AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

For the nth time, the age appropriate answer is very obviously "that person got hurt". It doesn't have to be anything more than that.

In the same way when my son asked me why one of the kids in his nursery had two mummies I didn't need to explain the concept of strap-ons as part of my answer.

Yep.

My son has a very obvious scar on his neck from when he had a tube in there as he was seriously ill 2 years ago. If a young child asks their parent what happened to the boys neck, that is almost always what happens. If my son hears, he will sometimes explain that he had cancer but he's ok now or other times he will joke about a shark attack if he doesn't feel like going into it.

I've only just seen this post, but fucking hell. Do you think people self-harm for fun or something?

You might as well just come right out and be honest: the way this post reads, this isn't just about protecting children for you. You are judging the act of self-harm itself. I don't even have words for that.

"You are judging the act of self- harm itself" ? Well, yeah. If I , as an adult, saw self harm scars on someone, I would make a judgement on them.

Two possibilities.

1. Disfigurement (medical term) is legally considered a disability under the act. Employers cannot subject you to unfair dress codes (ie different to others)to cover a physical disfigurement. Asking someone to cover scars because they make someone else uncomfortable is discrimination. The severity of the disfigurement does come into consideration.

1. Mental health - if scars are related to a past or current mental health condition, then they are protected characteristics in the same way mental health is.

I have really severe MH issues, I’m going through a good patch currently but have been an in patient on numerous occasions.

MH issues should be discussed and accepted but there is a limit. Self harm scars on show clearly show that distress of the past and you are not giving that person a choice to engage you are making them engage.

It’s not making anybody engage. If somebody sees my scars the ideal situation for me is that they are ignored, I don’t want to ‘engage’ anything.

You clearly don’t really think mental health issues should be accepted if you think they need to be treated differently to other health issues. Self-harm scars are a physical symptom of mental distress. I don’t see why somebody should cover them up to hide another’s discomfort any more than somebody should cover up the physical signs of any other illness. Nobody would insist a cancer patient wear a wig because other people might not want to ‘engage’ in thinking about their medical issues and current medical distress.

Self-harm is not something people do for fun, mental health issues shouldn’t be seen as something shameful or something that needs to be kept a dark secret, attitudes like this just make it more difficult for those struggling to seek support. The fact you think somebody shouldn’t even show healed self harm scars from years ago shows you really don’t mean it when you think mental health issues deserve acceptance. Would you say the same about people with physical indicators of other health issues? Unless you think cancer patients should never go out without a wig, people with limb differences should never go out without a prosthetic etc then you obviously don’t see physical health issues and mental health issues as equal.

I can't even.

If I said what I'm thinking right now I'd get deleted. At least you're owning your prejudice, I suppose.

I just hope people on the thread who have struggled with their MH know there are plenty of us out here who don't judge.

But if I see your scars I can choose to not talk to you at all, I can choose to ask you, I can choose to not ask about your scars. I'm not obliged to engage with you anymore than if you didn't have scars.

Your boss almost certainly is being discriminatory. My sister has terrible scars from botched surgery and not self harm. Should she also have to cover up for image? Your old scars don’t affect your ability to do your job.

That said, it is a tricky area re normalising self harm scars in front of children. With 2-5 year olds I’m sure they wouldn’t associate it with self harm at all and would believe the ‘I fell off a bike, I had surgery, I had an accident. If it was older children, I’m not sure how I would feel.

Well I would hope as they are scars that’s judgement would be how wonderful it is that despite suffering the most crippling problems with their MH in the last they have survived and moved through it.

Any other thought process is just cuntish.

Exactly, I would make the judgement that a person who has scars from self harm, struggles with their mental health....would my judgement of the situation be wrong?

Exactly this.

I did not say what my judgment of a person with self inflicted scars would be, did I?

Nope you didn’t.

and I’ve stated what I’d hope that judgement would be.

Hopefully I’m right 🤞

You practically called me a cunt. My judgement of someone with self inflicted scars would be that they are not/ or did not used to be of sound mind. Is that OK with you @itsgettingweird ? Am I a cunt for thinking that? So be it.

Nobody gets to tell you what your opinion is/should be.
People will think what the bloody hell they want to, however little anyone else likes it.

No I didn’t. Let’s not read anything more into a sentence describing a behaviour than what it is - a sentence describing a behaviour.

as you rightfully pointed out - a behaviour that you yourself never stated you’d portray.

There’s no need or play the victim over someone’s words in a screen that aren’t assigned to you personally. It’s not a nice place to be.

You could however share what your judgement would be if you chose? Many others in here have openly admitted their negative feelings towards the OPs scars.

And you’re right of course that person once wasn’t sound of
mind.

Bir how wonderful that they’ve managed to get well again and be a positive member of society doing something valuable for the best generation.

I have explained what my judgment would be, countless times, ffs.

On the surface of it, no. But the tone of your posts on this thread leaves me to suspect that you'd think less of the person. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me, though I can't promise I'll believe you.

No , you're absolutely right I would think less of them. I would think their mental health was not robust.

Anyway, in summation, it's not something I'd like a kid of mine knowing about at that young age. They don't need to know or even comprehend harrowing stuff like that at the age of 2 to 4.

And why is that a reason to think negatively of someone?

Good grief , is cutting yourself really this normalised in your neck of the woods? What IS positive about it?