To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

The screaming is something that sort of stops as a byproduct of the other measures you put in place. You can’t stop her screaming instantly (I wish there was a magic button for toddlers that did this😂) but once she learns that screaming doesn’t get her anything it will stop- that isn’t a quick process but it is a process.

So screaming = leaving, she doesn’t get the toy, she can sit and scream in the pram. With consistency she will learn that screaming doesn’t get her the end result that she wants and so it is rendered pointless.

Sending sympathy from here! For whatever reason, children vary a lot. If you have had one child where you were "reasonable" all the time and they behaved well then it's a shock to have a different child who's a tough nut to crack. You do what you did before and it doesn't work. I had it the other way round - it used to surprise me when other parents didn't have to brace themselves and plan the intervention before they spoke!

Yes it's fine to take her out if she's kicking off. It doesn't matter if she wants to leave. This isn't just about reward and punishment. You don't want her to stay in a social situation where she's not coping and she's not learning anything from staying in it (except that if she grabs a toy and fusses she can keep it). Taking her out brings the situation to an end. She can try socialising again another time.

I got a lot of value from parenting courses. I agree that it's like going on a training course at work - you learn new ways to approach a problem. You can already solve some problems and it worked with DD1 but others are harder and the ways that worked with DD1 aren't working with DD2. Think of it as "advanced parenting".

I also agree about "Incredible Years" - I went on one of the courses, and the book covers a lot of different strategies and also when and how much to use each one. It also talks about how parents can cope with our own feelings when our kids are acting up. It's OK not to get everything right all the time.

Sharing is something that some kids pick up fairly naturally but others do need to be taught in stages. One parenting course I went on talked about giving "sidestream" attention to a younger child and about showing children how to share and how to play co-operatively, things you could do with DD1 and DD2.

I also agree about few words. Your DD is only little and she can't take in all that much. What she understands is less than her older sister understands. Also what she understands one to one with you is less than what she picks up in a mixed setting. Especially if her hearing is not perfect. Good luck!

Oh OP. If you are still here, have a hug. Toddlers are not called mini-tyrants for nothing. Mine was a cheerful tyrant, but still nearly broke me with his strong will - and physical strength. I tried to toughen up, but struggled hugely. We survived, however, and he is now an absolute delight.

My handy hints. Console your dd1 and let her know that having a little sister can be tough, but it won't last forever.

Avoid activities with toys for a bit, if you can. We went swimming. A lot. Walk. Find woods and build dens. Print out child friendly lists of bugs/leaves/flowers to find and hunt for them all. Go to playgrounds, have a paddling pool and sandpit in your garden if you can. Encourage gentle TV watching, and sitting still. Paint, draw. Have baths in the middle of the day. Have a disco in the kitchen each afternoon. Make cakes together. Let her have a washing up bowl to wash up. Wear her out with activities that don't rely on possessing toys.

Be strict if you can about sitting on a naughty step/ leaving if she is snatching /pushing/ screaming, but pick your battles too. Don't try to change everything overnight.

Ask your health visitor for help. She might have something sensible to add, or might just be a good shoulder to cry on.

Finally, if you can, try to find something to giggle about with your girls. It's easy, when you are trying to get tough to lose all perspective. I did. A kitchen disco, game of tickling toes, face painting, blowing bubbles can all give you chance to relax a bit and laugh. It's good for the soul.

Best of luck. You can do this.

Does your DDs father have any input? What’s his take?

She is behaving at nursery so it might be worth talking with them too to learn what strategies they use.

You can do this but it will take consistent effort.

You are posting here for help, that's a good start, you know you need to change your approach to help you all lead a happier existence. You don't need sympathies, you need strategies.

Though harshly put, the PP (the unpleasant one) has exactly the right strategy for handling your DD. The second she does something, she is removed and restrained until she calms and apologises. She won't continue doing it for much longer. Have you ever watched any of the old Supernanny programmes? She dealt with a lot of DC that sound like yours and resolved the difficulties with calm, kind, consistent, firm boundaries.

Please do try a different approach, it could be life changing for you and your DDs. Good luck.

