Would you judge self harm scars?

[AliceAbsolum]

Had a hard time as a young person, unfortunately used self harm to cope and now I have hundreds of visible old self harm scars down both arms. Impossible to hide without long sleeves.

Fast-forward 20 years and I live in a niace part of Surrey with DD and DH, Surrey mummy's you know. However....with the weather getting nicer I just cant wear long sleeves everywhere, nor do I want too.

We moved house recently and our road is having an afternoon tea thing today - I'm just going to have to turn up and deal with the looks aren't' I?

What would you think if you saw a 40 year old with old, but significant self harm scars?

Judge isn’t the right word. I would notice and know what they meant.

If you just met me or my daughter, you would think we were just privileged women with all the stereotypes that come with that. In many ways we are. We are also both autistic and struggle with serious anxiety. Really the only thing that sets us apart is the ability to access mental health support in a timely manner.

Most likely I would be thinking about the fact that the people in your life and the system failed you. When you needed a better solution, it wasn’t available.

I would think bravo you for coming out the other side clearly healthy and functional.
My DD2 is also covered in scars and I know the distress and awful mental health that went with them, and am so very proud she has come out the other side. I know she still battles it every day but with age has come better ways of dealing with her distress. I tell her they are battle scars that she should be proud of.
And so should you 💪

My sister is 46 and has serious scarring up both arms from self-harm. Whenever I see others I just think as I do of her - thank goodness they are here and alive. And that is where my speculation ends. My sister tried to kill herself seven times - twice were very nearly successful, touch and go in A&E. You are entitled to exist in the world however you wish and if others judge your scars, I imagine they are the same ignorant people who think they can write your life story for you. Who say "the reason(s) she did this must be X!" and they are the worst, most unfeeling and self-centred people. There are a million reasons why people cause harm to themselves and they do so in many ways. Battle scars are battle scars - none of my business how they came about.

Your whole post is judgemental - how can you not see that?! You would 'know what they meant' - no you don't, people self-harm for different reasons. You can't see inside people's minds to know how or when or why they self-harm. All you can possibly know is that at some point in time, that person was distressed.

And as for people failing in their life - my sister has scars... she was all we spent time and money on for twenty years - so how dare you even think that people who self-harm don't have family love or support. Same goes for health services - guess what, people can have all the access but don't engage with services,

Your whole post is judgmental and it's really pissed me off - clearly in your mind there is only one type of person who self-harms for one type of reason who has no family or mental/physical health support. How bloody wrong you are. And frankly offensive in your ignorance.

I don't think saying people should be proud of their scars, or consider them battle scars, is always helpful, either (although I understand it may be for your DD).

I'm certainly not proud of mine - they represent the immense pain that I suffered through as the result of CSA and other traumas. I'm not proud of something that I only did to myself because I was sexually abused as a child, even though I got through it.

Acceptance and neutrality, with a dash of sadness for young me, is where I've landed after two decades, and it's the healthiest place to be.

Being proud of the scars in any way is (for me at least) also dangerously close to seeing that destructive coping mechanism as positive, and that could potentially cause relapse if a trauma ever occurred to stress me to that point.

My sister calls hers battle scars... although has covered them all up (to an extent and on one arm) with tattoos. I think she's very conflicted on how to view them. Totally agree with that point about pride - it is a double-edged sword.

Acceptance and neutrality with sadness is one of the most profound things I have ever read on here. You write so succinctly yet brilliantly.

I really hope that if I met you in real life I wouldn't even think about the scars, I would just say hello to a fellow human.

Thank you - that's very kind. I'm glad that your sister is working through her feelings around the scars. It really is a difficult thing to wrestle with in the aftermath, sometimes for years. There can be a lot of anger and frustration for a very long time, as you come to understand that you've moved on and begun to heal, yet you've permanently inscribed this pain into your skin - there's always a visual reminder.

Tattoos are a good way to soften that, and something I'd consider if I had the money.

It sounds like you and your family have been amazing supports to her, which can make such a difference

Thank you for sharing that. It helps me to know how to help DD2 move on and know what to say. She is still very young and ita still very fresh so am sure she will learn herself how to deal with it.

I work with kids and occasionally see someone that has self harmed, it makes me want to cry for them. Obviously I don't! I treat them like everyone else and report it so they can hopefully get some support. I hope you have a lovely afternoon OP.

You seem like a great support for her, from what you've written. I kept it hidden from my mum due to complicated issues, so she's very lucky to have you and your understanding. I hope she goes from strength to strength and can look back one day with acceptance, from a place of happiness.

