To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

It takes a while to get change. Once things are "in the moment" there may not be much you can do. There is no magic way to stop her screaming; if it's a social situaiton and she's screaming her head off then the least-worst option is probably to put your head down and get her out of there as fast as you can. (Ask me how I know that!) Otherwise you just have to ride it out (sorry!) Some kids can be jollied, comforted, hugged or distracted out of it but some need to be left in peace til they calm down and recover.

If she is often difficult in social situations (parties etc) you could avoid them for a while. If she's withdrawn at nursery it may just be that she finds other kids a bit much at the moment. Kids sometimes go through a phase where they don't yet know how to play with other kids, maybe she's got used to interacting with her sister in a way that doesn't work.

It doesn't especially sound a special-needs issue to me, more like a little girl who isn't quite ready for socialising with other kids yet, and maybe has an extra burden from not being able to hear very clearly. It wouldn't hurt to to get her hearing checked. Your Dr may well suggest a parenting course, it's the first port of call when parents are struggling with behaviour (even for kids waiting for SEN assessments) and it will probably help. If only because you'll meet other parents in the same boat!

She is three, that is a tough age, but it is old enough to understand what is happening and why. If you think she didn’t take in why she had to leave then explain clearly once she has calmed down. ‘You shouted at Daisy and tried to get a toy that isn’t yours, you didn’t listen so we had to leave’
Also clear warnings before you go in, and follow through with the consequences. I do know how stressful this is, I found three harder than two, but things like taking toys from other children can’t be allowed at all. In that instance I would take the toy off my dd and give it straight to the other child. My two didn’t take toys, but I had a nuclear tantrummer , this is a hard age to parent and you need to develop a thick skin.
Some battles you can sidestep and wait for time to sort it out, others you do just have to deal with.

I don’t think @Esmeraldathe3rd ’s post is unpleasant. It’s just direct and sensible. Because you are struggling, it will feel difficult to hear, but she’s right, you have to take charge. If you feel too low and unmotivated to do so, you may be depressed. In which case, have a chat with your GP, get that sorted, then take charge of your very small, though difficult child. You can do this 💪

OP I want to give you a hug it’s clear this is having a massive toll on you. I have twin toddlers and the ‘mine mine’ sibling rivalry and tantrums is a common theme in our lives to - it’s really not just you!

I do think most people on the thread are trying to be helpful though. I’ve had to physically wrestle mine into a high chair or buggy when out as a consequence for bad behaviour. I’ve also left a soft play with them both screaming (feeling terrible the one who wasn’t misbehaving is also being punished). It’s embarrassing at the time but they do respond to it. They apologise afterwards and we get on with our day.

Trust me when you’re wrestling a toy off your child or battling to put them in a pushchair most other parents like me are just grateful it’s not their little one kicking off at that moment and feel nothing but sympathy!