Would you judge self harm scars?

[AliceAbsolum]

Had a hard time as a young person, unfortunately used self harm to cope and now I have hundreds of visible old self harm scars down both arms. Impossible to hide without long sleeves.

Fast-forward 20 years and I live in a niace part of Surrey with DD and DH, Surrey mummy's you know. However....with the weather getting nicer I just cant wear long sleeves everywhere, nor do I want too.

We moved house recently and our road is having an afternoon tea thing today - I'm just going to have to turn up and deal with the looks aren't' I?

What would you think if you saw a 40 year old with old, but significant self harm scars?

My best to you op ❤️

I’m not saying people should be forced to cover up or that others are responsible for someone else’s actions. My point was just that visible self harm scars can affect some vulnerable people, and it’s worth being aware of that impact.

Everyone balances their own comfort with consideration for others in different situations. I’m not trying to dictate what anyone wears, just explaining why some people may react strongly to it.

I'm glad it doesn't bother you!

It does bother me though. I don't want my children's friends' parents knowing and having their opinion of me shaped by that, as it might impact my children.

And while PP on this thread may think they're being nice with their comments, I don't want people's sympathy, pity, or thinking I'm 'brave', any more than I want them judging me negatively. (I think you might have also said you feel the same way?)

Really, as a PP said, exposing self harm scars means that you're exposing something about yourself to people that will affect their entire perception of you, and is now out of your control. If OP is okay with potentially a few nosy comments, and possibly becoming a subject of gossip amongst a few people, then she should go for it. I'm sure most people would be totally fine. But there is a possibility it could result in people's perceptions changing in a way she doesn't like.

And I am saying I DON’T CARE. I can’t help how others will react, that is thier issue, not mine.

There are lots of vulnerable people in the world. I’m not fucking Batman, I can’t save everyone from harm.

I don’t balance my comfort with consideration for others, why would I? Your mental health issues are none of my concern.

Lots of people have triggers for lots of things, that’s not going to stop me doing what I want to do.

So no, I won’t cover up on the off chance that someone is triggered by my scars.

Which is why I was only talking about myself, no one else.

I don’t care, but lots of people do. I don’t know them, so I can’t comment.

I would not judge
I am mid 40s and also covered in them. I have heard some awful comments from other people about them, along with people actually trying to talk about them to me (no thanks).

Of course, you can't do much about what people think, but people who say things in your earshot are rude as hell.

Fair enough! We all have different perspectives.

My first thought would be you must have experienced significant trauma when you were younger. My second thought would be you must have a great deal of courage and strength of character to overcome it. But judge you, no, definitely not.

I have self harm scars on my neck. I am not going to wear a scarf in this weather.
Sorry, if you are triggered by SH scars, then that is your responsibility to deal with not anyone else's.

I’m really pleased you got so many positive replies and I don’t want to counteract those, but the more realistic posts are also important. Not everyone will be as understanding and empathetic as the posters on here seem to be.

I like to think of myself as a decent person, but when my DSis suggested getting a semi-colon tattoo on her wrist to commemorate that she survived a suicide attempt, I did question whether it would bring the kind of attention she wanted.

It is admirable to be open about MH issues of course, but I was worried that instead of showing she’s a warrior and a survivor that she portrays herself from the outset to everyone she meets as someone fragile and troubled, which may elicit the wrong kind of response from some people.

I do feel guilty that I couldn’t automatically be as supportive as the majority of posters on here have been but I just wanted to share my automatic reaction, which is that if I were spending time with people I didn’t know that well, I’d definitely want to keep any sensitive and intimate info about my health conditions (mental or physical) to myself until I could trust that they wouldn’t judge me or that it wouldn’t change the way they look at me or talk to me, even if that is without judgment. I don’t want my first interactions with anyone to come from a place of pity.

A loose cotton shirt even if sleeves are slightly rolled up, would be less confronting for the other guests and therefore make your first interactions with them a more equal opportunity to get to know one another on the same level rather than starting out from a place of sympathy or concern for you.

Going in with scars on show (or a tattoo essentially saying “I have suicidal tendencies”) feels like walking into a party shouting “I have depression” or “I struggle with my mental health”! It may be true and not warrant judgment, but it feels like being too open with strangers to me. I’m sorry if that sounds awful, I just want to be as honest as this anonymous forum allows rather than saying ‘the right thing’.

As someone with self harm scars, I'd say you need to find a way to brazen it out.

I hate mine. I hate that people at work will see and wonder or, if im realt honest, I secretly wonder whether they wonder if my "reasons" were "bad enough" to "justify" self harm.

But I can't think about it. I have to choose every part of self harm not being part of my life anymore and that includes worrying about it because, whilst I haven't done it for 15 years, it is always my go-to coping mechanism because the relief is now entrenched (might nit be for others) but because of that I have to just push through with clothes, presentations etc or it will carry on being part of my life and I can't let it or I'll slide back into it.

