Would you judge self harm scars?

[AliceAbsolum]

Had a hard time as a young person, unfortunately used self harm to cope and now I have hundreds of visible old self harm scars down both arms. Impossible to hide without long sleeves.

Fast-forward 20 years and I live in a niace part of Surrey with DD and DH, Surrey mummy's you know. However....with the weather getting nicer I just cant wear long sleeves everywhere, nor do I want too.

We moved house recently and our road is having an afternoon tea thing today - I'm just going to have to turn up and deal with the looks aren't' I?

What would you think if you saw a 40 year old with old, but significant self harm scars?

This. Hold your head high. Hope you're in a better place now. 🌺

My SiL has very visible self harm scars. She is incredibly vocal about how she has overcome her mental health difficulties through what she always refers to as “healthy coping mechanisms”.

Now, I know that she doesn’t mean self harm, and is basically saying she’s found ways not to self harm but she never actually says that and therefore all the kids see is Aunty displaying self harm scars and telling them she has healthy ways of coping.

The big one I can explain it to. It’s harder to do for the small ones without the risk of them then blurting out “mum says you should never do that” whilst pointing at her arms (I’d hope they wouldn’t but small children are, as we all know, unpredictable.

if I’m honest, I would rather she just wore a long sleeved top.

edited to add: or wore a short sleeved top and stopped talking about it!

DH has some current areas which he would normally cover up, we were discussing it yesterday, he has decided to wear shorts rather then trousers in the heat. He is hoping that by not feeling ashamed by his old scars and current areas, he might feel more confident that it helps him to stop, or at least reduce his compulsion.

I know what you mean OP. I’ve got scars on my arm too and avoid short sleeves around people I know unless it’s my husband. Also got long sleeve swim suit for spa days with friends. I hate it. I don’t think people would judge me, but I think people would ask what they are / show concern and check I’m ok and that’s the kind of attention I really don’t want :( :( :( especially my parents / close friends but I just don’t want the fuss.

I certainly wouldn’t judge you

Not at all i always remember being in a&e during a mh crisis and the nurse had some self harm scars and I've honestly never felt so safe and understood with someone as I did in that moment. Im in a much better place now but I will always remember her

Do you know, my children are 24, 13 and 5 and none of them have asked about my scars, ever.

Not even my eldest. They’re just on me. I don’t even think they notice they have never known any difference.

When my ds was 20, he had a girlfriend who o saw looking at them. So I said to him, “it’s okay for her to ask about them?”

”About what?” Was his reply.

I said my scars and he was genuinely shocked, he said he didn’t notice them and it was my business anyway, and he’d tell her that. I said I didn’t mind her asking me, and he was just like, “omg, it doesn’t even matter.”

Yes, some people will judge but frankly they can fuck off.

This! I have very visible scars on my arms (more so in the summer as they don't tan). They are 30 years old now and I rarely think about them - I wear whatever makes me comfortable. I'm sure people have judged me but in all that time only 2 people have ever commented to my face (and one was a small child who was just curious).
There are things I regret about getting older, but having no fucks left to give is not one of them!

I wouldn't judge as I have some myself . Hope you're in a better place now op; and don't worry what others think of your scars. X

Zero judgement here. We've all lived a life and for a some of us, our bodies tell our story in a way that's visible to others.

What I would do is maybe have a pre-prepared basic explanation that is age appropriate for a child in case someone asks, in the way that curious kids can so that you don't feel put on the spot. Just something simple like "Its from an injury I was younger" or whatever you feel comfortable with.

Hope you enjoy the sunshine 🌞

I would wear the short sleeves OP. If I saw your scars I would think you must have been through a really rough patch in the past and well done for you having turned things around.

I wouldn’t judge. As PPs have said, I would hope the person is doing is well and I would think they are very brave for having been through very hard times. Sometimes I accidentally catch myself looking if it’s someone new, just because scars look different to other skin, but it is just curiosity of the eye and not judgement

I'd be a little curious about your past and what you had endured but would definitely not judge in any way

I would think they have had a difficult time in the past and unless they wanted to talk about it, it’s none of my business. I wouldn’t ‘judge’ you as such.

No, never.

Thank you everyone. I'll go with a renewed confidence now!

I think its just that by not boiling to death you end up sharing intimate details of your past with everyone by default. Like if I coped by using drugs in the past I wouldn't turn up to a BBQ or the school run with a sign around my neck saying "I used to use a lot of drugs".

I think you can do decades of inner work and therapy and moving on, and actually your past will never really leave you. I should try to embrace it more.

