AIBU to think my employer cannot insist I cover old scars? *[content warning: mentions self-harm]

[ThisCyanBeaker]

years ago I used to $elf h4rm and now have scars. I work as a rugby coach for 2-5 year olds since September and last Saturday due to the heat I wore short sleeves for the first time. my big boss called me today to tell me that my scars being show damage the company image and therefore I need to cover up. When kids ask what happened at past jobs I always say I fell off my bike and quickly divert it back to them I understand how conduct myself. am I being unreasonable. I do try to cover up but surely when it is over 25 degrees it's okay and parents aren't put off too much by my arms?

Same. My daughter has them in her legs.
People SH mainly due to mental health issues. To have the confidence to reveal those scars speaks volumes. To be asked to cover them up is just a negative response that can cause a set back....

This thread is reminding me of all the flak Cerrie Burnell received when she joined CBeebies, from mums saying her missing hand would give their children nightmares. 🙄

And before anyone replies with 'That's different, OP's injuries are self-inflicted,' it shouldn't matter.

Nobody is suggesting exposing young children to self harm.

They are suggesting that the OP doesn’t need to cover up her scars.

They are just that - scars. She has no more responsibility to hide them than scars from a burn or car accident.

In the same way she has no obligation to explain or is likely to want to explain her medical history anymore than anyone who has been burned or in an accident.

what about if a woman has scars from harm caused from DV. Should she view up then? Hide that realism for many woman? That actually is also a safeguarding issue as children need to know that’s not ok. Either as a witness to a parent victim or as a future victim.

It really saddens me to see so many here suggesting the OP should cover up. I thoughts we’d moved from the this sort of crap attitude.

I have had conversations with my toddler about keeping his body safe and what to do in that instance. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about having conversations about actual sex, sex acts like blow jobs, fingering etc. it’s not appropriate for a child under 5 to know about those things.

Regardless of how people try to justify this, they are being exposed to the idea of self harm by seeing the scars every session.

Im not shaming the OP, the scars do not bother me one bit and I am certainly not judging them for it, all I am saying is I don’t think it’s appropriate for them to be seen by very young children who are incapable of understanding the reason behind them. At what point do we stop protecting the feelings or adults in lieu of protecting our children?! Children should always be the priority. We have too many messed up generations where this kind of stuff has run rife via social media, making it completely normal for the majority of children to be exposed to it on a daily basis, we should be protecting them until they are old enough to understand and hold a proper conversation about. That’s not shying away from the issue, that’s being responsible adults.

There will always be children who sadly self harm as there always has been and in a ideal world of course that would never happen, but just because the minority do, does not make it acceptable to expose the majority to the idea of it.

"Regardless of how people try to justify this, they are being exposed to the idea of self harm by seeing the scars every session."

No, they aren't. That's clearly nonsense. They are being exposed to the presence of scars on a human body, and if they ask about them you can explain in an age appropriate way. For a 2-5 year old this can be a simple as saying "the lady hurt her arms" and that will be the end of it. Y

You don't deal with a potentially difficult bit of parenting by pushing the problem onto someone else.

Why would a "decent " parent want to explain , to very young children, why some people hate themselves so much they take a blade to their bodies? No thanks, I'd rather, as a "decent" parent , protect my children from this kind of horror, thanks.

You don't, fairly obviously, have to go into any sort of details. To a 2 year old, an answer of "the lady hurt her arms" would be enough.

You can't, however, expect every single person with scars to cover up permanently just in case your kid sees them, because that would be ridiculous as well as completely impractical.

Young kids are going to be exposed to the less pleasant parts of life. Part of the job of being a parent is helping them navigate them. If you can't deal with that, maybe you shouldn't have kids in the first place.

That's not the conversation a parent would have though. They would just say something like "oh I expect she hurt herself somehow."

You are so uninformed. People don't just self harm because they 'hate themselves', it is much more nuanced than that.

I hope your children, if you have any, grow up to understand we are all different and that compassion and an open mind are lovely characteristics to have.

Oh, yes...the "decent " parent can just make up a story...." they hurt themselves, picking blackberries ".
No, just put on a long sleeve top....funnily enough there is a trigger warning on this post, and this is for adults!

