To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

If she behaves like this you have to give her an instant very relevant consequence. Remove the thing she wants and tell her that she will never be given something unless she asks nicely. If she is in a social situation and she behaves like this, remove the thing she wants and leave if she makes any kind of fuss. It will be painful in the short term but it will solve it quite quickly.

Oh, and when she is being irrational about things like give me milk and she already has it, be firm. Tell her she can stop screaming or go in the other room / outside to calm down. Give choices. Do you want apple or cheese. Do you want to play ball or bricks? If she then changes her mind just repeat no you chose the cheese and let her scream. Toddlers scream because they are processing their frustration, if you reflect calmness and ignore it then she will learn she is safe and begin to deal with those feeling. If you scream at her she will develop a stress response.

I’d really recommend avoiding playgroups etc for a while. Get her out in nature in your 1:1 times to a farm , wood or somewhere. Give her a break from toys, sharing etc. try to have a lovely time together.Give praise in these situations. I had a really difficult time either my son at this age. I really understand. Whilst I craved other adult companionship, but in the long run , he needed a break, he needed out of doors. He’s still not an easy going person. I sometimes wonder about ASD that he’s managed to mask at school etc, but that he can’t at home. Best of luck. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Sorry people are being such assholes. You're clearly having a hard time and kindness is free!

I hope for your sake it is a phase she will eventually grow out of. My friends daughter was an absolute nightmare. She was physically aggressive when she didnt get her way. My friend used to break down and cry regularly. The interesting thing is her daughter only misbehaved like that around her, not her dad, nursery or anything else. Her bad behaviour was the worst when mum was around. You have to try your hardest and create firm boundaries with her.

By the time my friends daughter was in school, she received a couple of beatings from a fellow kid she tried to snatch toys off. I think she learned consequences pretty quickly after that!

OP what you are describing is so common. If you are in UK look on your local authority childrens services section for Early Help teams/parenting programmes. I work in this area myself and there will be programmes you could do online with other parents which could help you regain your parental presence and show you ways to help. Wish you well

It will change things. It will mean the little kids that are playing nicely don't have their play time ruined. Hand wringing is no more of an excuse for little bullies than the mum's that just don't care.

Yes, keep it simple. Just 'no' firmly can be effective or 'No, don't snatch'. Repetition is your friend.

Screaming - carry her outside and wait for it to stop. If you're at a group activity, your older one will be fine with other adults there. Start singing a song you like while you wait for her to stop screaming: it may distract her but if not it at least gives you a different focus. Say to yourself that you're just going to do this until the end of June, whether or not it seems to work or help, and then give it time.

One of the weirdest pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever read on this site 😂

OP I just wanted to say if you’re still reading that I have a toddler of similar age who having previously been very very good has completely turned into a nightmare “Threenager” after a bit of an illness and some developmental leaps.

My toddler’s behaviours aren’t necessarily the same as yours but she sort of went feral overnight and wasn’t pleasant to parent and everyone was miserable with the constant shouting from all parties. I did some desperate googling and I’m convinced for my toddler it’s about being in charge, having control and testing boundaries. Not abnormal for this age at all but bloody challenging.

So we’ve been really firm with the absolute boundaries- the things that really matter like sharing, not breaking things, health and hygiene routines - which everyone has sort of covered already but what I think has also helped us is being far more open to letting her have control where it really doesn’t matter as much so she doesn’t feel the need to exert it in ways that are not helpful.

Want to choose what jumper to wear, do it. Want to use one cup over another, have it. In fact we’ve orchestrated opportunities for her to be in control when appropriate - do you want to eat tea at the table or have a picnic on the floor today as a treat? What colour flowers do you think we should buy at the garden centre to plant in the garden? We’ve made a real effort to let her have a say where it’s safe and appropriate for a child of her age to do so. Saying yes when we can and making situations specifically so we can say yes has really helped her to understand that when we say no or stop or you must do this that it’s probably for a good reason and we really do mean it. It also helps me to not feel so much of an angry old nag constantly being negative!

We also give her tiny little responsibilities. We’re about to dish up now can you help grab the plate you want and put it on the table please? We’re heading out soon so if there’s a toy you want for the car make sure it’s in your bag? Again makes her feel a bit more like a valuable member of the team I think with a bit more control over things.

We’ve also been more conscious of giving her uninterrupted time with us doing something she’s chosen and letting her take the lead in some conversations. Harder with two children I know but there’s got to be some time each day where you can give her a few minutes to have her way and hold court so to speak.

Things are far from perfect but it’s so much more balanced. I don’t think she’s in a constant battle to be seen or heard anymore and she isn’t so combative for the sake of it all the time like she was. I was at the “I think I might hate my toddler” stage not long ago and thankfully that has passed.

DD was the same at this age, she once went to our local playground, climbed up to the top of a slide and shouted down at the kids on the trampoline (her favourite thing ever) to get off it immediately as it was hers, even if she wasn't using it. They all did it too!

Things that helped:
Knowing the flash point places and preparing her - our local playground was a big one for us so we would have a big chat beforehand with me telling her my expectations and reminding her we would be leaving straight away if she behaved badly.
Popping her in the car and whisking her home if she hit me or was being awful to a friend etc, no matter where we were - she would always behave better for a time after that.
Loads of praise for good behaviour anywhere.

