To feel helpless and in all honesty intimidated by my toddler?

[terrorisedbytoddler]

I know I’m going to get absolutely flamed for being pathetic but my toddlers behaviour has really ramped up recently and I am struggling so much.

She is 3 next month. Her older sister is 5 and a half. Their relationship is the thing that I’m most upset about. DD2 is awful to DD1. If DD1 has anything she just charges after her screaming ‘it’s mine’ and trying to take it from her. It feels completely undignified getting in the midst of them and effectively wrestling but neither listen (unless you scream your head off which I have resorted to) and then if I return whatever it is to DD1 she just charges after her again. I’ve been concerned at this in social settings too; she’s fine unless another child takes something (even if she wasn’t playing with it) she starts the ‘it’s mine, it’s mine’ and more often than not the other child gives it to her and I wish this wouldn’t happen but I can’t really control what other people do and I can understand it: they can’t enjoy or play with whatever it is with her squawking and screaming the place down.

She will get obsessed with something and won’t stop going on about it. Screams and repeats the same thing over and over eg I want milk, I want milk, even if you’ve got her milk.

She constantly slams onto me getting into my space and shoving and pushing dd1 out of the way. She is so demanding all the time; I feel like I spend my day having orders barked at me.

It affects me hugely which means it affects all of us.

I am really worn down with her at the moment and I know it sounds awful but I just wish I’d never had her. I do love her but I don’t like her at all and the like feels like it’s dominating over the love.

What do you actually do when she behaves badly? I know you feel under fire here but it all seems a bit like you are wringing your hands and not taking any direct action.

At three you should be able to put her in a buggy and either remove her or allow DD1 to continue playing.

Can you sign up for a parenting course? This all sounds really tough for you and DD1. Are you a single parent?

OP I really get the complete exhaustion and just letting things slide while wishing you were elsewhere. But the more success she has with her behaviour, the more you are prolonging it. Toddler screams are awful but you have to learn to ignore it and do what needs to be done. Toddler fighting you is awful but the same rule applies. If she sees that you can't handle this and she gets to do/get what she wants, she'll continue screaming and fighting and driving you mad in the long run and in fact it will only get worse as she gets stronger and more confident. I'd look to plan for something like a 2-week reset period where you enforce boundaries 100% of the time and she starts getting the message that this is how things will be from now on. Even if it means upsetting your 5yo, leaving early etc. She will suffer more in the long run if this isn't addressed. Get all the help you can possibly get. Do the bare minimum at home. Toddlers' brains are incredibly flexible and responsive. Maybe she'll need a month. But she will get the message and things will change for the better.

Honestly you need to enforce some sort of punishment for poor behaviour. When she starts screaming ‘mine!’ Or whatever, you say calmly- several times - ‘no it’s XXs and if you continue you will be on the naughty step / no story later / no tv or whatever it is that you choose.’ And then you enforce it! She needs to know there are rules and some things aren’t acceptable. Yes you will have a fight on your hands for a while but teach this now or you will be teaching an older child who is capable of throwing / hitting etc. If she gets off the naughty step you sit her back on and you set a timer. Clear instructions and calm repetitive enforcement.
Same applies to both children!
Sit them both down and tell them the new rules first - ‘we are going to learn to play nicely together without screaming snatching etc and this is how we are going to do it. Everyone understand and it begins now’ - obviously give your youngest more warnings before the naughty step or whatever it is- because of her younger age. I say naughty step because the punishment needs to be immediate at that age- it can’t really be ‘you lose TV tomorrow’ because she won’t grasp the consequence part if it’s too far in the future.

also have a bag of rewards - toys -magazines / books or charity shop items that you can give as rewards to encourage good behaviour between the two of them. You can dangle that eg mif everyone plays nicely together now in the garden for an hour, you can both have a treat after lunch - but you both needs to play nicely’

good luck. These ages are hard!!

I think what you mean is it was hard to read.

You are not "widely disliked" although, yes, you are judged by others.

You have minimised her behaviour now to "a toddler shouts mine sometimes".

She needs to learn that the world does not revolve around HER.

YOU need to set appropriate boundaries, and giving in every time - which is what you seem to be doing by proxy allowing other slightly older kids to hand off toys to your child isn't working and will not work.

Your older DD is the one who will suffer in the long run.

Also - how do you think other children will interact with her when she starts school in a year or so? Especially if she's still Miss Grabby Pants and kicks off and pushes and bites other children?

Have a look at the incredible years course. If you can't actually attend you can buy the book.

That’s interesting.

Have you talked to her childcare setting about how she is at home? If she is reserved at her childcare setting and completely the opposite at home I would be trying to untangle that carefully. I would really want to get into the detail of what is happening when she is with other kids at preschool. As an example, let’s say she is allowing other kids to take her toys, or be pushed out of her space, it would then make complete sense that she would DEMAND a toy and DEMAND her space at home where she feels safe.

if the child care setting could work with you are she was able to be herself there I reckon she’d chill out a lot at home.

Do you take her away every time she does that?

