To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

PP’s post is only unpleasant to you because it’s not what you want to hear. Sorry, but you need to step up. Each comment offering advice about how important boundaries and consequences are, is dismissed by you. You’re not the first person to have a challenging kid. What matters is how you deal with it. You are the parent. You are in control. If you relinquish the control to a 3 year old I can assure you nobody wins here!

No, it’s unpleasant because it suggests we are widely disliked because a toddler shouts mine sometimes.

I am finding her very challenging and I am the first to admit I don’t think I’m dealing with it well. That’s on me. Not her.

Its called parenting. Of course there are different levels too everything but we have all had to deal with similar situations to your own from time to time. The advice to go to parenting classes is really good.

My biggest take from all your responses is you seem to be bothered too much about what everyone else thinks. Screw them. You are the parent and you are in charge of your childs discipline. If that means you drag two unruly children away from a social event to discipline/punish them then thats everyone elses problem. If you have to take time out to make your child understand, over and over again. Well thats called parenting. It is not a popularity contest and the rewards are further down the line for you when you dont get unruly teenagers who are impossible to control.

Its not rocket science but it is hard work. This is down to you to own and control and you will get the benfits in your family further down the line

I agree about the parenting course.

I have six children, I have been on several courses including with my youngest.

Because every child is different, what worked for one didn't for the other. It isn't a sign of poor parenting, in every other role in life people take lessons and learn. Parenting is no different.

Sounds really difficult. You need to learn some strategies to effectively parent them. A parenting course might be a good idea

@terrorisedbytoddler

Currently your DD behaviour is triggering you emotionally
The trick is not to try several different things but work out a non emotional way to deal with this calmly

Like its your job!

The issue is either not dealing with it or reacting in the moment doesnt help her regulate ie extend her coping skills
Children learn from us

Bloody hell, I can see that literally nobody has read my reply which stated that a need for attention should be met.

Simplify language. If she snatches something, say “x’s turn (other child)”.

Don’t try and reason with/explain to a dysregulated almost 3 year old.

You mention ear infection... does she get these frequently, OP?
I only say this because my DD, between ages 2-3, had frequent ear infections and developed glue ear causing her to lose her hearing which totally changed her behaviour. She did not end up with grommets but by the time she started reception, she was fine.
My friend, whose son is deaf, was the one who said to me (after observing me struggling with DD's behaviour), "Have you had her hearing checked?"
I could be reaching here, but do have her hearing checked. Glue ear is so common in toddlers and the hearing loss from it can really impact a child's behaviour in ways we can't imagine. We don't think of hearing loss impacting children in that way, but it can. So just take note of how often she's had ear infections and consider having her hearing checked. I wouldn't have known my daughter lost most of her hearing had I not had her ears checked. I think she was overcompensating for her hearing loss by becoming more strong-willed/dominant with her little brother (and her big brother!).
They're all grown now and get along soooo well! But those early years... it's an emotional rollercoaster.
Sorry if I am reaching. I just thought I'd share my experience with you.

THE RULES. She / they follow them or you leave (or go to the naughty step/time out area).

Have a little list.
No pushing.
No hitting.
No XXX.
No XXX

Repeat ad nauseam. Eventually, you should be able to ask her what the rules are and she will be able to reel them off.

It gives them a structure and they know them. They'll break them, but they know the consequences. I have a ND child (AuDHD) and they know them.

But ultimately, YOU have to believe you're in charge regardless. Kids are like animals. They can smell fear or indecision. You have to be 100% CERTAIN you are the boss regardless of their behaviour.

Have you tried turning her behaviour into “play”? I find my 2.5yr old responds much better to “play” discipline than anything else. He ends up giggling, and then is much gentler, and listens a little more. For example, when he’s snatched something, I tell him no snatching/we don’t snatch, and then show him one of his toys snatching and telling the toy off. He then tells the toy off and most of the time (he is nowhere near perfect) he will hand the toy back to his brother. Also, I have two boys so I’m constantly wrestling them anyway (as play) to get their energy out so wrestling toys out of their hands comes naturally and it’s not undignified, it’s not different to wrestling something out of the hands to make sure that don’t eat it when they shouldn’t. If we’re out, I tell him the expectations before we even get out the car. And then reiterate periodically throughout the day. For example, he loves walking everywhere, if we go into a shop, I tell him if he runs off, he goes straight into the pram/trolley. The first time he does it, he goes straight in, no negotiation. He knows I will follow through on any consequences that I’ve told him about.

OP, it might be ‘normal behaviour’ from a 3 year old who’s trying to find her voice but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. You’ve mentioned it’s getting worse and it probably will continue to do so unless you can train her out of it.

If you had a puppy, you’d not just let it poop in the house - instead, early on you’d start training, reinforcing and repeating until the wee dog understood what the new rules were. Obviously I’m not comparing your DD to a dog (!!!) but I think the idea is broadly the same - the behaviour is ‘normal’ but it’s your job to train and shape her into a child who can play nicely with her sister and others. It’ll be a world of pain for her if she gets to school and still thinks she can snatch and grab and hit other kids.

It’s not going to be easy at first as you’ll have to be totally committed to sticking with your new boundaries. She’s obviously a bright and sparky little girl - she might get the message faster than you think. Your life (and hers!) will be so much calmer if you’re not constantly on high alert with her.

I actually think @Esmeraldathe3rd post provided some really good advice OP, I don’t think it is unpleasant at all?

I also have a 2 year old so I am no stranger to a tantrum or a very strong willed child, and yeah, sharing is a difficult concept for the age, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deal with it or accept that “shouting mine sometimes” is the level.

