To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

It will change things. Pps are right about perseverance. Little and often and repeating yourself until you feel like an idiot…it will go in eventually.

sinple language as well; I can’t tell you how important that is. None of the “well you did that so we did this and it made me feel that…..”

just “stop” “x’s turn” etc

Come on OP, you can do this!
Think of your eldest. Once home i
Would be letting her know because we had to leave place x she wouldn’t be doing y but your dd1 will be doing/getting y because she listened.

Where is her dad in all of this? I’ve not seen you mention him once. Will she be attending nursery more the year before she goes into reception?

She’s not a little shit, she’s a small child who needs support to regulate and manage her behaviour, which is to be wholly expected at her age. Things will change if you respond consistently to her. It’ll take a while because she’s learned that kicking off gets her what she wants, so there’s some unlearning to do. I get that you’re tired and feeling powerless but having some really clear strategies that you implement consistently will help in the long run.

The problem is and this is why I’m so worn down as nothing changes. I actually don’t tolerate behaviour but sometimes I’m powerless to stop it (I’d love to know how to stop her screaming without very extreme measures for instance!)

Anyway, no matter. I’m pretty resigned by now but thought I’d ask on here to see if there was anything I’d missed. It’s really awful but I honestly fantasise sometimes about something happening to her, nothing horrible or painful but something like some random thing and then just not have to listen to her or deal with her anymore.

Wallowing and fury arent very useful.

There's good advice on here.

You arent useless you likely just find it hard like 99% of mothers.

Take a beat and come back digest it and change things.
If you keep doing what youve always done you'll get what youve always got.

This is really worrying.

Is her dad around? Sounds like you need to share the load?

It sounds hard OP and like you're having a tough time. It will get better.

Mine are older now, but I found these two parenting resources really helpful when we were going through challenging moments. They gave me strategies I hadn't thought of and a better understanding of what was going on. They're very much not about permissive parenting - but how to establish and enforce boundaries whilst also respecting and understanding your child:

https://drsiggie.com/ (has a good instagram feed, which is how I found her)
https://www.goodinside.com/ (a bit 'American', but spot on in so many ways. I think we paid for a month or two to access the courses and found they helped us)

You can’t stop the screaming. Toddlers scream. You can remove them from a situation to coregulate their emotions. You can hold them close in a way that stops them from running off and yes that does involve controlled restraint. You need to control your emotions first and take control in a way that’s actually authentic. Even toddlers sniff out bullshit.

My daughter was regularly removed from parties, soft play etc. She was like Chucky! But my god did I have to get firm with her. She’s 14 now and thank god I did.

Toddlers are such a nightmare, I never wanted to be a dictator of a parent, but unfortunately that’s what I had to be for a period of time until they learnt some manners. It’s better to make a big fuss now and show them you mean business when they are three rather than having to show a 13yr old you won’t back down.
Then you can have a lovely time when they are a bit older and are nice and they know if you say something, you mean it.

Sharing is the hardest lesson to learn.

I think the best thing is for me to leave the thread to be honest. It isn’t helpful and I accept that is my fault. I am very stressed and struggling to do anything with them both.

I don't think that poster was unpleasant, pretty blunt, yes, but you're asking for advice? I get it, my son changed at 3 and started behaving similarly to your daughter. I understand not wanting to be embarrassed trying to contain a screaming, fighting child in front of other people, but I realised that short term embarrassment was better than a child who knew screaming and fighting would immediately get them what they wanted.

Like others have said, we've all been there, most people won't judge, and if they do, so what?

One of ours was hard work while friends kids just seemd to play nicely so I understand how hard it is. We were the ones constantly doing time outs, naughty steps, sticker charts etc. Things is it works.

You need to be firm and consistent or it will escalate and when she's older you can't make them sit on the naughty step.

So ask her to stop whatever shes doing if being naughty, if they scream lift them up and stick them somewhere safe, shut the door and tell them they can return when they are quiet. Give them a sticker or whatever to reward them.

It's hard work and draining but ours turned into a delight while friends kids ran wild in their teens. Boundaries, consequences and rewards. Be consistent
Good luck!

OP you sound under a lot of stress. It's relatable to me. Small children can be infruiating / exhausting. Her behaviour isn't your fault but you do have the opportunity to improve it. You need to find the strength to get a cool head and a new plan. It sounds like you could use more support, which could be in a few different forms as suggested in this thread.

I think you’re focusing on the minority of posts you perceive as critical and negative and not seeing the predominantly helpful and supportive ones.

You need help, and admitting it is the first step to getting it. Do you feel depressed/low/unable to see the wood for the trees?