I don’t understand when you say you can’t control what other people do. When my son was only one year old at playgroup and didn’t even get understand what he was doing, if he snatched a toy off a child or demanded it and they gave it, I took it off him immediately and handed it back. Completely ignoring the “it’s fine, don’t worry” nonsense from other parents. It’s not fine, and I taught him that right from the start.

Why do you feel you need to allow her to just demand and take things because other children meekly let her? I think this says a lot about how scared of her you are. I think you got lucky with number 1 child who was easy to parent and now you’ve got yourself a little Madame and would benefit from a parenting class. For the sake of her, yourself, and your other daughter. It’s not fair that your second child rules the roost like this. For her own sake she’s going to grow up unlikeable and friendless if you don’t sort it now.

I often find adults use too many words, believing that toddlers listen and understand! Short, simple sentences and a lot more physical intervention. I've been to lots of toddler groups with grandchildren in the last few years and so many parents sit on their chairs and tell their children what to do. I know you have busy home jobs to do, but try to sit and play with them as much as possible and demonstrate nice playing. When she behaves badly physically intervene promptly, removing her from the room/place and preventing her from spoiling others play. So many times I've seen the naughty step or some other punishment threatened but not instigated so it's all meaningless words.

I suppose you’re right. I hate her and I guess everyone else does too.

Oh OP! I had the same and honestly, I think it’s developmental. In my experience neither a gentle parenting approach nor stricter parenting (not that this is my style really) helped. The only thing that worked a little was giving her time and space and then lots of affection. My daughter struggled with this between 2-3 and honestly it lifted almost immediately after she turned three- it was a real relief! It will pass, and it’s not necessarily anything you’re doing. Solidarity x

You may well be widely disliked if you are letting her intimidate other children to get what she wants. I would rather hear a child in a full on tantrum being told no or removed from the situation (we have all been there) than a parent doing nothing.
Toddlers can have terrible behaviours usually in the most inappropriate places, one of mine caused absolute chaos until we removed him from a wedding and he was a page boy. Just stay firm its not forever.

No... you dont hate her, and neither does anyone else.
Stop wallowing in misery - it changes nothing. Put your Mum pants on and take charge FFS.
Start today.

I’ll wallow all I want thanks. I’m not actually miserable so much as furious with myself for being useless. But carry on telling me because it’s what I need to hear.

Ok well you've been given lots of good advice.
Its up to you now.
You can either take heed, or totally ignore, justify your actions and reap the rewards....

So you hate your toddler, you don’t implement boundaries, her behaviour gets worse as a result of no boundaries, you then hate her more, you then wallow in pity and the cycle goes round and round until you end up with a young adult with major MH issues and a stressful family dynamic.

Honestly? You need to fix up. Wallowing in victim mode is not going to help you, your daughter, or your family. It’s self destructive.

I’ve taken heed. I’m not going to tolerate it any more, will physically restrain the little shit if she squawks again and we’ve just left a place because she shouted she wanted something. I mean, it won’t change anything but who cares.

@terrorisedbytoddler that's not what @Boxoffrogs21 said or meant, nor what any of the other PP here have been saying and you know it. You started this thread presumably to seek advice on how to deal with a toddler you are finding difficult. Lots of good ideas have been shared, mostly to help you to take control of the situation and consistently impose boundaries, even if you feel that will make you and your toddler unpopular with others. It does not mean that anyone hates her. Although most of us do hate to be a bystander when a parent is not parenting and letting a toddler be out of control as we know what the consequences are likely to be when that toddler becomes a teen and then adult.

Of course it will change- but only with CONSISTENT management.
Keep it up- it will be worth it in the long run

@BurnoutBee totally. I stand there and ignore her when she shouts at other kids and I encourage her to scream and take things from sibling. That’s right.

It will change things but it takes time and consistency. She's not going to change her behaviour because you did something once.

Honestly it will change eventually, it wont be pleasant initially but you will see a difference if you persevere

Honestly if she is injured its natural consequences and id be fine.
Sorry you got hurt I had to remove it because ots not yours / it need stop go back to Jessica....

really?

I think you have had some good suggestions, op except the above. I missed the bit about nursery and how she’s a bit withdrawn there, and completely agree that you should try and unpick that a bit/discuss with her key person what she’s like at home.

Also really interesting what a pp said about getting her hearing checked.

Good luck. It isn’t easy, but nobody hates her. She’s just a tiny, little child, trying to learn how to be a human. If she’s sitting doing something nicely right now, go give her a big hug and tell her how proud of her you are. 💐

@terrorisedbytoddler

You absolutely are encouraging it by not implementing boundaries. She’s a toddler ffs, she’s learning about what’s acceptable behaviour and what’s not. It is her parents job to teach her, which you are evidently not doing and then moaning about it when people give you the cold, hard truth.

Stop blaming a 3 year old and look within

It won't be a quick fix but it will change with consistency.
I really think an in person parenting course would be so beneficial for you, not just for the parenting advice but for the peer support from other parents in a similar position to you.