AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Couldn't you have told your Boss that, and avoided an issue like this?

Under UK law, an employer generally cannot legally insist an employee cover up old, fully healed self-harm scars simply because they work with children. Under the Equality Act 2010 a history of self-harm is usually linked to a long-term mental health condition. Mental health conditions and severe disfigurements are often classed as disabilities. Employers are prohibited from discriminating against workers with disabilities and cannot treat them unfavourably.

In a way. I have a school mum aquaintence who self harms and walks around with her arm full of marks...... and she draws attention to it...... I don't walk with her anymore, there's absolutely no way it's being normalised to my kids

What about older siblings coming along to pick up your tiny rugby players? What about older kids playing or training in the same park or sports’ centre? I don’t think it’s possible to say that only kids age 2-5 will see and therefore you think it’s fine.

This is quite likely discrimination against your mental health, I would contact ACAS about the matter.

For what it is worth, I would have no issue with you teaching my kids with your scars on full display, healed scars show you are a survivor. I would probably feel that you would be someone who have some genuine empathy with someone who might be struggling and might be able to support them and direct them to sources of help.

I Hope it all works out for you OP xx

There's a world of difference between seeing a professional adult with scars and no context and being with peers who are doing it and sometimes glamourising it either intentionally or unintentionally. When we talk about social contagion that's what that means fgs. As someone who's worked in this field hth.

You are their coach, role model. They would want to emulate you. You should not show them your scars, they are children. I remember my skating coach, her makeup and hairstyle - we all tried to imitate her style, literally copy her, almost all of us, individually, not even colluding.

However wear your scars as a proud survivor in all other contexts - evening gown, going out, etc. etc.

Or, if they the children get to see them, please please lie - like you said 'motorcycle', or something else.

Sorry but I miss the bit where it says this is linked to seeing people with scars is affecting this.
The article clearly links to other factors causing the self harm

The replies on here are sad and show that society has a long way to go when it comes to mental health. Most 2-5 year olds would accept that OP fell of a bike and leave it as that. I think it’s the parents who have the problem here not the kids. Hope someone comes along to offer you some advice OP.

I didn’t say it included anything about seeing scars. My point was to highlight that kids as young as 8, not ThAT far off the age ground op is teaching, are self harming.

I wouldn't be happy with the explanation of bike riding. That could really make a kid fearful at an age parents are trying to build their confidence.

Can't you just say I had a medical condition that gave me the scars but I'm all better now. That's not exactly lying and I think kids are used to this being the explanation for a lot of things- why is that man in a wheelchair/ have a red mark on his face/ missing a leg etc.

My daughter has a sports coach with extensive self harm scars. They started coaching her when she was about 8 and she’s now 11. At some point my daughter asked and they gave a basic explanation and we had one discussion about it (mainly because the coach said they saw a MH nurse and that’s my job.

My daughter now has a friend who self harms, we have talked about it a lot and it has been helpful to see her coach do so well with their life after experience similar issues to her friend.

Well for starters your assumption re children is wrong! Yes they are just scars. Just because they’re self-inflicted doesn’t mean that they have to kept hidden. I’ve worked with vulnerable people who self-harmed and I always said if anyone has an issue with seeing those scars, that’s their problem not the problem of the person of who self-harmed.

Exactly

This! Sorry Op.

Also I’d go as far as to say that for older children or teenagers who may themselves be self-harming, seeing someone who has clearly long-since healed and has moved on with their life and is happy and positive can be a good thing. Simply existing with SH scars doesn’t glamourise anything.

Otherwise mentally healthy young people aren’t going to be triggered to self harm because they saw someone with scars. But it may open up a conversation with someone who is struggling.

I don’t think you even have to give a reason for them, OP, it’s your body. Just say ‘That’s just the way my body looks’ and carry on.

They're not just scars though are they? They weren't accidental, they were intentional. You did them to yourself.

Pretty much the exact same as a tattoo without ink. Really inappropriate to be promoting and normalising this around young children.

5yo are not stupid, if they are obvious SH scars then they tend to look very different to other types.

Sometimes protecting children's innocence is more important then protecting your feelings.

Huge, huge difference between 2-5 (nursery and EYFS) and an 8yo, who will be in Y3 or Y4, so KS2.

I’m more thinking about 5 year olds than 2 year olds.

Then if i think about a kid who is self harming at 8 years old, we may consider things happened for a while that lead to this, so maybe it started at 7 etc, they may have seen something online, or spoken to older kids.

You're right about social contagion but my understanding, having worked with lots of teens who self harm, is that its about group think amongst their peers, not seeing them on an unrelated, unconnected adult.

Sorry but I wouldn’t want my young children to see these scars and think that they should be covered. These scars are different to tattoos or accident / burn / birthmark scars. 5 year olds will ask about them and will talk about them to their parents. Young children do self harm and do copy people that they may admire or look up to, such as sports coaches. I am sorry that you have been through this and have previously self harmed and hope you are in a better place now.
Your bosses comment about damaging the company is not valid.
sorry if this is not a popular view.

Was your big boss at the session, if not, realistically he can have only found out from a parent complaining.

I wouldn’t mind someone who works for me showing them, but the reality of the situation is that if parents complain they will find a reason to get rid of you.

I’m sorry, and it shouldn’t be that way, but pragmatically you might need to cover them to keep your job.

Wearing her short sleeved uniform on a hot day isn't promoting anything though.

It would be different if OP was sitting them down and telling them all about self harming but she isn't.

Yes - apologies! as I said it’s a while since I’ve used it at work. It falls between ‘disability
protection’ and ‘severe disfigurement’ - and is certainly a form of discrimination.

If it’s someone like Rubgy Tots then sadly I’m not surprised as we have found them terrible.

Write an email following up, factual and not emotional, in order to document the conversation and then approach ACAS for guidance