It's hard but it gets better!

I felt a bit like this with my youngest when he was a similar age, I asked the health visitor to come out and it was quite helpful.

Totally agree with your post.

As I said I have no idea if it would work!

I agree with strapping her in a pushchair if you are out at an event. It might be embarrassing for you but she is three and obviously very strong willed - some children are and very often it is a second child. You need to tell her, firmly, that she is not allowed to do x, y, z and, until she can behave herself again, she will be staying there. Then you ignore any tantrums and concentrate on your older daughter. When she has calmed down, you can ask her if she is ready to play nicely and, if she says yes, she can get out of it. If she misbehaves again, you repeat the process. A similar thing at home, except it can be a “naughty” chair or stair. Consistency is key and she will be far happier for it.

Please speak to your health visitor or GP and tell them how you are feeling. I think this goes deeper than just a parenting class.

No wonder you're worn down if you're getting in the middle of them a d screaming at them all day. You are doing what they do and they are doing what you do, they're learning what they see.

I never had these problems with my three so I can't offer practical advice on how to do it but you're aiming for keeping calm and getting to the stage that a look will say more than words.

What worked for us wasn't strict discipline but rather consistent firm boundaries (warmly delivered), giving automony when you can so they have some sense of feeling in control (since so much is out of their control as a toddler) and increased connection. It's so difficult when juggling work and other children etc but try to carve out quality one-on-one time with her, especially first thing in the morning (e.g. read a book of her choice to her as soon as she wakes up), as soon as she finishes nursery (if she's at nursery) and before bed (google the 7 7 7 rule). This might sound difficult to fit in but if it saves you tantrums etc then it'll easily win you the time back.

It wouldn’t.

Ok thanks.

Solidarity OP, my DS is 3.5 and a real handful - not for the faint hearted at all and I have two older kids who are lovely - so it's not me, its him 😂

I suspect he is ND and he is challenging, everytime i think i've cracked it, he seems to change the rules of engagement. For my DS, he wants to rule the roost (and he does at Dad's house)

Set out the rules and follow through, every single time. If she is combative you will need to completely remove her from the situation, out the room at home out of the main space at playgroup. Skip playgroup until her behaviour is more manageable. Stay calm and tell her she can re-enter when she can share / be kind. Step in and intervene if other kids give in to her.

My DS has improved after a particularly bad week in which he had to miss swimming - we were already there but he wouldn't leave the play area, and then the following day missed out on the ice cream we were supposed to be getting because again he would only leave on his own timescales (I do 5 mins, 2 mins, last turn). He now knows I mean it - but its exhausting the amount of energy needed to manage transitions.

Janet Lansbury’s book No Bad Kids has some good methods for dealing with this kind of thing. Siblings without Rivalry is good too for that specific aspect.

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much OP. It sounds very hard. I have read all of your posts but not the whole thread.

This may not be at all helpful but when mine turned 3, he just changed over night! He led me in to a false sense of security as he was so calm up until then. I also didn’t have any other children to deal with but my first reaction to the first ever massive tantrum he had was to show him that it wasn’t going to get him anywhere with me. He isn’t going to get what he wants and he isn’t going to get my attention. I remember him screaming and screaming at me over something once and I just said something like “I’m not going to talk to you until you’re speaking nicely” and then stood there in the same room as him basically pretending he didn’t exist while he screamed bloody murder at me. It lasted what felt like ages and inside I wanted to scream back at him but I didn’t. He ran out of steam eventually, calmed down and started speaking nicely so I engaged with him again, thanked him for speaking nicely to him, reiterated that I wouldn’t respond to bad behaviour and he said sorry and we made up. I dropped it immediately. He hasn’t had one tantrum since then and he’s now 9 😂 (yes we’ve had moments of frustration but not full blown tantrums)
It got SO much easier when he turned 4 and he is a total delight now.
Hang in there, parenting is bloody hard!

I think OP might benefit from watching a few episodes of SuperNanny on YouTube.

It is! Stop being wet and start listening to people who have given you advice in good faith. This is entirely within your power to fix.

OP, you sound like you are really struggling. I agree with other posters - take a beat and come back to this thread when you are a bit calmer. The advice has been good.

The key thing I think is that you don't want her to scream or be unhappy. But the reality is that you can't control that so you reall yhave to accept that teaching her these lessons is going to lead to short term screaming and unhappiness. But the long term advantage is that she will behave better.

Another thing to remember is that if you remove her, it's unlikely to fix th eproblem on the first go. It will be a process.

My final tip is that as you see tiny small improvement sin her behaviour, the flip side of the process of enforcing boundaries is praising and rewarding positive behaviour. So if she does stop, if she does give the toy back, if she does calm down - praise her for that. Tell her how proud of her you are. Thank her for being a good girl etc etc.

she is very young but I would also keep in mind that these are fairly classic signs of someone with ADHD. At this age, it's very difficult to tell if it's just age and stage, or an actual ND condition, but I would keep that at the back of your mind.