Even if medical help was sought, it would also be wrote down as superficial for school mum. I sliced my finger cutting a wire a few years ago, It wouldn't stop bleeding so I ended up needing 1 stitch. It's in my medical record as a superficial - which I was surprised at tbh

There is a huge difference in someone genuinely struggling with their MH and SH, and someone who SH for attention and publicly draws attention to it/talks about it constantly to people. There just is. One of my very close friends used to SH years ago as an adult. She would burn herself with an iron on the inside of her leg. Nobody knew for years. I would never judge anyone or minimise anyone who was genuinely suffering, but I do judge adults who do it for attention

Thank you, it's been life changing for her ( and me ) to understand her brain and how to support her. She's so much happier these days. I was diagnosed a few months before her so it's been nice to learn together.

My kids don't need to know the nuances of the causes of self harm... if you're in a job that requires a uniform, put on the uniform or get another job.

I agree, your kids don't need to know the nuances, but you should probably be more informed, just in case (and I hope it never happens) your children or other member of your family self harms and needs your support.

She was wearing the uniform. They gave her a t-shirt to wear.

So we should inform ourselves in the slight chance they may somehow get the urge in the future, regardless of how small the odds are. Are we not safer to avoid people who self harm and work on the premise that this is much safer way of reducing the chances.

Too much information is a bloody dangerous thing.

No, you do your job as a parent properly. It's really that simple.

In countries which have the most open, grown-up approach to sex education - such as the NL and Sweden, the result is far lower sexual health issues and teenage pregnancies etc.

The way to reduce harms is education, not ignorance.

This. How bloody entitled of pp to order someone to wear a long-sleeved top, especially in this weather. Survivors of SH do not have to edit themselves to put others at ease.

So you would socially shun someone on the basis that they had self-harmed in the past?

Again, information is a dangerous thing.

Personally i think children are being robbed of their childhoods with information. The basics on sexual health and sex education of course. But there are much darker areas we are giving them access to information and it is ruining their early years. Almost leading them to chose an issue to have.

Give or take, about 1 in 12 children self harm. I wouldn't call this small odds.

I'm not aware of any research that says seeing old scars increases the risk of someone else self harming. I do think there is some evidence around seeing parents / siblings harming increases risk.

However if parents educated themselves more around a lot of stuff, safe sex, mental health, knife crime, county lines etc. then they can help educate and support their children, who will be exposed to this stuff over their years. It all just needs to be age appropriate.

Too little information is also a bloody dangerous thing.

I would shun someone who openly displayed the scars in front of my children or discussed it with them. If they didnt show them or didnt mention them, i wouldnt care? Take the children out of it i wouldnt give a toss. If someone serves me at McDonalds covered in SH scars i couldnt give a hoot and i would say thank you.

Yes, if you don’t cut beyond the fascia into muscl/ bone etc it will be recorded as superficial, if your DD only needed external sutures hers was probably written down as superficial. It doesn’t mean the reasons behind it are superficial though or that it feels superficial to the person doing it or their close family and friends.

I think it’s hard to say somebody is just cutting themselves for attention as well. You don’t know what MH struggles that mum might have going on. There have been a couple of times in the past I have shown others cuts/ scars in a way that could probably be seen as attention seeking, the reality is my autism makes it very hard for me to reach out to people or ask for help or explain when I’m struggling and sometimes showing an injury was a way to try and say ‘I’m not ok and I need help’ without words. It was not about ‘doing it for attention’ and there were often other cuts in other places I kept hidden but it can be such a hard thing to deal with and sometimes you do just want somebody to help but don’t know how to ask.

More recently when I have relapsed I have kept it a secret completely but I don’t really know whether that was any healthier than the times I did share with somebody, certainly the times I have kept it a secret are the times it has escalated because nobody has known (outside of medical staff) and so nobody has been there for me. Surely you can see that if the only way somebody knows to tell others they’re not okay is by self-harming there must be something wrong there and it must be much deeper than just ‘wanting attention.’ It’s sad that you think like that, especially as your DD has struggled with it before and so is at high risk of doing it again. Wouldn’t you prefer she let someone know if she starts doing it again rather than keep it a secret? If she’s autistic and can’t find the words surely you’d rather she show someone than hide it completely? But I imagine she won’t be able to if your attitude is that she would just be attention seeking and that’s so sad you would judge her in that way.

I agree.

wow, bunch of judgmental idiots who don't know how to talk appropriately to their kids about tricky issues here today.

Are you not being even more judgemental about us?

We just dont want to be around the issue. You want to force the issue on us & our children.