AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Because I do not want my children exposed to that type of thing. It's not something I want to normalise in their eyes or start having conversations about. Children are very impressionable and it's well known that self harm can be socially contagious.

Presumably op had a mental health condition when they were self harming. Mental health conditions are a form of disability. They are being treated differently due to their (former) condition therefore that is discrimination.

I understand everyone concerned about this and fully appreciate some start ealria than teens I started when I was 9 but considering most of these children having even started school I can be sure telling them I fell of my bike will be an accepted answer and that the documentation of kids under 5 slefhamring purely from seeing someone else's arms who allegedly fell of a bike will not make them start...

If anything it should bolster yours and the companies image.

You’ve shown that you can overcome severe metal illness and be gainfully employed and they are showing (except they aren’t because your boss is being an illegal twat) that they value what their staff bring and employ the best people and aren’t image based.

Wear the company supplied T shirt and if your boss says anything else say you’ll need to discuss it with HR (or similar) to see where his request stands under the equality act. Then send a message to confirm you are contact X to check out the law surrounding his request you cover your scars.

in case you need a paper trail in future.

Only if you’re diagnosed presumably? I have sh scars but have never received a diagnosis.

It isn't the scars your manager is objecting to though is it? It's what they represent. I don't think he gives an F what the kids think, but there are some VERY judgemental parents around. It may be cut and dried legally, but that doesn’t stop certain minded people from talking shite about the situation. It's a tough one. Not legally, but from "those" type of parents.

Why ever not? Is it just self harm scars or scars in general?

I think there is an aspect of „exposing children to different type of people“ and exposing those young kids to self harm and resulting scars.

https://amzn.eu/d/0e8AWDdo Tattoo concealer might be a good answer or half sleeves like some people cover their tattoos with them.

I understand how you must feel and I am glad you pulled through and are in a happier place but I for one wouldn’t be comfortable exposing my children to someone with highly visible self-harm scars if I can avoid it. That’s just my personal opinion. I do think your employer is on a sticky wicket to an employment tribunal though.

If anything it should bolster yours and the companies image
No, that’s not how life works.

I dont think is a difference between self harm scars and tattoos to be honest.
You should not have to cover them though.

You would be surprised what children understand or remember. They may put 2 & 2 together at a later date.

2-5 year olds are the teenagers & vulnerable people of the future.

If it's the odd scar that could be confused with a cycling accident then no problem but if it is obvious self harm scarring them that's different.

Ultimately you could probably argue your case on disability/protected characteristics grounds but I think everyone who works with children has a responsibility to protect them too.

A child seeing an adult they look up to with obvious self harm scars does sow that seed in the child's mind that self harm is a thing.

Your manager is really out of order.

Speak to ACAS for advice.

''@ThejoyofNC
Because I do not want my children exposed to that type of thing. It's not something I want to normalise in their eyes or start having conversations about. Children are very impressionable and it's well known that self harm can be socially contagious.''

Don't be daft. The OP has made it clear that if anyone asked questions about his scars he mentions a bike accident. These children won't think about this twice once their initial curiosity has been satisfied by that explanation.

From what I understand from the equality act 2010 you wouldn’t need a formal
diagnosis. (It’s a long while since if used it in work so memory is hazy) the scars themselves are distinct and it’s a recognised ‘symptom of action’ associated with mental health ck dictions diagnosed or otherwise.

No difference between tattoos and self harm scars? You can’t be serious?

This is a tough one and I can only speak from my experience of a 5YO. She is insanely inquisitive- she will think about things for days on end, ask countless questions, call it out when something doesn’t make sense. Injuries, death even are all things that become these fascinating concepts (since they studied Tudors in primary) and she is the type of kid to see lines on someone’s arm, and say what did they fall on to make that pattern? But how? So what made this scar? That’s what I would probably find very difficult as a parent.

Saying that, your employer was judging you himself, or a parent said something.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with the little kids, I think it makes your boss uncomfortable and he therefore thinks it will make parents uncomfortable too (I personally think it won’t). I think it would be unreasonable to expect you to cover up in such hot weather. I am also wondering whether he would be saying the same thing to someone who had an accident, had burns or surgery scars

Yanbu

I take it you've never met a child then?

My 5 year old is currently learning to ride a bike so tbh i wouldn’t want you telling him that you got them from a bike fall either.

If you only worked with adults with good mental health then it wouldn’t be an issue to show your scars. However, you’re working with children so you need to hide the scars because they are self inflicted and children might be curious and try cutting their arms too whenever they feel sad.

Scars from surgery or an accident are completely different and not comparable. I say this as someone who was a self destructive teen but didn’t cut. Most of us did stuff we regret, but I wouldn’t want my young child seeing self harm cuts everyday she is at nursery.

I’m sorry OP but with compassion I am with your boss here.

Its well known that normalising things like self harm creates a risk of social contagion. In the same way that there’s a risk of being exposed to anorexia or suicidal ideation.

You have no need to be ashamed but its a safeguarding issue. If I were the parent of one of those children I would not want this to be discussed and normalised.

Definitely get some legal advice.

My son has scars (not caused by SH) but one in particular on his neck is obviously always available for people to see. He just tells other children what happened or why it is there if they know what happened but are still curious if they ask and it's no big deal, just like your bike story which is fine considering what really happened and the age of the children.

The children you work with are young. A 2 year old isn't going to be like ''ohhh, looks like self harm scars to me'' when you tell them the bike story.

What..exposed to scars, what a ridiculous statement. By seeing scars it’s not normalising anything. Tbh I doubt any child would know what those scars look like and tbh I’d be teaching my child not to comment on other people’s bodies.

If you were honest with yourself you would admit that the idea of seeing these scars makes you uncomfortable.

It really has nothing to do with the faux concern about the kids who will be more interested in playing sports and enjoying themselves than in their coach's arms and at that age would not recognise self harm scars anyway.

I have visible scars in one of my arms, not from self harm, but from parental neglect and I also have another rather large scar due to surgery. I can assure you that no kids has ever felt the need to ask me about them and if any employer asked me to cover them up I would go straight to HR.

People will have visible scars for many reasons and they should not be made to fill like it is a dirty secret that should be hidden.