If I may suggest, you need to change your thinking. You are correct. You are powerless to control what behaviour your kid is going to do. Toddlers are unpredictable tiny terrorists who take you to the brink of your sanity then bring you back with an unexpected hug. What you can control is how you react to the behaviour. It is fine for your toddler to tantrum her wee heart out. What is not ok is to let her think this behaviour is acceptable. Honestly we have all been there with a kid letting their inner demon out. There will always be some person judging that your kid isn't silent. Those are the people to ignore not your kids behaviour. To take the playgroup example, the poster who you took umbrage to further up is correct in that approach . Take the toys off her. Give her a time out. It is really hard to hold the boundary particularly when an older child didn't exhibit the same behaviour but if you don't, you are going to have a toddler who will rule the roost, and your family will be miserable. It also sounds like you are solo parenting which is in itself a hard gig without the terrible twos behaviour. Find yourself a support network - easier said than done - someone to vent too or be able to get some time out with because if you burn out, your wee family is stuffed. Good luck OP - you have got this! Big hugs from a stranger on the internet

I hope you don’t leave the thread OP, we all
want to help. You’re not alone.

You’re not shit/failing/useless/whatever narrative you’ve got running internally right now, what you are is on the back foot, learning on the fly and feeling out of your depth - that’s OK!
You’ve not mentioned any support so I’ll assume you don’t have any which must be even harder but you can do this.
I am not the parent I imagined myself to be but I am the parent DC needs, whether that was carrying a planking toddler out of Nando’s due to a massive meltdown, holding them all night through the scared of the dark phase or calmly holding a boundary around manners and politeness when I get grunted at and called ‘bruh’.
Sounds like she’s very different to DC1 so she’ll need a different version of mum

To reiterate what I mentioned earlier, try to spend more time and effort playing with her. It's easy to avoid her if you're cross/upset/not liking her. Play games with both of them so she can see it's more fun than how it is at the moment. Games like hide and seek or tea parties where pouring the teapot, sharing cups with each other and dollies show cooperation is more enjoyable than screaming "mine". If you're there playing with them it's often easier to intercept a problem before it escalates. Hope you're still reading.

It is fine to take the extreme action- strap her in and let her scream in the pushchair, or leave for home, or let her scream but at home and ignore it. It is fine to take the extreme action repeatedly day in and day out, till she realises that you are the adult, and you will not give in.
And then you lavish praise on her for sharing, or offering someone a biscuit, or any nice act. So she clearly sees that there are clear consequences for a certain kind of behaviour and praise for the opposite.
Also look up the Deeply Feeling Kid book/series.

I think if you encounter different problems with your second child than your first there is a tendency to wonder what you did wrong.

The thing about chidren is, they're little humans. And we really do all come out differently.

If we have kids who are quiet, obedient, good eaters etc. we can pat ourselves on the back for our excellent parenting. Then the next one is a little demon and we're left scratching our heads because we did everything the same.

We also need to remember this when giving advice to other parents!

Now THAT was unpleasant. Nothing original or useful in the least, just an opportunity to hurt.

OP ignore this horrible post, there's plenty of useful stuff posted already.

@terrorisedbytoddler
Please dont take what your child is doing personally, you cant control her behaviour
Ditto posters remarks on the thread or in RL
There will always be judgy people,they are usually not the brightest.

She cant control her emotions rn
Thats the crux of it
It sounds like this might be due to overwhelm but overflows at home nit nursery where she is withdrawn?
I would try quieter activities
One of mine hated busy places
Comments are triggering your emotions and negative self talk
Its ok to be upset but stop the self sabotage
Can you talk to someone in RL?
Do you have a friend you can visit and just tell them DD is in a snatchy phase and manage her without a big audience
We are the most judgemental to ourselves, 99% of the room will be " oh god Ive been there"

You sound worn down OP. I hope you can lick your wounds a bit and then come back and read the constructive advice on this thread.

I would also suggest the book "how to talk so little children will listen". She is a little bit on the young side for it but I used its techniques on mine from age 3 and they sometimes worked miraculously well.

It is always hard, in the hard moments, to do things the "right" way. Sometimes you won't. We all sometimes won't. But try to focus your memory on the wins, the times it was tough but you got it right, the times when she calmed down again.

Good luck.

My daughter has four children. Girl 6, boy 4, girl 3 and boy 10 months. The 3 year old is very different to the others. She shoves, kicks, yells, hits and screams the place down. The improvement over the last six months has been remarkable. Mummy removes her, every single time. To the bottom stairs, to calm down. The calming down and apology/contrition now takes hardy any time. You have to be consistent. If she were mine, I would have had far less patience, but it’s working. Good luck.