Have you had any child development testing done. This is really not normal behaviours and can be caused by nurodivergency like possible ADHD or ODD.. I have 3 children who are on the spectrum with ADHD one of those children also having autism, they are much older now and I have one child with ODD who is now an older teenager. Those children when they were about your daughter age showed aggression, hyperactivity, the inability to properly communicate, unable to properly play with others, shows massive frustrations, very demanding, very hard to calm down, always racing. Toddlers already in normal circumstances have a hard time with these things and its well and good for people to say set hard boundaries but she is a toddler, she doesnt need strict rules and hard love, she needs assessments done to understand why she is lashing out the way she is, she needs guidance, love, patience and understanding. They also sense much deeper when feeling change and emotions are off . Talk to your gp about a refferal to a paediatrician and maybe get into a child development team. Also I highly recommend doing the circle of security parenting group, it touches a little on these subjects and helps you have more understanding on how to manage big emotions and hard behaviours and filling your childs cup while also filling your own cup. Parenting is definitely not for the weak.

I think you need to stop worrying about looking undignified everybody sympathizes I've had to carry a child screaming rigid surfboard style out of the park with everyone staring at me because she refused to leave and I had to get her older brother from school. We've all been there we've all had to wrestle with the feral child carry a screaming child enforce a boundary that the child is determined to cross. The boundary is what's important not how embarrassing it is for you.

None of this applies to a child who is fine at nursery though

Looks like OP came here for a magic pill, she wants a solution but she doesn't want to do the work and finds excuses why/how this or that idea won't work. And then she herself is having a hissy fit because the magic solution didn't materialize itself.
Everyone who's giving her a reality check is being nasty/unpleasant - I'm fully expecting to get 'told off', which is apparently impossible with a toddler (oh no wait, she's not coming back).
I think people are being very helpful, honest and frank, no one is out to get her, unfortunately looks like they are wasting time.

We've all been there OP.

If you can consistently harness that rage into firm physical action - strapping into the pram, removing the item from your toddler and restraining her - but keep a calm voice explaining what's happening - it will improve.

Maybe talk to your 5 year old too and explain that you are going to be firmer with her sibling, so she knows to expect that too and doesn't think you've lost the plot.

Mini tyrants with pot bellies demanding everything and anything and lo behold if you offer them the wrong cup even though it’s the one they asked for…🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

I don't know if this would work but when she says 'its mine'' say 'darling, you're two. Nothing is yours. You don't have any money and you've never bought anything. Everything here is shared. So if you say something is yours again you'll just be ignored.'

Then when she does it again you and the person with the thing just leave the room and lock yourselves in another room till she stops?

Thats not true at all. Children mask outside of their comfort zones. Its actually a big red flag for children on the spectrum. Once they get home, they feel comfortable can unleash and be themselves after masking all day and this is where big feelings, big tantrums, frustrations and worse behaviour comes from. Most children on the spectrum can do most of their days at school with very little struggle or maybe with some learning difficulties but need to come home and have an outlet. My son who is on the spectrum and has other mental health concerns is a straight A student, has some difficulties as school and is also medicated. Once he gets home he can stop masking, its very big emotions, sometimes things get broken, has some behaviours. We send him off to his own space with headphones and away from everyone else so he isnt a danger to himself or others.

Small children getting possessive over toys are trying to exert some control. They don’t have much they are in charge of in their lives. They are wanting to try to have some.
They are learning to be themselves. And owning an item gives them a sense of self.
They are still learning about the world, emotions, behaviours.
Taking toys ‘in turn’ and learning to share is good. But having some toys completely theirs is too.

You’ve got a really difficult child OP. Some parents are blessed with easy children and never have to go through what you are going through. Lots of good suggestions on this thread. Don’t give up, you’ll get there.

Look it's unpleasant to hear. But it wasn't said with malice, I didn't call you or your child names or anything. And now you're being passive aggressive.

No one likes kids that scream and snatch, and moreso, no one likes their kid getting treated like that and the other parent doing nothing to intervene. It's not ok. I don't think you honestly thought people enjoyed the way your child behaved. You wanted people to say "it's ok, kids are kids" "don't worry about it, parents are used to it." But unfortunately it's not an acceptable level of behaviour.

It won't sort itself out. As long as the behaviour works, and she's allowed to do it, she will continue to do it. If there are no consequences, she will not choose to change her behaviour. So, either you put consequences in place or school and society do it for you. She will be actively disliked by her peers once they're old enough to say "you're not very nice, I don't like playing with you" or "I don't want to invite Lucy to my birthday party she snatches off me." You will have teachers raising this with you. Writing in their book about her "behavioural issues".