For things like this I think the MN demographic isnt always representative of wider society, @KitKatPitPats post is good, no one is going to come into this thread and say they'd judge you negatively but the reality is that people quite possibly will

Whether you can cope with that judgement is a matter for you but good luck with whatever you decide

I absolutely would not judge. My lovely daughter had a lot of self harm scars on her arms and upper legs. I understood her history and have always been very sensitive to others as well (I like to think).

DD started work as a primary school teacher last year and did keep them covered so as to avoid questions from children and, I have to say, judgment from the parents.

Sadly some people did judge DD. Or certainly gave her disparaging looks. She perfected the art of staring back quite pointedly. She also had tattoos over some of the scars. As a way of reclaiming the memories. And we had discussed laser treatment. Though she preferred the tattoos mostly and had also become more at ease with the scars which were nearly a decade old.

Sorry OP. That’s a bit of a rambling way of answering your question. In short, I absolutely would not judge. But sadly some people likely will. Think ahead to prepare yourself for your reaction to those who do.

I send you so many good wishes.

I think some parents with young children probably avoid people with self harm scars as it means a conversation about it. My kids saw a lady with scars when they were little and asked about it. It wasn’t a conversation I really wanted to have but I explained, some people when they’re young feel too sad and cut their arms to try to feel better. But it doesn’t make them feel better. It’s important to talk about your bad feelings. Everybody gets bad feelings sometimes but we mustn’t keep it to ourselves for too long, as it makes us feel worse. So to always come tell me if they feel sad. This turned out to be a real positive teaching experience. Since that day they’ve come and talked to me about anything that’s getting them down. They’ve told me about seeing some friends with self harm scars on their arms and legs, in p.e. At least now they have an awareness and better understanding of it. I think you should wear what ever you want. If you’re self conscious you could wear those arm tube banages. Personally I’d let the sun help fade the scars and be comfortable.

I wouldn’t judge but I would probably feel uncomfortable as I find visible self-harm scars triggering for my own self harm. That said I know that’s somewhat hypocritical as I was happy to show my scars up until I had a significant relapse several years ago and in my teens would even show fresh cuts. I feel differently now though, to me they’re private and I don’t want people wondering what caused me to do that and I do also feel uncomfortable about children/ young adults seeing them as I think they can open up inappropriate questions or even trigger somebody to relapse or start. I started self harming after I read about it in a teen magazine and would hate to think I triggered the thought in someone else who was vulnerable and struggling.

For me I would also rather be uncomfortable because I’m a bit hot than uncomfortable because of difficult stares or questions, with the former as soon as the sun goes in the discomfort is gone but with the latter the discomfort and anxiety can continue way beyond the gathering as it can change someone’s entire perception of me in a way I don’t have control of.

I feel grateful when I see a person who is not hiding their scars. I feel glad they don't feel the need to hide them and it gives me hope for my own DC who self harmed in secondary school and is now figuring out living with scarring.

Oh goodness, the complete opposite. It typically makes me feel sad that they had clearly been in pain at some stage in their lives and I usually want to hug Younger Them for the pain they were clearly in. (I don’t actually do it, clearly). I would also be hoping that they were in a better place.

My sibling was a self harmer and what she went through with depression for most of her mid twenties still makes me sad. She’s doing great now though and living a happy, fulfilled life.

But no, I would never judge.

My daughter has a lot of self harm scars.

I'd feel sad that you'd ever felt as bad as she had.

And I'd think you were brave for letting them be on show. We're definitely as still hiding them in public in our house. Although she now allows family to see them within the house which is a big step

Yeah, but sometimes we haven’t.

I wasn’t. I was a 14 year old copying some dickhead from a band by scratching quotes from fucking Russian poets who I’d never heard of into my arm over one summer.

I really don’t need anyone’s pity, and to be honest, the little smiles and nods - it annoys me more than the shitty comments.

My totally honest answer would not be to “judge”. I would be thinking goodness how can someone do that to themselves. I would wonder how bad things must have been for the person.

i can’t deny that I would find it an initial shock to see but I would totally hide my shock.

i certainly don’t think anyone should hide their scars for my social benefit. The initial shock/awkwardness is not so great that I can’t manage it. I would rather that than someone feel they have to go around hiding away.

someone very close to me has this, and people do side eye. They cover up with light materials unless they’re round strangers or people they feel super comfortable with. You are fully within your right to have them uncovered, you may just get some ‘well meaning’ comments which can get annoying.