Partner's ex-wife said I crossed a boundary. AIBU? Please help.

[stclementeee]

Hi,

I've been with my partner for just under 3 years. He has 2 children from his prior marriage. They are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is a boy and the 15 year old is a girl.

The girl was spending the day at her Dad's house and got a splinter under her foot. I'm a surgeon (only saying so because I have a steady hand) and so I offered to remove the splinter from under her foot. I did so - and it was removed without too much hassle. Whole thing took about 90 seconds. She thanked me and was happy.

We carried on with the day.

She went home to her mother's house - and her mother texted my partner saying I had 'crossed a boundary' in removing the splinter from under her daughter's foot. I asked my partner to clarify if the daughter felt I had crossed a boundary - or if the mother did. He clarified that it was only his ex-wife. The daughter was perfectly happy.

I don't have kids of my own - so can please I seek advice/asked if I did indeed cross a boundary...? To be clear, as a Dr, I'm obviously trained in safeguarding etc... I do not touch people without consent!

She’s totally ridiculous. Ignore.

But I agree with PPs saying protect yourself. Next time your DP can remove the splinter etc. but more importantly he shouldn’t be relaying this nonsense to you. Tell him you don’t want to know if she sends more bile.

Jealous, bitter ex. That’s all there is to it.

I think you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you or him hadn't done that, the story would then be that you cold-heatedly let her walk around with a splinter in her foot.

These unpleasant interactions and complexities is one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to date someone with children. You'll never, ever be the number one person in their life, and it often comes along with added politics or drama.

She's being ridiculous. You of all people will understand a 15 year old is old enough to be "Gillick competent" to make that choice even if the dad wasn't there to support that medical decision and you were a completely uninterested third party.

Don't let this bother you. She's looking for a rise, and the fact you're seeking confirmation from internet strangers that she isn't right tells me you could do with speaking to some other stepmum's to give you some confidence around what is normal. The first instinctive reaction to something like that should have been bemused and a massive eye roll.

I really wish we could move past the idea that all feelings no matter how crazy and destructive are "valid". They just aren't.

Crossing boundary my arse
Why are we saturated by this jargon that seems to be a justification for so many personal opinions?

No, you did great. She sounds jealous of you.

It's unbelievable that she would send such a text. She sounds unhinged.

Did he show you the text?

When something sounds unbelievable, it often turns out not to be true.

Her being mad that you “intervened” made me burst out laughing. What is this, Blue Planet?! No don’t intervene and help the wildlife, let nature take its course!

Honestly what a nut job. I think she’s jealous of your competence and being able to help her daughter. If you hadn’t removed it I’m sure she would be complaining about that too though

Yes, I did see it my with own eyes. A lot therapy talk such as 'my feelings are valid' The only upside was that she agreed that I did indeed ask for consent - and she acknowledged 'that seeking consent was fine' - but in the same breath, added that I had 'crossed a boundary'....

Doesn't really make sense in my opinion.

Completely mad. I'd be over the moon at a surgeon getting the splinter out & sending flowers to thank you.

Ignore her, she’s crazy!

I think you probably need to qualify as a doctor before they’ll let you cut people open. 🙄

I think DH needs to tell her to stop being so ridiculous and then stop replying.

I think it’s good to get along as it helps with co-parenting but not if one person is going to act like a dick.

Neither your or DH did anything wrong and DH isn’t there for her to moan or vent at.

Crazy or possibly, given the time of day, drunk. Silly woman ... ignore.

well, no

He's the father, he doesn't need to entertain that idiot.
HIS kids, his decision when they are under his care.

Tbh I would prefer splinter removed from my bum and also from my DD’s bum asap.

Absolutely ridiculous, the woman is unhinged.

I’d be grateful a trained surgeon was on hand to remove a splinter. What did the ex-wife expect should happen? Her daughter hobble round and get an infection

Put the splinter back asap.

Exactly this !
I would have been very grateful if you helped my child this way.
The more you think about it the more batshit the woman is , any mother would be absolutely chuffed to have an actual surgeon looking out for their child.

Sounds like the ex is nitpicking to cause trouble. I bet she wouldnt be kicking off if the daughter was in a life threatening situation in which you saved her life !!

15 year has gillick compentcy to consent and you are experienced at making sure you have consent and safe touch

mum is bonkers , you are a chuffing surgeon ! What were you supposed to do ? let her limp around until she got sepsis ?

This! Offer to put it back.

She sounds as thick as a brick.