That's kind of you to say, thank you - we have tried so hard, we really and truly have, and it still goes on to be honest. It's complicated because she has had three different mental health diagnoses over the years and rejected them all. She is highly intelligent and that makes it harder, and also has an alcohol and drug addiction - mainly under control - but relapses from time to time.

I have done all I can to understand how she thinks and moves through the world. Haven't told many people this... but I have two (what I call) tiger stripes on my thigh where I even cut myself with a kitchen knife to try and really get to the bottom of why it felt like a release to her. I bet that sounds mad and weird, but when you see someone in pain, that you love, you want to do everything to get on their wavelength in order to try to help. That's how helpless you feel and how much you would do to try and crawl inside her brain and help her.

I'm about to pop into town to send her a birthday card. Even without all of this we are chalk and cheese people - you would never guess we were related and probably wouldn't be mates if we met randomly! - but I love her nonetheless and when my parents are gone, I will be all she has left and I have already have conversations with my folks about the fact that I will do everything I can to keep her safe once they are gone.

Tattoos are fab... but don't go to her tattooist - she wanted one of a 'hungry ghost' as in the Buddhist tradition... but it looks like Slimer from Ghostbusters...

Oh, that sounds complicated, and must be so tough to deal with.

Thank you for sharing that - and I can totally understand that desire. It's not mad or weird at all. I think it speaks volumes about how much you care, and how driven you are by that. It's lovely that she has you - there's nothing quite like family, when you love each other through thick and thin!

Haha, well, I suppose it could be worse than Slimer! (Maybe) 😂

I would hope they are doing better now

Im glad things are better for you now

Great job bringing up kids by avoiding any kind of difficult subject, I’m sure they will become empathetic adults 🙄 If they are tiny, brush it off and they’ll forget in minutes.. if they are older then talk to them about it. It’s not hard to parent well.

I'd feel sorry for you - but the realistic response is that I'm not a 'Surrey Mummy' where I imagine-on the surface at least-everything has to be nice.

Sorry, OP, in your shoes, I'd cover up.

Posh area of S England here. In my fifties with self-harm scars on my arms from teens/twenties. No-one has ever judged me, not to my face anyway. Only comment has been from a former manager who said in clear compliment that she was "in awe of how strong I am" having been through it all.

They are not exactly badges of honour @AliceAbsolum - but you are here, you're one of the ones who has made it through those storms, and you are mighty. We all have some sort of scar, whether it's visible or not. I wouldn't judge you. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about.

I hope you have lots of lovely times ahead in your new home and community. x

That comes across harsher than I meant it to be.
Thing is OP people move to certain places because they're really, really 'naice' and while I don't see anything wrong with that at all- who wants to live in a crime-ridden shit hole? - there is a tendency not to want to be openly confronted with certain issues in such places when at events etc.

Look it would be great if it wasn't like that but it is what it is.

I would feel sorry for you at clearly having gone through a hard time at some stage in your life, and definitely not judge.

If it was me I would probably buy a really light weight fine type of material blouse or top that has long sleeves and is quite loose fitting.

I actually have a top like this with balloon type sleeves and it looks fine in the summer.

Depends what you mean by judge. I would assume that they were someone who had mental health issues at some point. Which is not untrue. I wouldn’t blame them for that - not their fault.

I would assume they were less stable / safe than someone without them and I wouldn’t want them babysitting my kids necessarily. Wouldn’t care out and about though because it isn’t my business what another person has been through.

That's it though, it's not been to your face.
In all honestly, in the area you describe, I wouldn't expect it to be.

Conversely, in rougher areas, you might get people being more upfront but ultimately more sympathetic.

Though if you only want superficial interactions with certain people then them saying nothing may be enough.

No judgement on that.

I’m so sorry OP, but some people will judge.
Personally I’d probably wear long sleeves unless I was with family or trusted friends or else it was people I’d never see again.
You sound braver than me though, hope all goes well.

I absolutely wouldn't judge I've got lots of scars on my arms from childhood and teens, nobody knows other than my immediate family and close freinds and ex partners, but I do fear being judged so after all these years I still go out in long sleeves even in this heat.

In other words, you'd only want to be an acquaintance not a friend.

Good grief, I would simply say that the person must have had some injuries, and it’s rude to stare.

My cousin has a long surgical scar right up her arm due to a bone graft. She’s had adult strangers ask her about it!

You seriously wouldn't let someone look after your kids who had self harmed at somepoint in their life.