This won't just go away. And people do not like kids that behave like this. And they do not like parents that don't discipline their kids. You will see many many posts on here of people complaining about other misbehaving kids and their passive parents.

I'm sorry, it's hard to hear. Doesn't make it untrue or mean.

I remember my son sitting in a ball pit at soft play, surrounded by 1000s of plastic balls. He has one in his hand and is inspecting it from all sides as toddlers do. Another little boy in the pit sees my son engrossed in the ball, and lunges at him to grab it out of his hands, then having done so, shoots us all a furious look at having denied him the special ball for so long. Obviously that ball in particular was the best ball, the other 999 were rubbish. My lad wasn't bothered at all and picked up another ball to replace it.

That exchange taught me a bit about human psychology!

Sorry you feel so down op. It might be worth just looking at the last few posts at the end of your thread. There are some gentler, and more helpful suggestions to balance out the tougher, earlier posts.

My eldest was a screaming biter. It’s such hard work. But then he wasn’t anymore. That stopped when he was somewhere in the threes I think.He was very ‘sensitive’ about lots of things until he was about 6 but then developed into an easy and lovely boy.

There is some excellent advice here. When you have time why not read through and make a note of any suggestions that you think might be helpful?

My one suggestion would be to try to start each day as a blank canvas and try as hard as you can to start on a positive note giving praise and encouragement. It’s really tough at times but by focusing on the desired behaviour and avoiding or ignoring ( if possible) the less good stuff you can genuinely change the whole status quo.

Good luck.

It's not your fault OP some children are way more challenging then others. What I would try is staying at home to work on her behaviour. Days at home and in the garden. Do you give in to get so if she screams and screams do you give her what she wants ?. I would pick her up on everything she does and allow the tantrums to happen whilst being there staying calm and allowing her for a cuddle when she is ready not matter how long it takes. However done shout or lose your temper and keep at it over and over. This is much easier to do when you have allocated certain time to practising than if you were out at a toddler group for example. Hope it gets better for you !

My youngest is 7 and was like this. He still is and it’s exhausting. I’ve sought advice and followed it. It gets better for a few weeks and worse than ever. Life is miserable.

Setting out expectations of how she should behave.
Today we are going to go to xxx if you want a toy someone else has then you wait your turn to play with it. If you demand a toy and the other child hands it over I will give it back to the child and if you repeat that behaviour we will be leaving.
Go through this again before you go in and when she says “its mine” and a child hands her the toy, hand the toy back and remind her that if she repeats the behaviour again you will be removing her from the space and you will be returning home.

Same when she does it to her sister. Once you hand the toy back, twice and it’s removing one of her toys.

If anything I wouldn’t shout I would keep very calm and matter of fact and keep repeating the consequences

Once you start to shout you have lost the battle and children know it.

Always get down to her level and communicate face to face.

I think mine were well behaved because they got bored of me explaining why something wasn’t good behaviour and what alternative would have been good behaviour
I.e instead of saying “it’s mine” she should say “Could I have the toy after you” then let the other child play and she plays with other things.

Explain that kindness gets rewards and demands gets you less

Sorry to hear this X

Im sorry you feel you have to leave the thread. I hope you see this. There might be a clue in the nursery if she's a bit subdued there. Is she having toys taken from her there so she's passing it in at home? Maybe a chat with them to see what thexstaff there say. The lean in and give a big hug is also good advice in my view. Also is it the sane when their father is around? Can he give more support?

I think this can be normal when you have siblings close in age. Toddlers are exhausting and I wonder if you are expecting them to just get along and play. Your 2 head old isn't capable of that yet so you will need to constantly redirect and entertain her until she is able to. When she screams mine or grabs at things calmly say no and then remove her from the situation. Do things that engage her but don't involve other children. E.g. go to the park but push your toddler in a swing while your 5yo goes and plays. Let your 5 yo scoot or cycle and you and toddler play with a ball. Do things like craft, play doh, cooking etc where the toddler can be strapped into a highchair then you can interact with both.

Basically, if you leave them in a room with toys, the toddler is at the developmental stage of just wanting everything and not being able to share.