AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

That doesn't answer the question. I find it interesting that you're trying so hard to weasel out of answering it. And don't put words in my mouth. I asked why you considered it a negative if someone's mental health was not robust, a completely different question to whether SH is 'normalised'.

I'll tell you one thing, though. I'd think more highly any day of someone who's clearly been through hell with their mental health but has managed to find the strength to survive, scars or no scars, than someone who quite happily admits to thinking MH struggles make a person 'less than'.

@Satsuma55 So you think less of people who've had poor mental health? What other illnesses or conditions do you think less of people for having? And if you don't think less of people with other illnesses why is mental illness any different?

Quick run down of things that can trigger mental illness for those lacking in empathy. CSA, bereavement, physical illness, bullying, being sent to a war zone or living in one, DV, being raped, etc. Sometimes is just your brain not being wired properly (I know mine isn't!)

I was at school with a girl who suffered ME, she SH as well. I saw her scars once and felt nothing but the utmost of sympathy.

All true, but there's absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with wanting to shield your young child from anything to do with self harming due to mental health issues. Absolutely nothing, or does that trump a child's well being?

The use of the phrase think less of them is pretty brutal, don't you think?

Depression and the kind of mental health problems that can lead to addiction or self-harm are illnesses.

Do you think less of people who have cancer for not being robust enough to not get ill in that way? Do you think people who have hairloss because of chemo should hide away because you don't want to talk about cancer with your 2 year old?

Positives, it stopped me from killing myself until I got the right help (counselling and anti-depressants.)

Negatives, a couple of my cuts got infected, I've got scarring, and some people will hoik their judgy knickers and think less of me. As long as they keep their opinions to themselves I don't give a shit.

My mental fortitude is fine, thanks very much. I've gone through a lot in the past 22 years (since I was 15 and started SH) and I'm stronger for it.

Plenty people have been through hell, they don’t necessarily have to have visibly branded their body to prove it.

Those conditions aren't self inflicted, though.

Well Cancer isn't positive. Do you think less of people who's physical health wasn't enough to fight of cancer? Someone who's physical health wasn't robust enough to stave off MS? Someone who's neurological health wasn't robust enough to stop Dementia?

And no one is saying sit the 2 year olds down, teach them to self harm and make it fun. Op tells them she had an accident. Lots of parents would tel their kids to not ask such personal questions. SH can be explained in an age appropriate way at an appropriate age.

None of that means I need to look down my nose at someone with MH health struggles on tbe assumption that I'm so superior to them.

Tbere but for the grace of God and all that. You never actually know what life will bring.

You think mental health conditions are self inflicted?

That was meant for @AlternateLook@AlternateLook.

And arguably, they might be. What is someone's a smoker or has an unhealthy lifestyle? So you look down on those people who have lung cancer from smoking but not from other cusses? If someone had an accident and had to have a leg amputated, would you look down on them for not being able to walk because it's self inflicted? How much time do you spend working out whether someone deserves your empathy or just looking down on from your golden perch?

Self harming is. It's in the title of the condition.

Do you think depression is self-inflicted, or addiction?

Because they aren't. They are illnesses that anyone of us can suffer from. Nobody chooses to be depressed, just like nobody chooses to get cancer.

Fucking hell.

What is wrong with your reading comprehension? Introducing the concept to children, my arse. OP has said she isn't going to disclose the real reason for the scars ffs. You're just choosing to ignore that, as multiple others on the thread have, because it doesn't fit your narrow-minded narrative.

As to 'positives' of cutting oneself... again, not sure what's wrong with your reading comprehension because literally no one has said SH is a positive act per se. No one wants to find themselves in that degree of desperation. I've no personal experience of SH, but because I actually have a modicum of empathy and emotional intelligence I can understand that a person who finds themselves in that place is fucking desperate, and if they can manage to keep themselves alive, I'd have thought anyone with normal human emotions would agree that's a win and that the scars don't matter against the bigger picture - that the person has struggled and kept themselves alive.

But then again, clearly you regard anyone who's struggled in life as dirt beneath your feet, so I don't expect that to mean anything to you. I'm done now, not wasting any more time on your bigotry. I just hope you never find yourself battling with your own mental health, because you might just find you have to rethink your world view.

Doesn’t make them superior. We all cope in whatever way/s we can.

Hello everyone.

We just wanted to take a moment to gently remind the community that threads about mental health, particularly self-harm, can be read by people who are quietly going through something very difficult right now.

They may not have posted. They may not have said a word, but they're here, reading, and what we say to each other matters more than we sometimes realise.

Self-harm is rarely what it looks like from the outside. This doesn't need to make sense to us - it just needs our compassion.

This is a community built on honesty and straight-talking, and we love that about it, but on this topic especially, kindness costs us nothing.

We've put a list together of excellent resources for mental health. You can find it here.

Thank you for being here and for looking out for one another. 💙

@FayeMumsnet I actually think this thread has taken a rather nasty turn… I’m not surprised OP hasn’t been back for a while. I would suggest MNHQ reach out to OP and ask if she wishes for the thread to be removed at this stage, or turn off further commenting.

Can you not see the difference between someone who has inflicted these scars on themselves and those who have been unfortunate in whatever way. No issue with anyone as long as it doesnt influence my own childrens state of mind and for me that would unfortunately include self harmers who do not cover up

When we are talking about 2-5 year olds who don't need to know anything more than an age appropriate ''people have different bodies, it is rude to stare and talk about someone else's body''.

No. I really don't see the difference.

No one is saying that you need to sit your 3 year old down and explain the difference between surgical scars and SH scars.

SH is a symptom of an illness. Nobody should be ashamed of having an illness or have to hide away because a few people can't deal with it.

Seriously, go and educate yourself.

Well, I keep asking what people with SH scars and kids are supposed to do. DS is still too young to ask questions at the moment. When I have been asked questions by small children I say I was ill and that I got them then. I don't go into detail.

I'd have thought a very simple explanation if a kid asks questions of 'That lady got hurt, no I don't know why' would suffice. And it depends, are you avoiding everyone with SH scars? I'm an aunt as well as a mother, some of my friends have had young children, and I'm glad my sister and friends don't have your attitude.

Neither is depression.

I didn't say it was.