AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Look, you are not promoting self harm, the scars are a testimony of your strength through the struggles of life. Damaging the company image my arse, they don't want to associate and support someone who had mental helath issues. I think is more damaging for them the way they treat you! If I were you I would look for another job, immagine if your mental health would get worse again, would they support you in your recovery? My guess is no, so save yourself the struggle and find enployment somewhere else, they don't deserve you!

I'm on the fence with this. On the one hand I think this could be discrimination. Employers must not discriminate based on current OR past disabilities and depression and suicidal ideation is clearly a disability. They're singling you out.

On the other hand, although 2-5 year olds don't necessarily understand self harm and will accept any explanation, but they do absorb visual impressions emotionally even before they intellectually understand them so although they don't understand right now, they will eventually. They may still see them and think something about it felt upsetting/strange/distressing even if you tell them it was an accidental injury.

You also don't know what other children have endured. Some children see their relatives self harming. It's a sad truth. It shouldn't happen but they do, and that additional exposure can be really upsetting for them. You never really know what is going on behind closed doors.

I think there has to be a middle ground of understanding that healed scars aren't inherently inappropriate, but some people may still find them distressing.

Thank you. Happiness is all we want for him at the moment. It seems he has been extremely unlucky and inherited unhelpful thinking patterns/ mental health problems from both me and DH. I'm just grateful that understanding of child mental health has come on a lot since the 90s!

I hope you have recovered and found happiness xxx

If your workplace don't want to be acting illegally, they need to be able to prove that your scars are in sighting the children to self harm.
https://www.changingfaces.org.uk/advice-guidance/working-when-you-have-visible-difference/equality-act-protection-discrimination-work/
Under the Equality Act (2010) a severe disfigurement counts as a disability, therefore your employer cannot treat you less favourably than another employee because of them. Such as making you swelter in the a long sleeve top in the heat, while your colleagues all wear short sleeves. The only way they could legally get round this is if they could prove that your body look does have a negative affect on the children.

They can't say "in case". As in an employer can't say "you have to cover up, in case a child decides to copy your look by mutilating their arms". If a parent actually came to them and said "my child is trying to use a object to cut their arms because they have seen ThisCyanBeaker's arms and think it would be cool to have scars like them", on evidence that what the parent was saying is true, they might legally win the argument that your disfigurement was causing HARM to those you work with, and therefore you should cover up. However "because a child might" would not win.

Also frankly they are 2-5 year olds - if they know enough about self harm to spot the scars from it, then they know too much, then the fact they have seen the scars is the least of anyone's worries. If they don't, then make up an accident, a fire, an illness, you had a skin condition and needed patches of your skin removed. Your company are being ridiculous and breaking the law.

I wouldn't want my kids seeing those scars. I wouldn't want to explain the cause of those scars to my kids.

Oh so she needs to cover them because of the lie? Why?
If, objectively, a natural set of scars and self inflicted ones look the same, why does it matter what she tells people about how they came about.

OP - change your story to chicken wire.

You realise your kids will see those scars out in the wild? There's lots of people walking around with them. Uncovered and everything.

I wouldn’t want my child seeing them, some children are very switched on, even at 5.

I’m a life long nail biter. I vividly remember watching my music teacher bite his nails and I wanted to give it a try, I was 7.

It’s not appropriate and should be covered in my opinion. I’m sorry you went through a tough time and I’m glad you’re in a better place.

Is there another way to hide them when it’s hot, would make up work?

I am really sorry op for some of the awful, ignorant comments you are receiving.

I am a very senior mental health nurse, who works with young people, a mother to 4 very loved, very stable and successful children and I have scars all over my body. I have turned my pain into purpose. Should I be punished for developing PTSD as a pre teen becauue of being sexually abused as an infant and having 25 year old scars? No.

This thread has infuriated me. Shows a lot of people have no heart and no common sense.

My family is always very grateful to people who can show that they have survived self-harm, have healed and gone on with their lives. This is particularly true if it's someone, like the OP, that they can look up to.

So now we're locking nail biters in the cupboard to get their fix?

What's next to be outlawed?

Yep.

I was going to say, my son has his scars due to cancer and some complications that came from it. If someone asks him about his scars, he is going to talk about cancer which is a triggering subject for many people.