Being a parent is hard sometimes and it is about having the battles, even the hard one, even when you can’t be bothered. She has learned that the shouting and screaming gets her what she wants so you need to put the work in to undo that which won’t be easy but is necessary. Every time it happens, you step in. If another child gives in and she gets the item you need to be taking it straight back off her and returning it to the child, with a “sorry, that is not how we share, it’s X turn”. Take control back.

The issue with a toddler is that you have to be more stubborn that they are.

You've had a lot of good advice here.

Someone also mentioned that she needs attention. I agree, and always found this a nice counter-balance to you being a total disciplined bitch. When DD was starting to get difficult, I gave her lots of positive attention, hugs, kisses etc (before she actually did anything bad).

I'd also talk to her about all of this when she is calm, and then idea that someone said of listing and repeating the rules is a good one. Perhaps also turn them into positive rules e.g. "We share toys." "We are nice to our friends." "We are polite to each other." And what a lovely day we are going to have.

All toddlers ARE like this if they are 'untrained'. It's your job to socialise them. It's hard and it's fucking boring but you need to break their animal spirit before they break your human one.

I wish I didn’t have to tolerate it; her screams go right through me. There was a thread this morning about children being abandoned and I semi seriously wondered if it was an option 😂

We were in a kids art club once and there was a dad there with his two DC. One was joining in beautifully, sitting nicely and drawing. The other was having a full on tantrum, arms waving and screaming. He just calmly stood to the side holding the screaming kid over his shoulder while the other carried on with the club. I was impressed with how calm he was, I thought he handled it perfectly. It's totally fine to do that op, no one batted an eyelid, we've all been there.

That sounds awful for you . Have you tried getting down to her level gently holding her shoulders and trying to get her to calm down . Once she's stopped shouting speak to her in a calm voice about whatever it is she's doing etc. You've probably tried everything but that always worked for my kids .

It's hard and it's fucking boring but you need to break their animal spirit before they break your human one.

100%. Train rather than break though. They're just little animals aren't they? Impulse to reaction at 100 miles an hour.

I agree that a 3 year old isn't going to listen to instructions on right and wrong, but three techniques I found very useful were 1) role playing - i.e. play with teddies or dolls, take turns being different characters, you be the little sister snatching and doing "mine, mine" when she's playing the big sister etc 2) story telling - make up stories about a family of her favourite animals where the little one behaves badly and snatches and has to miss the party/cake 3) whispering about good behaviour- to her dad / grandmother - stage whisper you wouldn't believe how good X was today at sharing with y. This possibly all sounds a bit crazy but it has some research behind it (but can't recall from where now cause it was ages ago) and worked really well for me - targetting one behaviour at a time.

@Esmeraldathe3rd wasn't being unpleasant. She's right- if you allow this behaviour to carry on people will avoid you. Nobody wants their child to be shouted at or have their things taken from them. You need to be much firmer and stop making excuses- you are doing her no favours allowing this to continue. I know it's hard.

I agree with this, I understand you didn't like hearing it but ultimately she is a child, you are her parent, this is your job to sort. Not setting or holding boundaries - that are ESSENTIAL for her future happiness and wellbeing, not to mention the rest of the family - is doing her a massive disservice. It is not parenting. It doesn't matter if you look undignified! Or if she is upset and shouty. She's three, she has no recourse here - you do.

We've all carried a screaming tantrum-ing child in public... specifically mine was aged 4, kicking off, went rigid and refused to leave an attraction.
So he went out sideways, under my arm 😂
He's 27 now... we still laugh about it.
YOU are the adult. YOU are in charge. YOU decide where, when and what.
If that means wresting with your child in the middle aisle of Tesco or spending a hour making sure they do not move from the 'time out' step- so be it.
You cannot negotiate with a 3 year old.

You intervene and you hold on to her. I remember holding my two and a half year old under my arm like a roll of carpet for an hour whilst I was shopping for absolute necessities (just desperately and moved out and needed actual things for a home) whilst she had the most god awful tantrum, screaming, trying to hit and kick. A week later at work I met a stranger who recognised me from that day and they complimented my parenting and thought I had done exactly the right thing. Also had to do the same on the Eurostar for a similar length of time.

You said in your first post that even you don’t like her a lot of the time, even though you’re her mother and you love her unconditionally. Would it really be a surprise to find that other people don’t like her much when she’s behaving like that? I think the old adage is true - the truth hurts. So let it hurt for a bit, then dust yourself down and use it as a push to sort this out. It’s making you unhappy. It’s making the rest of the family unhappy. It’s not even making DD2 happy - this is not a description of a happy child, shouting, grabbing, screaming and then withdrawn at nursery. She’s crying out for you to help her feel safe and secure. She thinks having what others have will give her that, but it won’t. Learning to deal with her emotions because you’re giving her boundaries that don’t fail when she pushes against them will.

It is really hard to be firm and non negotiable but you really do need to do it.

I had some really difficult times with mine but if you saw us now you'd generally (unless its a v bad day) think "oh she is lucky she has easy good kids"

I had months of clangers....There was one v memorable incident in waitrose when dd was 2 and ds was 4 or 5m old that was so horrific and noisy TWO women separately were like "do you need help?" When the second offered help I just burst into tears... 🥴😵‍💫😭

She’s probably getting worse because she has no boundaries. If you are genuinely intimidated by your toddler then they already have power over you. They sense this, they do actually know. This is frightening for them, they need YOU to be in power. Put some boundaries in immediately. You sound wet behind the ears.