AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

tbh they’ll have no idea what type of scars they are and if they do ask all you have to say is the person was ill and leave it at that.

Nobody wants to force the issue on you for goodness sake. Someone just wearing their skin is not forcing anything.

Well, you shouldn't have a problem with OP, then, given she isn't planning to 'openly display' anything (simply having scars visible isn't 'openly displaying'), isn't planning to discuss them with children, and is happy to give a made-up reason for them if asked.

My reply was in relation to someone suggesting we should openly discuss it as if its a lack of communication or parenting skills.

Its not. Its just protecting our childrens innocence and childhood and not trying to influence them about mental illnesses that i and many others feel get pushed as agendas in media and online. At least if i can control one aspect, i can try.

We will have to agree to disagree if you think having scars visable isnt openly displaying.

It's 'openly displaying' in the sense that you presumably went into work this morning 'openly displaying' your face, I'll concede that much. 🙄

That's what's nasty about this, the blatant prejudice some are showing on this thread because of the origin of the scars. If OP had the exact same scars but they were from a car accident, say, I presume you'd think she should be 'allowed' to have them showing? And given that OP isn't planning to talk to kids about the origin of the scars (something I'm beginning to think some on this thread are wilfully ignoring so they can carry on flaunting their prejudices), it makes literally no difference.

I'm not saying you should or should not need to cover up at all. But, if you did want something to cover your arms but not be hot, look at sun protection arm sleeves. You can get them in all sorts of colours and designs.

I'm somewhere hot and it's very common to see people wearing sun sleeves.

Also, I'm glad you are here and found the courage to stay.

Do you also 'just not want to be around' people with facial differences? People in wheelchairs? People with limbs missing? Because your kids might ask questions? I've got bad news for you: one of these days you're going to have to explain to your children that people don't all look the same.

Exactly, thank you. My self-harm started off as scratches but rapidly became life-threatening. You cannot equate the severity of the self-harm with the depth of the person’s feelings on the inside, that’s not how it works.

And dismissing people’s self harm as ‘superficial’ is goady and often makes people think they have to hurt themselves more significantly to be taken seriously. So please don’t do it.

There is zero correlation between people hurting themselves and being a risk to others. This is an overused statement, but in your case it’s appropriate: please educate yourself.

None of those issues are self inflicted.

How could you know that? They may be.

DS had been exposed to it from the moment he was born. I haven't done it since years before he was born (despite teetering on the brink of PND) but the scars are still there and always will be.

I ask again, what are people with SH scars and kids supposed to do?

@Tessasanderson No one is forcing the issue on you and your kids just by existing. I fought for my life and won. These are my battle scars and I'm proud of myself for beating such a terrible illness. When I was younger it seemed like a better option than downing a bottle of paracetamol, which I had thoughts about as well. If I'd have done that I'd be dead, not offending some people's sensibilities by having scars on my arms.

This thread is quite frankly, fucking depressing.

@Gillygallygosh123 I used to cut horizontally rather than vertically because of the fear of doing myself some real damage. I wanted to hurt myself, not die. I wouldn't have been doing what your friend is doing, as when I was actively SH I wanted to keep it hidden, but it sounds like she's struggling in her own way. I'm also sorry to hear about your DD's struggles. I'm glad she's got support now. 💐

At the end of the day, you can’t control someone else having their SH scars on display for your child to see. It’s not your business, it’s not something you have any power over, so there is no point in fretting about it. It’s a fact of life. It could happen anywhere, not just at this club but just out and about in the world. I was served recently in a cafe by a lady with quite prominent but healed scars across her wrists. I was just glad she was still around to serve me.

Most sensible parents just figure this stuff out without losing their minds, even with the ubiquitous MN clever and inquisitive child. IME it’s the ‘I don’t want my child knowing this exists’ parents who end up dropping the ball
with stuff they should know to their child’s detriment. I’m always quite surprised when some of DDs’ friends haven’t been told really basic life stuff.

What difference does that make, given that OP isn’t planning to reveal their origin?

And there is both no need for OP to explain her scars to anyone and also no need for parents to tell their children they are SH scars if they don’t want to.

Speculating or making comments about other people’s bodies is not a behaviour I want to encourage in my kids so I try not to do it myself. They would just be told that everyone’s bodies are personal to them and it’s not their business why someone’s body looks a certain way.

You realise you sound no better saying things like that than bigots who object to gay people holding hands in public, going on about "shoving it down our throats"?

Nobody is going around literally waving their scars in your children's faces, they just don't and absolutely should not feel the need to cover them because people like you can't face having an age-appropriate conversation with a kid if they ask about them.

There is no age appropriate conversation about self harm for children. They shouldn't even know it exists. Why can't people understand that?

Why can't you understand that you don't have to have a conversation about self harm? You can just tell them that sometimes people get hurt and it leaves scars.

Genuine question: do people think that if someone doesn’t ever find out that self-harm exists, they won’t do it?

That’s not how it works. I self-harmed as a teenager sometimes, luckily not to the extent of scarring and it was a very transient phase, but this was pre-social media, I had no idea it existed or even had a name, it was a response I had to external stressors that came entirely from within me. I only discovered it had a name and was a ‘thing’ years later.

And I disagree: there are age appropriate explanations for pretty much everything in the world, including SH if that’s something that needs to be explained at that point. But there’s likely no need to have to explain about SH to young children because they a) won’t understand what the scars signify if they don’t already know about SH in the first place and b) parents shouldn’t be speculating about someone else’s body to their children, it’s none of their business.

There’s no need to explain someone else’s body to your children. A simple ‘That’s just the way that person’s body is’ or ‘Everyone’s body is different and I prefer not to talk about other people’s bodies like that’ is fine.

5 year olds won't just accept that and drop it though will they?

Then you just keep repeating it? Sort of basic parenting really. Just because a kid keeps asking for something doesn’t mean you have to give in. It’s also okay to say ‘I don’t know’.

Mine did.

Then you redirect them or just repeat what you said before, as with many other topics.

I've heard children asking where I work about what happened to that lady's (my) face, parents have said essentially what people are saying here, which is a variety of she must have been hurt or I don't know and we don't keep asking about people's appearances/everyones different etc and redirect them. Same would apply to self harm scar questions.

You're confusing OP existing with scars with 'promoting' scars. No promotion happening. She exists and she has scars and they happen to be visible. The fact that different people lead different lives and have the literal scars to show for it should be normalised, tbh. Your judgemental attitude is what needs to go. Hope your child never experiences mental health issues, but if they do, would they be able to come to you for help or be met with this type of attitude?