To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

Very firm boundaries . Tell her what is not acceptable and a warning then an immediate consequence. E.g. it’s mine, warn her to stop shouting at her sister/another child. Does it again immediate time out or other consequence.
You sound very weak around her. You let her yell at other children and do nothing?! She yells at another child you physically remove her and give the toy back to them.

Do you discipline her? Intervene immediately?
Y'know the old "naughty step" / "Time out" or just pick her up and remove her from the thing she wants?
What happens if she demands something - rather than asks - and you say No?

You know you're going to have to get tougher on D2 for the sake of D1.
The slamming and shoving has to stop.
You have to be more firm.
You are doing both girls a disservice if you don't.
💐

OP, to add that I work with children slightly older than your dd2 and see so many who rule the roost at home. You’re the adult, she’s the child and you’re in charge.

If she takes toys from other children and screams about it, tell her you will leave if she continues and do it. Ignore the tantrum and take her out.

My Dgs2 was a bit like that when he was 3,particularly with his older brother but now he's 4 and 1/2 he's much better. He was a very unhappy toddler a lot of the time and struggled with the word 'no'. I think sometimes time is all that's required and consistent boundaries.

This. If you can't parent her effectively, you need to be shown how to do it, for her sake, and yours.
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you are struggling, we all need help at some point.

This. Please do not let her rule the roost or you will be storing up massive problems for the future.

One small suggestion: when she barges into you, wanting your attention, put your arms around her and give her a big, tight squeeze. She might be really needing that heavy input.

It's often just time. It was for my daughter who was just like that.

That sounds really difficult. I would also find that exhausting. The fact you’re worried not just about yourself but about the impact your exhaustion is having on your family suggests you’re a really empathetic and caring mother.

All children are different, and it sounds like your daughter is more strong willed and intense than most children her age. Don’t let anyone imply all behaviour issues are a result of your parenting - some children are harder than others at different stages. Obviously that doesn’t mean we shrug our shoulders and leave them to it - it means we have to work harder to find the right strategies to parent them, which is where a parenting course or the firmer boundaries suggested by others might be useful - but if someone is having an easier time than you at this stage it doesn’t mean they are a superior parent, they might just have an easy going and compliant child!

If my child yelled at another over a toy I’d give one warning that if it happens again we will leave. If it happened again then I’d be quite short and firm and say you’ve done it again after I warned you so now we have to leave.

also on the barging don’t give her the attention she wants or you’re rewarding the behaviour. Say no I won’t speak to you until you ask me nicely. Just keep walking away. Soon as she stops then reward the behaviour.

I really felt like this too until I realised I was literally scared of my own child. So I gave up gentle parenting and starting taking charge. Much much better. The difference is instead of using 100 words to say No, you say one word No and you mean it (make them do it physically but gently if they refuse). Giving a 5 sec countdown and NEVER repeating yourself ie when you say it the first time, it gets done, no matter what. But be conscious you are asking only reasonable things eg pick up this toy when they're not in the middle of doing something else like eating.

Good luck!

The second child is usually more difficult, strong willed. There is a lot of stuff online on choice theory.
You won’t be flamed. It’s not unusual, we all need a bit of help.
My first didn’t like her brother until he was 8 or 9, he wasn’t kind to her. They love each other now most of the time.

If a child of this age is wanting attention from their parent, giving it is not “rewarding the behaviour”. It’s meeting a need.

Meeting a need.

All behaviours are communication. You can still continue a conversation with your older child whilst squeezing your younger one/giving her the input that she needs.

I agree with being strict on the sharing toys with other children at groups, etc; if she can’t cope with that then you leave.

Absolutely stop gentle parenting. Children need strong boundaries. When they have the foundations of manners then, when they are older, you can relax a bit. Not yet. If you can’t hold firm boundaries then absolutely go on a parenting course. I read parenting books which helps me understand how children’s brains work and what techniques help to manage my kids. Nip this behaviour in the bud while they are little. You can do it!

If she scream “mine” and the child gives her the toys you say firmly “it’s not yours ” and return it immediately.

Humans behave in a way that gets their needs met. It’s natural biology.

At 3yo if she sees it working sometimes she’ll keep trying until it does the others.

If she’s screaming at you ignore her.

Of she’s barging at DD1 take her elsewhere with the toy and give her the attention.

Kids learn through cause and effect and therefore we need to teach them this way.

Thank you.

I guess the problem is how much is normal and to be expected and some bad behaviour. Yesterday for example was an event for both so it would have meant punishing both for behaviour just from her. I also don’t know how well she’d correlate ‘leaving X place’ with ‘I was shouting at another child.’ Plus what if she wants to leave?

Definitely agree with a parenting course, school/nursery or if you have a local children's centre they will probably have them.
You just need some support to recognise where the boundaries need to be and how to enforce them.
I work with children and have met quite a few timid/mild mannered parents who have had a very strong willed child and just struggle with how to manage them as it's not within their nature. It's not uncommon and you definitely can get a handle on it.

Set a rule with yourself that the unpleasant behaviour (tantrum, screaming, snatching) NEVER results in her getting what she wants.
If the other child is intimidated into handing over the toy before you can physically intervene then hand it straight back, apologise on your DD's behalf and remove her from the situation.

With many strong willed children, if they find a approach that works (even if not 100% of the time) they will keep using it. So even if you let her have what she wants if she screams only 50%, 10%, 1% of the time she will keep trying it.

Sit her on your lap and hold her then, or strap her in to a buggy.
It needs to be immediate - bad behaviour equals not playing there/getting that thing.

@itsgettingweird i guess but then the problem is I end up in a very undignified wrestle / fight with her as she clings onto it fiercely. I kind of thought this would get better as she approached three but no signs yet. In fact it’s got worse; I remember being at playgroups with her when she would just tolerate other children taking her toys but now she’s getting increasingly territorial and quite dog in the manger at times.

So yes but she wouldn’t be just sitting on my lap, we’d be literally fighting - me to contain her and her to be free and I can only keep that up so long. Ditto a pushchair.

Yes but she's 3!

Sorry op. My 2 year old is similar, but mostly only does it around me and is an angel for everyone else. She does also just go up to her 5 year old brother and hit him or even bite him. It’s a really tough age

So once everything is calm you talk to her
We had to leave because you snatched toys
Teach her the correct way
Please and thank you
Remind her of the expected behaviour the next time

Screaming for milk " I cant hear you unless you ask nicely"
Slamming into you
No and firmly remove
I absolutely refused to be a punchbag/ climbing frame for my children
It hurts
Children need boundaries

Than you @Kinfluencer . She doesn’t listen to any of that. I wish she did.

@Iocanepowder we have the pushing and biting, it’s horrible. She only does it to DD1 but she has become more arsey and confrontational with other children. Generally she’s OK if they leave her alone but she will scream NO NO MINE a lot.

I'd avoid comparing your kids because your older daughter got 121 parenting to deal with these things.

And I'd use some 121 time to practice consequences and boundaries without affecting your older daughter.

State the problem and the consequence brief and simple, ("you can't snatch that/you have to share/they got it first" and "we're going to leave/I'll take away your game/I won't join in the dancing"). Also "let's do xyz first" and "then play with y".

My favourite trick is to tell my son we have to do something for 5 seconds before something he wants - like brushing his teeth. 5 seconds lasts as long as I want it to!