. My partner told her that I has asked consent - and the ex-wife said that was fine, but regardless - her 'feelings were still valid'.

He should tell her that her feelings are noted and that, touch wood, it probably won’t happen again.

;)

You were acting as a doctor primarily, also as a responsible adult, and finally as a caring person in the daughter’s home life.

I’d be delighted you removed the splinter.

I wasn't trying to glorify myself, to be clear!

It was more that because I don't have children of my own - I thought MN would be a good place to get the view of biological/step/adoptive parents and their views on said 'boundary'.

I would totally send that. She sounds ridiculous and someone needs to tell her.

For some women , anything that can be construed as a “mummy job” (especially if it involves a degree of emotional care, fulfilling a need) it counts as boundary crossing, even if it’s what any normal adult (friend, family, caregiver , teacher or sometimes even a random stranger) would do in that situation.

So did she expect your partner to remove it for her? When you’re a trained surgeon?? Would it be the same about other things - get partner to cut hair if you were a hairdresser and they asked? Get partner to do her nails if you were a nail tech? Parent only to teach to drive even though you’re a qualified driving instructor? She’s being silly, ignore her

I can't imagine what a small, miserable and unfulfilled life one must lead, to complain about something like this. Misery does like company ☹️.

You did a kind, normal thing. You would have crossed a boundary had you refused to help.

Yeah well this is where madness lies in the narrative that everyone's feelings are 'valid'

They're not. Some feelings are completely inappropriate and nonsensical and shouldnt be acknowledged or indulged.

You are not wrong

so what's next? The OP is going to get abused because she bought a pack of tampax for the kid?

Some women are unhinged, it's embarrassing.