Would you judge self harm scars?

[AliceAbsolum]

Had a hard time as a young person, unfortunately used self harm to cope and now I have hundreds of visible old self harm scars down both arms. Impossible to hide without long sleeves.

Fast-forward 20 years and I live in a niace part of Surrey with DD and DH, Surrey mummy's you know. However....with the weather getting nicer I just cant wear long sleeves everywhere, nor do I want too.

We moved house recently and our road is having an afternoon tea thing today - I'm just going to have to turn up and deal with the looks aren't' I?

What would you think if you saw a 40 year old with old, but significant self harm scars?

What about thinking about it as an opportunity to explain to your children if they ask questions that some people have unhappy times at different points in their life but can come out the other side?

And that people have different coping mechanisms which we should be respectful of and not be judgemental about things we don't understand.

I did go through several significant traumatic events, but I still second this entirely. Being seen as 'different' in a sympathetic way, and having people making 'positive' judgements and assumptions, is just as unwanted as people judging in a negative way.

I wouldn't. But maybe some snobs from some fancy commuter town might do?

I've got some. Loads of people I know do. The only reason someone could be alarmed would be if they were very fresh and recent and literally bleeding.

That seems unecessary. When my son was in reception, the TA had very visible self-harm scars on her arms. My son used to say she ‘had stripes on her arms’ and no further explanation was needed. If he’d asked for more, I’d have said she’d scratched herself or something.

"Mummy, why does that lady have those marks on her arms?"

"I don't know, something must have happened when she was younger but it's none of our business, and we should never ask people about scars or marks on their bodies because that's not polite"

Then change the subject

It doesn't need to be the big, complicated conversation that some people on this thread are so scared of having.

I'm sorry, BeigeCardigan. Your feelings are valid. I do agree with pp that people shouldn't feel compelled to cover up for the sake of others, but at the same time it's upsetting and unfair that can make things more difficult for you.

I’d feel less alone about mine and feel a ‘kinship’

No. I’d feel sympathy

I think it's interesting that some posters have said they would never dream of judging someone based old self-harm scars, and would actually admire them for having "come through it" but they would judge someone for appearing in public with visible recent self-harm injuries.

The implication seems to be that it's ok to have had mental health struggles and good for you, you're so brave, you're a warrior etc. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of...as long as it's firmly in the past and you've sorted your life out. BUT if you're in the midst of a dark time right now, that is still shameful actually and we'd rather not know about it. Better to keep that part of yourself a secret and hide away until you're a 'normal' functioning member of society again. Then you can come back and we'll all think you're "brave".

OP, do whatever helps you feel comfortable. It's your choice. My personal view would be that life is too short to feel hot and uncomfortable in long sleeves because some people are afraid of what they don't understand. But you don't have to be "brave" if you don't feel like it, you don't owe anyone anything. Wear what you feel good in.

I'd see you out and about enjoying life and be pleased for you. And perhaps seeing you living your best life (sorry for the awful expression) will give a bit of hope to others who are still suffering.

I’d note them, but not judge them. The same way I would notice burn scars, surgery scars, tattoos or piercings.

So you might get “a look” from me in that my eyes might catch and linger more than if there was plain skin, but only because my brain is noticing then I’d move on pretty quickly with absolutely no judgement. (And I’m a pretty judgy person 😂)

I would think you were amazing for having overcome all that. The strongest people are those that have survived despite their own brain being against them ❤️

Thank you. I haven’t actually SH in over a decade.
I’m very aware of the effect showing scars can have as I remember as a teen and young adult finding it extremely difficult when confronted with the scars of others. It was seeing cuts and scars on other people that actually put the idea into my head to try it in the first place when I was only 14 years old.
Due to my experiences I’m unable to simply not think about the impact I could have by showing my scars.

If I saw your scars id know you have been through trauma and I would guess it was in your earlier years.
Im not saying I dont care because that sounds callous but im saying it would have no impact on how I would treat you.
I would treat you with respect, same as everyone else.

Me too. I self harmed at 14 for the sole reason that the guitarist from the manic street preachers did. I thought I was cool, carving words and quotes from books into my arms like he did. I used to go to gigs and get attention and drinks bought for me (at 14!) by people who treated me like I was the coolest thing ever.

So while I do understand where you are coming from, I still wouldn’t expect people to cover up.

I self harmed as a teenager, DS has self harmed, I've known many, many people who have in my personal life and through work.

Honestly? I don't judge, I don't even think about it or wonder why. I might look if it catches my eye, but my thought is literally just 'oh, self harm scars'.

Can it be triggering? Sometimes yes, but that's my issue to deal with, not anybody else's. I'm responsible for myself.

My scars aren't severe, but I often tend to cover them for my comfort. I was a fan of the Manic Street Preachers as a teenager, and never wanted the self harm to be connected with that. It was nothing to do with the music I liked, it was the other way round.

There’s a difference between people looking/noticing and judging. I’d notice, but I wouldn’t think bad of you at all.

I wouldn't "put you" in a difficult position though. I'm wearing weather appropriate clothing out in public.
What about people with injuries and disabilities etc, you going to avoid all those difficult conversations too?

No you don’t understand where I’m coming from. You did it for fun. I did it because I was in deep emotional turmoil. The two are not the same.

I won’t be interacting with you or anyone else on this thread again.

Have a pleasant day.

I would judge - I would judge that you’ve faced an awful lot of pain and come of the other side. I would judge that you were an amazing individual with more strength than most people could dream of.
You are clearly an amazing person to come through this and you should feel very proud.

That's terribly sad, and not dissimilar to why I started - in my case, it was because a friend had done it, also when I was 14, and I thought it might 'help' me. That social contagion is something I have thought about before when it comes to my scars. It's not why I don't show them, as I just generally feel too uncomfortable - but if I did feel comfortable, I might still cover up. It's not like other injuries or disabilities, being self-inflicted.

(But I don't negatively judge people who don't cover up.)

I have them too OP and im in my 50s. I don't cover them, but I have them on my wrists too so even with a jumper sometimes they poke out. I notice people clocking them sometimes. I just mention it to get the 'elephant out of the room'. I just say something like, 'Oh that was from my very sad days'. People are always terribly sympathetic, as I would be with someone in the same situation.

Funnily enough I was just looking at mine this morning as I got a bit tanned yesterday and they are now way more pronounced. Ive given up caring. I do think people are a lot more understanding about these things than they used to be.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid but I'm used to SH scars as plenty of people I know have them and my arm and leg are covered. I've tattooed over the worst ones but they're still visible. I don't hide them and happily wear short sleeves when it's hot. I just can't be arsed to cover them up anymore. Sometimes people look but I don't think everyone's actually ever said anything.

I now have cats so have lots of cat scars on my arms anyway so I just say my cats are feisty. Which they are. 😁 I would cover up fresh ones though but not sure why. Maybe it's almost as if I was inviting someone to mention them? I don't know.

I would assume you were abused in some way as a child if I’m honest, and I would feel sympathy for you for that. I wouldn’t mind about my kids seeing the scars but I would be annoyed if you told them that they were self harm. If my kids asked I would say you must have been in an accident as a child.

I have a large burn scar on one arm. I find that some children stare noticeably but adults ignore it. I have only been asked questions in a medical setting.