Sending a hand hold because noone ever really talks about the aftermath x

Assuming someone has gone through significant trauma and assuming somebody has great courage and strength or character is judging somebody. I have struggled with self harm since my teens but not due to any specific/ significant traumatic event. I also don’t think I have any more courage or ‘strength’ than the average person and I would find it just as uncomfortable for somebody to look at my self harm scars and judge I must have overcome a huge trauma and am very strong as I would for somebody to assume I am attention seeking and unstable. I don’t want to be seen as any different to any other person, my mental health struggles are visible but that doesn’t mean they are greater than people who went through a hard time and turned to a coping mechanism that hasn’t left visible reminders.

The fact that people are making assumptions about me having been through trauma (and therefore probably wondering what that could have been and drawing all sorts of conclusions about what kind of ‘victim’ I was) and thinking I must have some kind of admirable strength to come out of it makes me want to hide my scars just as much as the fact some people will see them as a reason to avoid me.

Was going to say the same thing. I wouldn't judge. But some people are just nosey.

Somebody’s actual body wearing weather appropriate clothing is not the same as announcing anything of the sort really, it’s just existing in the world wearing clothes. And your negative reply isn’t more realistic at all, it’s a different perspective but it certainly doesn’t mean the rest of us as lying, we are just less judgmental than you. You can’t help seeing things the way you do and I’m sure others are the same, and im not suggesting you shouldn’t share your point of view, Op asked for it after all, but there’s no need to imply that the rest of us are somehow being disingenuous.

This thread is incredibly shaming to those of us that still struggle with compulsions. People like me have to hide how we really feel, how self harm still affects us, even on an open forum.

‘Get over it’ seems to be how most pp feel towards those that still struggle. How lovely.

I still self harm, and that is on me. It is not up to anyone else to hide their scars (or even not leave he house) in case they trigger someone else.
If you are triggered into self harming by seeing someone else's scars, then that is something you have to deal with yourself.

It is easier to wear slippers than cover the whole world in carpet.

Personally I cover mine up where possible.
I do find people don't say anything to my face but definitely judge & talk about behind my back.
Some people ask outright what happened & I feel pressured to explain. Some people will keep pushing making it awkward. They also make a lot of assumptions eg attention seeking, manipulative & personality disordered.

You shouldn't feel like that and if you feel resilient enough to do it anyway but you need a thick skin.

As Ive got older (late 40's now) & not around
children & pressures of the school mum crowd, I care a lot less what people think.

No, you’ve just been told that people won’t change their behaviour so they don’t accidentally trigger you to self harm.

That’s not shaming you.

But people will not cover up to spare your feelings.

I would feel sorry for them as it indicates they had a very tough time in the past. I wouldn't judge.

The thing is, people will talk behind your back about anything.

Everyone has gossiped at some point in their life about the way someone looks, acts, speaks - the list goes on. Anyone who says they have never gossiped is a liar, or should contact the Vatican to get the sainthood going.

Yeah, something visible is going to make it easier to gossip.

I am only on the earth for a short time, I will not hide anything about myself so people don’t talk about me - Becuase they will anyway.

I respect your position obviously - you are not me, but really, if it wasn’t your scars, it would be something else at some point.

I'd imagine that they'd had some difficult times for whatever reasons when they were younger. I'd then imagine and hope that those times were in the past, and also be pleased they felt able to wear short sleeves.

DP's just walked out the front door to go to the shops. He's wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

He has many, many scars. Every day he doesn't cover himself out of shame or fear of what other people might think of him is another day further away from the place he was in. Some people who have noticed have assumed that he was in an accident, some realise.

There may be a small handful of utter cunts that see them, recognise them and think badly of him for either having them in the first place or, worse, for daring to have arms. But they are utterly inconsequential. Because they are utter cunts.

i wouldn’t want my kids to see your scars or have to explain the concept of self harm to them while they don’t know about it. You’d put me in a difficult position so I’d avoid you.

Op, more than what would the other people think, I think the big question is how would you feel? You make a fair point when you made the drugs sign analogy, so my advice would be that if you feel strong and confident to let the world know that happened in your past but you are, as they can see, in a more content and self confident time of your life, go and enjoy the party wearing whatever you want.

However, if you are likely to end up wondering if the scars are the reason why the arse of the neighbourhood was not friendly towards you or that the mum discussing her disappointment with her children lowered her voice when you got close… then just cover them until you are strong and ready to deal with any reactions you may get.

It is not so much about what they may think but what you will think.

And that’s okay. You can chose not to be around someone for any reason you like.

I know that many people have done that to me for the same reasons.

But, they are missing out on me and that’s a shame as I’m fucking hilarious and throw fantastic parties.