to think it is acceptable to smack someone if they touch your body, even if they have dementia?

[haleey]

I visit my grandad in a care home regularly and sometimes male residents will touch women unexpectedly. I’ve had my waist touched, boobs grabbed and one man touched my privates while smiling at me. I know they are ill and confused, but honestly I think people act as though women are supposed to just tolerate it because “they can’t help it”.

Part of this for me is that I have been assaulted before, so my reflex when someone suddenly touches me unexpectedly is to hit out before I even properly think. It is an automatic panic response.

Recently one resident suddenly grabbed me and I instinctively smacked his hand away. One of the staff immediately told me off and said “he can’t help it”. I understand that dementia affects behaviour and judgement, but I found it upsetting that the focus instantly became about him rather than acknowledging that I had just been touched without consent and panicked.

I’m not talking about beating vulnerable elderly people or deliberately hurting confused residents. But I also don’t think women should be expected to quietly accept unwanted touching because the person is elderly or cognitively impaired.

Some people think slapping, hitting, smacking are all the same and the same in severity and can't see the difference.

You don’t appear to know - you seem to think swatting and smacking are the same things - and worse you seem to think it’s fine to do them to somebody with severe mental impairment. Hopefully the apparently bigger and stronger than you bloke you’ve mentioned won’t throw a punch at you in retaliation.

Some people think slapping, hitting, smacking are all the same and the same in severity and can't see the difference.

They are so certain of something they never even witnessed.

Agree. It’s been an interesting thread, to say the least.

Smacking is the word used when Scotland put legislation in to make it illegal to hit your children. It’s illegal to “smack” your child and it is wrong to “smack” someone who lacks capacity and probably has less awareness than a child. What exactly do you mean by smack? If the carer said something to you it must not have been appropriate

Do you know what the carer said each time?

And some have cared for loved ones with this awful disease and have a lot better understanding of it than you clearly have, or want to. The concept of someone laying a finger in retaliation on my mum who was in the throes of the most distressing illness I’ve ever witnessed is completely alien. Is that so hard for you to understand ?

And myself and several others have tried to explain to you that with dementia, pain and fear responses are very often affected, depending on the area of the brain being destroyed. What to you is a light slap, hit, smack, tap - whatever you want to call it - is quite capable of causing extreme pain and distress to someone with dementia. My own mum was the same - any handling of her had to be undertaken with care because even normal touch was painful. That is why it’s unacceptable. You don’t think you’re causing pain, but unfortunately you are not qualified to decide that. It doesn’t matter whether posters here have witnessed it or not, a physical response is inappropriate - not least for the reasons I’ve outlined here.

We’ve been at odds all the way through this thread, but that’s not to say I agree that you should accept this behaviour, just that there are better ways of handling it than doubling down on a response - especially when you have no idea how much harm that response is causing.

It’s irrelevant, because it’s within the setting of a care home that is clearly chaotic, probably understaffed and from your own account, doing a woeful job of protecting both residents and visitors.

One can only hope 😇

This. Dementia, in any form , means just that. No mental capacity. Most posting just have no idea of the reality. 🙄

Tell them you can't help it either as you were assaulted and it's your instinctive reaction to being assaulted

If the police are called that won’t wash. She has capacity.

Not sure about that. But what it definitely is, is yet another indication of the level of understanding OP has about the subject of her thread.

You said the carer told you off

Try reading. It helps.

Love to see someone try that in court

Nope. In law, someone without capacity to understand their actions cannot be held criminally responsible. Someone who has capacity however, can be found guilty of an unwarranted and unnecessary physical response to the unwanted attentions of someone vulnerable and who lacks capacity. It’s a matter of common sense. These are not pervs. They are not men who know what they’re doing and deserve a ‘smack’ in response. They are vulnerable care home residents who have no capacity to understand what they are doing, and OP is essentially in their safe space. We hear so much about female safe spaces - where is the same consideration for those of the disabled ?

Is this just a response on repeat when you can’t be arsed ? Along with ‘ victim blaming’ ? If you’re going to post, at least have the courtesy to acknowledge the responses with a bit of respect.

Sorry you were assaulted OP. Anyone with any decency will understand it was self defence after being assaulted yet again

There are plenty of very decent women who don’t think two wrongs make a right.

Not going to go to court given what preceded it

It could easily go to court if the man’s relatives called the police.

It'll go nowhere

There can be many, many years of living with dementia before being assessed as lacking capacity. A dx of dementia doesn’t go hand in hand with loss of capacity. Some people may never get assessed as lacking it even if they clearly do. The bar is pretty high for a formal/legal diagnosis (for good reason)

How do you know? Do you work for the CPS?