Coming across triggers and learning to deal with them is part of life.

The children aren't sitting there and watching her self harm though. Quite an obvious difference.

well im not cutting myself infrotn of them am i

I sympathise OP, I too have SH scars although not in places immediately visible (inner thighs, mostly). I think that the situation is tricky as if you tell the children that you got the scars from falling off a bike, you are lying to them. And if they tell their parents what you have said, then their parents will know that you have lied too. And that is damaging to the brand.

damage the company image

Go to the press and tell him what he said. See how his company image is after that.

Seriously, stand up to him and don’t back down.

I've worked with teenagers for 10 years. Never covered my self harm scars. Never has it been an issue for the children, parents or my employer. I'm good at my job.

I feel from a lot of these posts there's maybe underlying assumptions about what 'kind' of people self harm, and possibly an insinuation that they are not suitable to work with children.

A lot of uneducated comments here, but sadly that is not surprising.

I suppose my point is that the cause/nature of the scars mean op needs to lie to children about where they came from. And realistically, they do look different and distinctive to accidental scars. Falling through a window wouldn’t cause scars that looked like that for example.

It would be obvious to parents what they are so it would ultimately depend on how they felt and whether they wanted their kids to continue attending.

I wouldn’t say this is the issue. I would say it’s more of a concern by parents of potentially exposing young kids to the concept of self harm in the first place.

Even if parents are uneducated in this area, i think parents are just tryint to do their best, considering how much kids are exposed to nowadays with social media etc and increase in mental health issues.

Don’t. They’ll bill you and there isnt a claim yet.

Really?

Seeing someone bite their nails is the reason you do? I say this a nail biter. It's a habit it struggle to stop because I don't know I'm doing it. Do you wear gloves to hide your stubby fingers?.I don't. None of my kids nail bite after seeing me.

You do realize the OP is NOT self harming in front of anyone?

They have old scars.

The reasons for which are absolutely no one's business except their own. Seeing scars doesn't not make anyone think 'oh what are they shall I have some?'

Fucking ridiculous!

A friend of mine has scars from her mum, who has dementia, harming her. Do people suggest she hide these too for fear of someone with dementia getting the urge to harm others?

And if they tell their parents what you have said, then their parents will know that you have lied too. And that is damaging to the brand.

I don’t think it is damaging to the brand tbh, it’s a lie to protect their own health privacy, it has nothing to do with the club or has any relation to how op coaches etc, most normal parents will understand why and won’t find it damaging to the business. I have scars quite a lot all over my face and neck, not from sh, but I always lie about the cause when asked at work as it’s not a conversation I want to have twenty million times about cancer, my boss found out I do this, people who’ve found out I lied etc all understand and use some common sense as to why.

They have absolutely no right to tell you to cover up scars (unless they are recent in which case its a health and safety issue plus theyd be concerned for your mental health)
I have extensive self harm scars from childhood all over my body. They are nearly 30 years old but quite extensive and noticeable. I never actively cover them and i have NEVER been asked by an employer to cover them.. that would be discriminatory. Its absoultely not ok.
People can not help what happened to them in childhood. Its an illness the same as any other. You wouldnt dare suggest someome who had burns or scarring from an operation covered up. Youd know that would be offensive.
Its also absolutely ridiculous to suggest that seeing old healed self harm scars on an adult who is clearly doing well now, would cause a child to self harm. If anything its the opposite. It might inspire a child going through similar that they could come out of the other side.
The 'social contagion' nonesense makes me livid honestly. You cant catch mental health issues. If your child is self harming its not because they are copying someome its because they have mental health issues they need addressing.

Op as a next course of action, i would recommend calling ACAS for advice. I’ve called them before and found them helpful, and they didn’t take too long to answer the phone either.

I would ask them about your legal rights here so you can provide this info to your boss. I would also stay a step ahead and also ask ACAS about a scenario where parents complain about it etc and it may impact business.

If they wouldn't ask you to cover scars from an accident (and I'm almost certain they wouldn't!) then they can't ask this.
It would be absolutely impossible to censor every part of our lives so that children aren't exposed to "these sorts of things". And people obviously have vast opinions on what is and isn't acceptable for children.
Ultimately, this is discrimination. Any clever people know if it falls under the legal definition of discrimination? Maybe in relation to a (mental) disability?