DD with friend’s family for 8 hours only ate crisps

[Z0rr0]

My DD was invited to an activity with friends today. She ate a toasted English muffin before she left at 8.15. By the time she came back at 4pm she’d only been offered some crisps to eat. I’m grateful the family took her out (I paid for her ticket which was less than a tenner) and hosted her at their home, but I just can’t fathom not offering her some lunch.

Honestly op - my dds aren’t particularly unusual I don’t think, but they’ve been getting their own breakfast and lunch since they were about 8. Maybe slightly older. I normally make dinner for us all. Sometimes I would make lunch or dinner, but it’s not ‘expected’. ‘Just turned’ 17 is still at least 5 years behind the norm.

It is a big deal though as you came to an online forum complaining about your 17 year old not being fed. You are being very unreasonable. I clicked the alternative as I thought your daughter was 6 or so. You failed to give her money to spend on food whilst she was out. That is on you, don’t blame the other parents. The friend probably had money to eat out and maybe didn’t because she probably didn’t have enough to pay for them both.

You live and learn but please don’t be precious and take some accountability!

Tbf to the parents, they may not have thought about it as she’s less than a year off being a grown woman.

Even with ND (you say she has some traits but it sounds like she manages day to day),she needs to be able to make sure she eats if she’s away from home. Or can wait til she gets home.

I think you might want to spend some time this summer working on life skills. She doesn’t have to know how to cook elaborate meals but she needs to be able to prepare her own food, know how to get food for herself in a different place, etc. Can she do things like her own laundry, navigate public transport? It’s important to work on independence in a safe setting before she goes out into the world.

It’s not about being ‘hard’. I think my dds (17 & 15) would be absolutely mortified if I offered to make their friends lunch. At that age, you make sure there’s stuff available, or they have money for pizza, then you make yourself scarce, for everyone sake.

No, she is not.

She doesn't even have a diagnosis.

I have autism - high-functioning autism, but autism nonetheless. IF OP's daughter were to be diagnosed, she would just be autistic. Not "a little autistic". Not "slightly autistic". Autistic. Because that is the diagnosis.

I think at 17 most people are sorting the selves out. Definitely not on the parents, especially if they went out. It's the teenager friend who was the host and if they weren't hungry then they wouldn't have thought to offer anything. I think teens are either ravenous or skip meals- few seem to eat on schedule.

I was the most socially awkward, shy teen but even I would have asked if I could make a sandwich or butter some crackers at a friend's house. Maybe you can use this experience and explain what she should do in these situations in the future.

I agree. My 10 year old knows how to offer his friends food and / or snacks. They also speak up for themselves. They all have hollow legs as my granny used to say !

At 17 she shouldn't need anyone to make lunch for her. Presumably she was with a friend of the same age? If she was hungry, she should have said something to her friend. When I was growing up, everyone fended for themselves for breakfast and lunch from an early age (long before 17, more like 6 or 7). The same is true in my house now. I would expect teens to help themselves to whatever is available in the fridge and cupboards. If any item happened to be off limits, that should be made clear, but otherwise it seems fine to assume that if a 17-year-old was hungry she would feed herself.

It is odd op. To have someone as a guest at your house all day, nowhere near shops or takeaways and not even offer a sandwich is just a bit crap.

Next time tell her to suggest to her friend that they order a takeaway.

Exactly this. And if she’s got to 17 without an assessment then I assume she can function day to day as OP seems to think it’s lack of independence.

This time next year she will be a grown adult and OP needs to work on getting her independent (although it’s a shame she hasn’t previously)

Only if OP pays!

Get her to take some food with her if it’s likely to be an issue

And I would see a 17yo having a friend over essentially like me having a friend over. I wouldn’t expect DH for example to offer us snacks or make us meals or entertain us in any way, we sort it out for ourselves. At 17, they are basically adults.

The friend should have been a good host and offered/asked but it’s also good for her learn you can say to your own friend ‘I’m hungry, shall we go to X and get something? Have you got any food in?’

I think you are getting some quite harsh responses here. If I had someone visiting my house, regardless of their age, I'd offer them food out of politeness. Ridiculous to suggest teenagers would be embarrassed or annoyed by this.

Just realise it was only 8 hours, she had breakfast then ate some crisps.

6yrs old YANBU. 17yrs old YABVU.

Maybe the parents assumed their child had fed her while they were out. I would expect my ds to sort his mates lunch if they were over, and they would definitely ask him for food if hungry. Does the friend usually avoid eating?

it is weird to not offer any food and I’d worry that this friend could have eating problems if it’s normal not to eat all day. Keep an eye on this one OP! I would never, not now and definitely not at 17 ask someone for food in their house. I’m Irish though and you have to offer us food/ drinks at least three times before we’d accept it even if it’s a close friends house.

Her friends parents went out. Their child and the OPs daughter are 17 they don't need someone to baby them and offer them food like they are on a playdate.

To suggest they order a takeaway is just rude and lazy. Who is going to pay for it?

She's 17 !

But it’s on the friend, definitely not the parents. Are they both ND op, and it sounds like they have never hung out before (as you have said both that your dd would feed a guest if she had one and also that she can’t feed herself so presumably she’s never actually had a guest) so maybe both of them are unaware of social norms and quite far behind developing socially?

Many people start teaching their teens to cook.

brownies/cubs have cooking badges (mostly assembly at that age) and scouts and guides have full on cordon bleu chef type stuff for kids who want to do it.

by 17 mine had been cooking a family meal once a week for a few years in order to embed the skills for university.

at that age they generally told me if they had friends coming round and I made myself scarce as the friends are not coming round to see me!

(they usually also asked me to buy loads of packet pizza or similar).

by that age we were deliberately trying to operate more like a shared house to get them used to independence and ready for uni.

also, in all honesty, a group of 17 year olds or even a pair of them don’t want to hang around with uncool old parents.

YES