AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

To be completely honest, i saw someone with self harm scars all down their arms and legs while i was in a queue at a theme park last week. It really is quite jarring and shocking to see, in comparison to other scars from surgery or a bike accident for example.

Baffled by this - those who would want OP to cover up, would you insist your own friends or relatives with such scars cover up too, since you “don’t want them around your children”.

I was fully clueless as a child and didn’t know what a self harm scar looked like until I was in my twenties and a colleague/friend at some point explained to me what her scars were. No doubt I’d seen plenty over the years and just not clicked - one or two people close to me I then realised about after that chat. I know a few people who tell any child who asks that they used to be a lion tamer etc.

I don't know why you and others are trying to make out they are just scars when they really aren't. But I assume you've never met a child either.

I’m going to agree that working with children does make it different to other work places.

Would UV sleeves be ok for the heat?

You could come up with taller and taller tales if you are ever asked, eg “from when I fell in a holly bush” through to ”from when I escaped from a cage of tigers”
A long sleeved wicking t shirt under the official t shirt would also work, and save on suncream

What if the scaring was due to some other than self harm? Would they still expect you to cover up? For example burns?

This 💯!

Your employer is being totally unreasonable! How dare they! Ignore and wear what you’re comfortable wearing.

Stop trying to normalise it. You make it sound like we’ve all encountered dozens of people with self inflicted scars when we were young but were just too ditzy to notice it.

I’m sorry this has happened. I don’t see an issue with visible scars.

I’d inform my union, if I were in this situation. Hope you’re okay, OP.

As someone with SH scars I agree with your boss.

There is a taboo around them for a very good reason- it is not healthy! it is not something that needs to be destigmatised for goodness sake, especially to children!

I’m kind of incredulous at the people who think it is fine to have them on show in front of children. It really is not.

None of that means the people who have scars (like me) should not be treated with compassion and understanding but fgs. Have some common sense around it. There really is something true about people’s minds being so open their brains have fallen out.

That’s not what I said at all. Just pointing out that some people have them and very few young children would ever guess what they were unless told - and obviously they shouldn’t be told.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-64874355

This article details that self harm in kids has been on the rise and includes kids as young as 8. So I also understand view points about not wishing 5 year olds to be exposed to this in anyway and it not be normalised.

I agree you shouldn’t have to cover either, but I think it’s somehow much worse to suggest someone should have to hide their scars!

Why???

I imagine this is RugbyTots? The kids are so little they would have no clue what the scars are from. With older kids (say teens), I imagine you might want to cover them up yourself, but if you didn't then it still shouldn't be an issue, assuming the scars are visibly healed and in no way recent.

I think you mean Equality Act 2010, DDA 1995 is largely superseded now.
i guess it would be protection from harassment or less favourable treatment or similar.

I’m with you. I see no reason why you should cover them up. The problem lies with your boss being a twat. Children in that age group will accept your explanation and tbh if any parent has a problem with your scars that’s their problem not yours.

There is no issues with showing your scars, if you boss has an issue then he needs to reflect on why it makes him uncomfortable.
The evidence shows that expose to scars alone would be highly unlikely to trigger a child to self harm, the biggest influences are their peers and online content. If fact a child who is struggling may be more likely to speak to you about it if they are on show, although this is unlikely in 2-5 year olds.
People need to consider why it makes them feel uncomfortable and why they would feel relief if the OP covered up. A clue around this is it isn’t about the children!

another example of Mental Health still being taboo, hidden under the carpet and ignored, boils my piss. I am so sorry @ThisCyanBeaker that you are going through this shocking situation. As others have suggested I would contact ACAS.

I'm glad you survived, OP and wish you the best but I fully agree with this post.

2-5yos will have no concept of them being self-harm scars or otherwise. Neither of my kids (7 and nearly 4) would have a clue. So I don’t buy it will upset kids.

I think i would prefer a different explanation than falling off a bike though, considering the age range of learning to ride bikes.

You mention your 7 year old, but i have posted a bbc news article on the thread that details an increase in self harm from 8 years old.

Nonsense op. I've worked with this demographic and had colleagues with visible sh scarring. It's never been an issue and actually the young people respected the hell out of the staff member for being unapologetic about their own journey plus it showed recovery was possible.

Your boss is being an utter dickhead. I'd join a union op, get advice and continue wearing what's work and weather appropriate. If its mentioned again ask for a copy of the company policy on appearance and if they produce one read it and give a copy to your union rep.

I'd imagine a union would go to town on something this shit.

And for a child to recognise them as self-harm scars specifically, they have to know that self-harm exists in the first place, so it’s not really protecting them from anything that way either. At that point they will already be aware it exists or they wouldn’t know what they were.

I don’t doubt that but I imagine the vast majority of children that age wouldn’t see scarring and think self-harm, unless they were already aware of it from somewhere else.