AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Kids are going to be exposed to self harm whatever parents do - perhaps occasionally seeing those of us who’ve recovered well enough to function usefully and enjoy life might be less harmful than you imagine.

Equally you could say they could be hugely triggering for any young person in recovery.

Or imagine if one of them had an elder sibling/ relative who had similar scars but is no longer around. Could be very upsetting. We just don't know, do we. Sleeves however don't bother anyone.

This could possibly be split into 2 different issues. There is the legal aspect, could they lawfully ask op to cover up? Probably not. But then there are potential consequences to consider. It is clear from this thread that some parents wouldn’t be happy with it and it would then fall to how this would impact the business.

I hope your children grow up to have less narrow-minded and judgemental attitudes than the ones you're expressing on this thread.

Still a massive difference between age 5 (Reception or Y1) and age 8.

I have a deeply unhappy almost 8yo who has said things about wanting to be dead. I'm not sure what I would say if he asked me questions about self harm scars. I generally opt for age-appropriate but truthful. If he found out about the concept of self harm, he would be deeply upset by it but I doubt it would give him ideas to do it himself. I think the social contagion aspect of it is a red herring here. I imagine that happens in teenage peer groups. I can't imagine self harm being contagious in the sense that seeing scars would give someone the idea of doing it. If you're not inclined to self harm you won't do it, and if you are inclined to self harm then you are likely to do it even without seeing it around you. In the same way that my son did not know about the concept of suicide yet still said he wanted to be dead.

(I feel I need to explain that we are seeking help for my son. We are crushed by his unhappiness. My somewhat detached tone here is because the thread is not about him.)

wow that is a very uneducated statement I hope your children never have to suffer from any mental health condition or addiction

I wonder how many of those who would want op to cover their arms have exposed their children to smoking, vaping or alcohol consumption. All arguably societal contagions that fall into the self harm category?

That was my thinking - my very curious child has been a very logical, scientifically minded thinker since about the age of 4 (still the same at 6). There's no way he would believe self-harm scars were caused by falling off a bike (I'm assuming lots of straight lines). That's not to say you should cover them but I think it's naive to think all children will accept a made up explanation.

Your right, and seeing people eating can be triggering for children with eating disorders, so we will stop that when out and about, someone shouting can be triggering for people who have experienced DA, so don’t call your kids at the park, seeing someone with cancer can be triggering for those who have a family member with the condition so they should stay at home …….

Sleeves bother the person who actually will have to wear them. She doesn’t want to wear long sleeves in a heat wave, and she shouldn’t have to.

We can get triggered every day by stuff we see, that’s just part of life. Making people hide parts of themselves away because it makes us feel uncomfortable (and I do believe that’s the main issue here - people, and by that I mean adults, don’t like to see it as we feel awkward or uncomfortable or don’t want to answer difficult questions from our children) isn’t really the answer.

And those of us who've got self harm scars and have children are supposed to do what, exactly? And I'm afraid your kids will see people with SH scars whether you like it or not.

What about scars from car accidents or surgery?

I've worked with young children, (18 months to 9 year olds.) If they ask about them I just say I was ill (true) and that I got them then. They don't need to know the ins and outs.

Wearing long sleeves wasn't an option when I worked in a café because of food safety, the last place I worked i wouldn't have worn them in the summer because it was boiling (warehouse.)

Can you point me towards the research you are quoting here? This is an area of research I am involved in and would be interested to see the research and stats to verify your claims

Can you show me the evidence it increases the chances? This is absolute nonsense. I have 4 younger siblings that I never wore long sleeves around and none of them have even thought about self harming. 3 godchildren and 4 children. Again none of them have ever thought about, let alone self harmed. My scars are severe too. Please dont put that fear on to others. Its hard enough as it is.

@ThisCyanBeaker So if you had been attacked then would employer insist on covering up? No, I don't think so.

I can understand it makes your employer uncomfortable but surely compassion and understanding are the correct responses not shame and blame?

Kids need to understand that bad things happen to people but you get through them and come out the other side.

Even if your story of falling off a bike works with 5 year olds, they'll reach an age when they do realise what the scars were and that will contribute to normalised ideas about self harming.

So what if someone has scars that look like SH scars, but actually came about through accidental causes?
Like fell through a window at such an angle that the cuts all lined up pretty neatly? Caught their arm/leg on a wire fence when running? What if the scars were the result of someone else harming them?
Would all these scars need to be covered at 30°+?

I doubt many teens are thinking about the coach they had at 5 and their scars, but if they do and they do think back on it, it will show them that people can heal, life gets better etc, a good thing to show.

“That type of thing”

What a disgusting thing to say.

There is a product on QVC that covers really quickly. CC Wash off.
My DD has these scars.
I will try to find the name

Forget all the whataboutery from some posters OP. No employer can ask you to modify a scar. Think of it as similar to being asked to wear makeup over skin blemish or visible difference. You are teaching these kids to enjoy a physical activity and enjoy what their bodies can do. Good on you and sod the complainers 💐

Oh, that's so sad. Wishing your little one the best of luck, health and happiness. ❤️

I am convinced my mental health issues kicked off when my great grandmother died when I was eight, and were exacerbated by the bullying that I experienced as a teenager.

I doubt they'd remember though? And if they do, then surely they'd already know about SH in order to recognise the scars. They'll realise they weren't told the truth about something when they were a young child, and they'll be able to work out that someone they knew had self harmed. That person themselves clearly doesn't mind, or they'd cover their arms up. It's a non-issue

I have scars the length of both arms that are 30 years old now but still very visible. I always keep them covered, no matter how sweltering at work, especially when working near children. I couldn't give a toss any other time but at work I don't need people deciding I am "mental" so it is just easier all round not too.

People treat you differently when they see them. Every problem you have will be vecause you are "mental", no matter how grounded in facts it is. I have learned it just isn't worth the bother.

Well an immediate difference i can think of is that if i got scars from falling through a window, i wouldn’t need to lie about it.